The Season's Change Was A Conduit

I feel like every summer I tend to look back and say that it was the best of my life, and I guess this is no different. There are a lot of reasons for why I can say this, and because I have seen few people this summer, I decided to expound upon them on the internet graveyard that once was my blog. I suppose it still is my blog, but moving on from Some Sort of a Chaotic Clarity has been one of the best decisions I have made this year. "Why come back," you ask? Because some things are too good to not share.

I was laying on the heavenly blue pool raft this afternoon, floating from one side of the pool to another. My neighborhood doesn't offer much by means of a beautiful view- some rusty fences, some above ground pools, a foreseeable amount of hillbillies' mud-covered trucks and recently raced stock cars. All of these components usually lead me to close my eyes on my blue raft and listen to the radio. Not surprisingly, I've spent a lot of afternoons in this spot. Equally as unsurprising is the fact that these afternoons on my raft are where I have done some of my best thinking. The summer is almost over, and when I think back to how this season began, I can't believe how happy I am to have changed so much. Here's what I realized today:

My summer has been dedicated to furious workouts and an outrageous amount of time by the pool. I did P90x Cardio X in my living room and always managed to get dog hair on me when I did those damn dreya rolls. I started eating better and made a recipe of cashew cheese that, surprisingly, was not disgusting. I've learned how to drive my new, beautiful 5-speed car- I only stall out once or twice every time I take the thing out, now- that's right, I'm getting there! I worked the best job I have ever had, 18 hours a day for six weeks. I've met new people, kissed boys, and got cigarette smoke blown into my face at the Richmond International Airport. I've gotten tan and guiltlessly eaten a lot of ice cream. I drank green tea every day and took my vitamins, and almost never forgot to wear my glasses when I drove. I started teaching myself how to play guitar, I stopped picking my nails (kind of), went to sunsets at the lighthouse with friends, and definitively realized that the only way to be radiant is to do things that make me happy.

When this summer started, I was coming off of a breakup that affected me more than it should have. I spent the first half outrageously busy and the second half outrageously bored. I ended it with a visit to Virginia and  topped it off with my beautiful cousin's wedding; the day after that, I said goodbye to my teens forever. I am happy, and I can say that with confidence. I feel excited to leave this summer behind me, to head back to school, and to start everything over. I'm done with a breakup that hurt me for too long, with the scars of a night last summer that went wrong fast, and with the haunting emails of a father who told me I was not worth the effort. I'm moving on from everything, and starting my 20's the way I should: happy, content, on my own, realizing my dreams, and surrounded by countless incredible people.

I'm not sure if I'm putting this website to rest for good quite yet, but if I do after this, It feels great ending it on such a high note.

My Summer Playlist:
Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver
Good Life - OneRepublic
Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band
Battery Kinzie - Fleet Foxes
Cinema (Skillrex Remix) - Benny Benassi & Gary Go
Skip the Charades - Cold War Kids
Faster - Matt Nathanson
Misery (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer
Every Teardrop is a Waterfall - Coldplay
Fearless - T. Swizzzzzle
Give a Little - Hanson
Will Work For Love - Usher

Those people have long since gone; my Father never failed

I'm back. I hope it's because I have to say something that is important.

Father's day is hard for me. It's hard for a lot of people I know, so if you are anticipating something original, look elsewhere. If you are searching for something honest, please continue to read.

When I was thirteen years old, my father moved far away.
He visited me when it was convenient.
He told me I was the most important thing in the world to him,
and I still like to believe that I am.
I believe my father still loves me.
When he told me I didn't deserve a place in his life anymore,
I was crushed.
When he said it was because I hurt him, because I made the mistakes, because I was being selfish,
I was devastated.

That happened when I was fifteen. This summer I will turn twenty years old.

No matter how often I hear that the reasons my father left me are his own, that I did nothing wrong, that I deserve better than the way he treated me, there are always a few ounces at the pit of my stomach insisting that a little bit of it really is my fault. I could have called him back. I did not have to be so unkind in that last e-mail I sent him. I know my father is not the same man he was when I was a child, but there really is not any way to really articulate how painful it is to think about what happened between him and I. I don't think about it very often, but I do on Father's Day.

I am a follower of Christ. My father was one of the people who led me to a personal relationship with our Savior. He was an elder at our church, he used to pray with me before bed, he would tell me about cool magazines like Relevant and would talk about Blue Like Jazz with me. When my father told me I had no place in his life anymore, it was easy for me to turn to Christ and know that I do have a place in my Heavenly Father's arms.
For all of eternity.
I found refuge there.
To think about my path to Christ is a little overwhelming; my dad really does play a huge role in the development of my character, my spirit, my beliefs.

What I am beginning to realize is that I am in repair. I have been desperate for someone to come along and fix me, but that is just not how it works.

I keep post-it notes scattered about my life, all of them read: Philippians 4:13- I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Today has been a tremendous opportunity for me to realize how relevant that verse is to my every thought and movement. In my life is a brother who would die for me without a second thought, a stepfather who cares for me more than I ever thought I deserved, countless uncles and other father figures who love me, and a Heavenly Father who died for me, who taught me how to love, who has never left my side.

So yes, Father's Day is rough. Overwhelming. Difficult.
But I am going to be just fine.

Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you.

So, I think I need to stop this for a while.

I begun this blog with the hope that it would be a means of connecting with people. Writing has always been a vessel with which I can convey who I am and how I feel in hopes that perhaps my struggles and triumphs could help someone through their own.

I have lost sight of that. I feel like this website is becoming something it shouldn't. It should not be a place for me to vent about my breakups or my daddy issues, and that is what it has turned in to. And that is going to stop.

Letting this blog become an extension of who I am was a mistake. It's turning into a shortcut for people to get to know me without actually knowing or even meeting me. It's a shortcut for people who do know me to know how I am doing without making the effort to talk to me. No one has ever had to wonder what I've been up to, because their answer is simply a click away. I've always wanted for some validation that my father reads this and is proud of me, but the truth is that he probably doesn't, because he doesn't care.

I've grown to despise any form of social networking. My summer job requires me to have a facebook, but once that is over, I will most likely be getting rid of that as well.

From now on, if you are wondering how I am doing, please ask me yourself, because I'm starting a keep-to-myself policy that is holding true until I can figure things out.

Thanks to Some Sort of a Chaotic Clarity for helping me figure things out up until now, but after nearly five years, I'm taking a break from this blog for a while.


See you when I see you.

A deep sea diver swimming with a raincoat

"I am who I am, and I'm pretty unapologetic about that" is something I've said.

Here's the thing:

This is what I look like right now.
Sometimes I wear makeup, usually I don't.
My hair can be curly, straight, frizzy, or wavy.
I have a widow's peak
and a boxy, short torso.
I care endlessly for the people I love,
and would do absolutely anything for them.
I'm self conscious,
but I know that most of it is inside my head,
so I keep quiet about it.
I pick my toenails and fingernails when I'm
stressed,
anxious,
or excited.
I am a perfectionist
and a neat-freak,
but I'm also lazy
and should try harder with school.
My complexion is far from perfect.
I wish I were thinner.
I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I absolutely, unabashedly love to read and do my nails.
I desperately crave affection,
but I've been without it for long enough
that I can do just fine without it.
I've been hurt in the past,
and it's screwed me up a lot.
I have bags under my eyes
no matter how much sleep I get.
If timed perfectly,
I can cry over just about anything.

I am far, far, far from perfect,
but I am learning to embrace my flaws.

This is who I am, and I am okay with it.

Just to watch me break

I really want for things to be okay,


and it feels
like they
never
will
be.

You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say

If one song could perfectly describe my life right now.

I can't help it baby, this is who I am

Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel

You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break

I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away.

In fact, I'll feel a whole lot better

Well, I'm home.

I just looked through one of my journals I've kept here all year, and I found this. I think it shows a lot about who I am today but also proves how much I've grown as a writer. I use words to grow and learn, and looking back, I'm so happy that I do. I probably wrote this sometime around freshman or sophomore year, and I know for a fact that it is not written to or about anybody I knew at the time. I went through a phase where I would write letters to people I hoped I would one day meet. To the love of my life, who is somewhere out there (I hope...), this is what the fifteen-year-old me had to say to you.

"Hi, I'm Taylor. Tell me your stories. I want to hear them all. I want to see you cry and laugh and smile and scream. I want to see you pissed off, and then instead of throwing a plate at a wall, I want for you to step back and laugh at yourself. I want you to make me happier than I thought I was capable of being, happier than I deserve, just so I know what it's like. I want my definition of "home" to be where you are. I want you to want me more than anything. I want you to be vulnerable, so I know I'm not the only one. I want you to walk me to a remote beach and when the moonshine ignites the cattails and the water stays calm, I want you to whisper something beautiful and clever to me.

I want for you to kiss me.

Not lame though, and not like in a made-for-tv movie. And I want it to be when I don't have metal cemented to my teeth.

You're under my skin; are you happy?
Kick and scream all you want, it's the truth."



In the wake of a recent break up and some other rough things that have happened in the past year, this was the best reminder that my life is not meant to be one lived in fear or desperation or anticipation. The fact of the matter is, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm far too independent to wait around or be depressed over things I have no control over.
I should be happy, and I am.
I should be with someone who wants to make me happier, and I will be.
Eventually.


This will be a good summer.

It's not too late to feel a little more alive.

The mere thought that I am currently studying for the final exams that will complete my first year of college is difficult to grasp; to even begin considering the changes that have happened in the last year is, for lack of a better word, simply overwhelming. Sure, high school graduation and the start of college are significant changes. But the lessons and memories that all of these changes brought to me are the ones that matter, the ones that made me the girl who is sitting in 306 Havighurst Hall right now.

I've learned how important my family is to me. In their absence, the realization has come to me that there is absolutely no replacement for the wonderful people I'm so blessed to call family. To say that I've desperately missed my parents, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins is a hideous understatement. I go no more than 12 hours without speaking with my mother, and I talk to my big brother at least two or three times a week. Being so far from everyone has made me appreciate the time I have with them even more. To the wonderful family that has opened their home up to me all year for any weekend when I need a glass of wine and a home-cooked meal, I can not even begin to express my gratitude for how you have made me a part of your family. Without any reservation, I consider you part of my family as well and am so glad that I will have you guys throughout my college experience and the rest of my life. I think the benefits of going away to school far outweigh the disadvantages; I am hundreds of times more thankful for the love and support of every single one of my family members.

I've learned that the friends that college has brought me are absolutely indispensable, and that the friends from my childhood will never leave me. I know that some of my girlfriends here at Miami will be my bridesmaids. From every single person with whom I have crossed paths I have learned something new. Some have taught me about compassion, about selflessness, about love. Never in a million years did I ever consider that I hit the friend lottery like this, but I really have. I do not thank any of my friends nearly enough for all they do for me. To my friends from home: thank you for making me the person I am. I've grown up with you all, and all of you will always be a part of who I am. To my friends from school: you have become my family here. I cry to you, laugh with you, and have created some of the best memories of my life thus far with you. I love all of you so terribly much.

I’ve learned how difficult it is to understand that someone I’m desperately crazy for no longer reciprocates the affection. And after the initial hurt, followed by anger, I just realized that things happen for a reason and I’ve something to learn from all of this. Perhaps I could have handled things differently, and if I could take back some things that I said on this website, I probably would. But my ultimate goal for this website is honesty, and it would be a lie for me to remove something that was, at the time, exactly how I felt. From this experience, I have grown so much, and I've allowed myself to realize that I am worth far more than a half-hearted attempt at a relationship. Without a doubt, this could have been one of the most valuable lessons I have from this year: never ignore an opportunity to learn about yourself.

I've learned that I was created to love and be compassionate. Perhaps it's just me, but I feel like my love for my friends and family is always bursting at the seams. I'm so overwhelmingly thankful for those in my life who have made an impact. To all of the friends and family to whom I referred above, thank you. I love you all. Words come up short when I try to explain how grateful I am for those whom I love, but the honest truth is that you all are amazing.

When I think about freshman year of college, I will think about the brita pitcher night, strobes and probes, and the highliter party. The Rubber Duck Regatta, the Chewy bars sent from Jesus, accidentally going to kickboxing class in my saggy boob sports bra, and saying words like "numb" and "puke" with Katherine until they no longer sound like words anymore. I will think about writing my name on the greenhouse with Ryan at 2:30 in the morning and going to the random Phi Delt party with Gracie. I will remember the time Steph sat on a push pin and I'll remember listening to classical piano music and playing tetris with Katherine until 5 in the morning the night before I had a paper due. I'll also never forget our creepy hand and back massages, because, let's be honest, how could I? In twenty years when I look back to this year, I'll think about coming in 4th place at the Southern Intercollegiate Rowing Association Championships, which led my boat to be ranked 8th nationally at the end of the Spring 2011 season. However fortunate or unfortunate, I will not soon forget the time I fell asleep next to Willy and could not bring myself to think of anything but the fact that I was, for the first time in years, simply happy; I felt safe. I'll remember taking a Christmas picture in front of central quad, the conversations I've had with Ashley and Steph and Kath on every walk and jog we've ever taken, and the wonderful dinners Brian would cook for me just when I needed them. Every little memory has woven itself into the beautiful tapestry that has become one-quarter of my college career, and I will never let myself forget any of it.

So here I sit, three exams, one paper, and four days away from officially saying goodbye to the best year of my life. I earnestly look forward to what this summer and next year have to offer for me, but bidding adieu to this year will not be an easy task. To those who have been a part of my life this year, I owe you all more than anyone will ever realize. Thank you for the lessons you all have taught and will continue to teach me. Next year when I look back upon this summer and my sophomore year, I am excited to find out who I'll be and what you all will have taught me. Until then, please never forget how valuable all of you are; I'm thrilled to see what the future has in store for all of us.

Tómame como soy

I may not be too terribly fond of pop music, or Shakira, for that matter, but this song is one of my favorites. I may have watched the video for the first time (and second, and seventeenth...) to see Rafael Nadal's hot body, but amid my obsession for all things Rafa, I realized how beautiful this song really is.
The end of this verse (I'll make it easy for all ya'll and bold it!) is one of my favorite sayings, EVER.



Mi destino es andar-
Mis recuerdos
Son una estela en el mar.
Lo que tengo, lo doy.
Digo lo que pienso,
Tómame como soy.
-------------------------------
My destiny is to wander-
My memories
are a trail in the sea.
What I have, I give.
I say what I think,
Take me as I am.

Sing me sweet, say you'll never let me go.

I hate thinking about the end of the world.

I hate it

I hate it




I hate it.

Sing the streets a serenade

The beginning of a list of  things I often forget to consider when counting my blessings.

1. My big brother's night shift.
Walking home from the library at 4 in the morning, crying at 2 in the morning, bored at midnight- all of these scenarios have brought about a phone call to my brother. I know that, especially because of the current outage and heightened security at the nuclear power plant for which he is a security guard, between the hours of 5 pm and 6 am, my big brother is always awake. While I desperately want another job to come his way so that he can be happier with his employment, I, selfishly and admittedly, love the dependability that comes with his current job. Right now I know that he's probably sitting in a guard tower, and I have no doubt that if I picked up the phone, he'd be willing to talk for hours.

2. Thunderstorms.
I've seen more thunderstorms this month than I have in any other month of my life. In fact, it's storming right now. I woke up this morning to a university text message alert about funnel clouds being spotted in the county my school is in. Presently, the window is open and the wind is blowing everything in my room around in a sufficiently vicious manner. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever see a thunderstorm again without thinking of this spring. So many things in my life have changed, and so much of it has been marked by intense thunder, lightning, wind, and rain. I think the beautiful thing about extreme weather is that, whether or not we are conscious of it, it reminds us that life is unpredictable and oftentimes the decisions we are forced to make are ones outside of our control. I've learned a lot about myself lately, and the thunderstorms I have to thank for that.

Chase off that clumsy artifice

Duende (Spanish) -
The mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person. Transitioned from its initial purpose of describing a mythical, spritelike entity that possesses humans and creates the feeling of awe of one's surroundings in nature. The phrase "Tener duende" can be loosely translated as "to have soul."
Federico García Lorca, who also wrote "La casa de berndarda alba," the first Spanish play I ever read, once said "The great artists of Southern Spain, Gypsy or flamenco, singers dancers, musicians, know that emotion is impossible without the arrival of the duende. They might deceive people into thinking they can communicate the sense of duende without possessing it, as authors, painters, and literary fashion-makers deceive us every day, without possessing duende: but we only have to attend a little, and not be full of indifference, to discover the fraud, and chase off that clumsy artifice."




You learn something new every day.

Liberated!

Call me cliché, but I feel liberated. My aunt and uncle (also my godparents) sent me the best care package I've ever received. Ever. It's contents? A card, some cash, some easter socks, some candy, and a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You." I finally confronted everything I've been feeling, and I've finally realized how much better I deserve than the way my ex boyfriend treated me. Had I read this book before we started dating, I probably would have ended things over a month ago. Without reservation, I believe every single woman should read this book. Honestly? Reading it sooner would have saved me a lot of heartache and depressing writing. To say the past few months have been a learning experience is such a hideous understatement. I realized how horrible my relationship was, how much better I deserve, and how glad I am that I didn't continue on with such an unhealthy relationship, especially since I have no clue how unhealthy it really was. Here are some of the quotes that have, to be honest, hit me upside the head with their brutal honesty:

"No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing."

"The word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes"

"He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great."

"He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you."

"It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."


To be honest, I guess I did make some mistakes. I only let myself listen to the voice in my head telling me that he cared about me, he was just busy. He had a lot on his plate. As much as I thought I didn't make excuses for him, clearly, CLEARLY I did. Live and learn, my friends. Live and learn.
At least I only wasted five days being miserable over him. Good thing I'm done with that... Now I can enjoy the last week and a half of my freshman year of college.

So there you have it. The saga of breakup blogs is over. I've come to my senses. Finally, I really, actually realized that I really was foolish for falling for you. You really were never that into me. Yeah, it sucks. But at least I didn't waste any more of my time with you.

Don't waste the pretty

“Move on, sister! Cut your losses and don’t waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don’t want to hear it? Fine. Here’s the answer you’re looking for: ‘Hang in there, baby. He’s not the loser everybody’s telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!’ But please don’t be surprised when he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship…Don’t waste the pretty!”

I just died laughing.
Everything and nothing I wanted to hear, but already knew.

And you don't have to live this way anymore

Nikon L120... You will be mine. May 30.
I can not wait.

No hope, no love, no glory.

Do you all want to know the truth?
I feel no better than I did on Tuesday night when I realized that a relationship that meant so much to me meant nothing to the one who chose to end it. I feel just as worthless, disposable, and inconsolable now as I did then.
The difference? I've learned how to deal with it.
But there's only so many pedicures and self-improvement projects and phone conversations I can have. At least I'm eating again, and at least I haven't cried for a few days.

I'm confused, and I want answers.
But I'm learning to live without you,
even though I don't wish to,
because it's clearly what you wanted.

It was always about what you wanted, though,
so I guess it makes sense that this is how it ends.

I do hope you are happy.
I also kind of sometimes hope a grand piano would fall from the sky and directly onto you.
You do kind of deserve it.

I'll call you Ohio, from a song I once heard sung

Plans for Summer 2011:
(decided at 3 in the morning last night during a torturous bout of insomnia)
Be happy
Control your attitude
Learn to play guitar on Kyle's Martin
Learn to drive your new stankin' car
Stop picking your nails
Erg, even if it sucks
Take care of your hair
Moisturize daily
Sleep
Study
Use fiscal planning binder
Look fabulous for Marlo's wedding
Drink water
Never dismiss an opportunity to learn about yourself
Eat well
Wear your retainers
Keep face clear
Dress fabulously
Clean
Listen to and find new music
Strengthen friendships
Smile
Start thinking about internships for summer 2012
Grow your hair out as long as can be
Be yourself
Read
Stop caring about other's perceptions of you
Be radiant
Get better every day
Be tan
Jog
Try new things
Find beauty in everything
Drink iced lattes
Never neglect the beauty of nature
Don't be afraid to fall in love, ever
Don't be quick to trust, either
Love every moment of every day
Dance
Walk on the beach
Enjoy being single
Take everything one day at a time
Soak up every moment of your youth
Shop at thrift stores
Wear new things
Keep nails painted and pretty
Write everything
Get prescription polarized sunglasses
Find happiness in every area of your life
Get a new journal
Start spoiling your nephew
Spend every waking second you can with your family
Live freely
Giver everyone and everything a chance
Wear sunscreen
Find something new that makes you happy
Never waste a sunny day
Savor rainy days
Buy a new purse
Keep calm; carry on
Do pilates
Shop
Spend money wisely

Musica del momento:
1. Cosmic Love- Florence and the Machine
2. Happy Ending- Mika
3. Ohio- Peter Bradley Adams
4. Dreams- Fleetwood Mac
5. Till the World Ends- Britney Spears

I just painted my toenails pink and my fingernails red. I spent a lot of this Easter alone in my dorm room, but I needed it. I'm starting to figure things out. I cleaned my room and packed up things not deemed necessities. I am ready for the summer.
Thank you, freshman year, for all of the memories.
I learned so much more about myself from you.
But I'm ready to let you go.

Two weeks from now and I will be home.

Then live the rest of our lives, but not together.

Walking home in the rain tonight,
I gripped my umbrella
as if I were a young girl
with ribboned pigtails
and a cherry popsicle
grasping
the feeble string attached to her helium-filled balloon.

and when a gust of wind swept underneath my shelter
I thought
I wouldn't quite mind
if it picked me up
and blew me
away
for just awhile.

May the weight of world resign.

I should be writing a speech right now, but instead, I'm pleasantly sitting in my filthy room listening to lovely music and thinking about contentment.

I couldn't avoid my first heartbreak forever, and regardless of whether or not it's over for good, it happened for a reason. I have plenty to learn about myself from these past few days, and while I refuse to dwell on the hurt, I will be honest when I am asked, "are you okay?"

No, no I am not.

However, I know that I will be just fine.
Time heals all wounds and
life does not stop for anyone.
While one person may have taken so much from me, all I must do to find affirmation is turn my attention towards the countless others who have reminded me that their love is also prevalent in my life. Mother, brother and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends. The nephew we are blessed to welcome to the world in just a few months.

It feels, right now, like nothing can fill this inconsolable void.
But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I am

far
too
loved

to ever justify the despondency
I've felt these past few weeks.

I am allowed to be sad, and I will let myself.
It's not supposed to be easy.
I am allowed to cry, and I will let myself.
It's supposed to hurt.
And
it
does.

Often over these past few days I've wondered if the things that remind me of you remind you of me.
I have thoughtlessly been reminded by friends with good intentions that no one had ever seen me so euphoric as I was when you were with me.

It surely makes sense that if you were so capable of making me happy,

of course you could also make me so terribly woebegone.

So here, I am silently inquiring.
If you miss me
or think about me.

I've grown to hate red hats and spearmint gum and checking the weather.
But I hope you know,
as angry as I am,
that I am glad you ended us.
I will be better because of this.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes.

I will probably regret posting this.
This stupid website has always been where I write so that I can grow as a person. Tonight was too beautiful and miserable to not write and share.
I don't have much to lose at this point, anyways.

The lightning outside of my window is more consistent than the darkness. It’s a story, and it’s narrated by tornado sirens and thunder and unconcealed sobs. My eyes are red and bloodshot and puffy. Ostentatiously the blank white flash of fear and terror sparks, screaming at me that it’s not that bad, that it could be worse, that

I am stupid for

falling

for

you.

I am miserable and, even if I so desired, there is no possible way I can hide it. I cannot ignore it. I hate how happy I let myself feel when we were with one another. It was so easy with you. Losing every worry and fear I ever had was an effortless task when your embrace encapsulated me and all of my insecurities. I have never felt safer. I could have never imagined that I could ever feel as if I belonged more in someone’s arms than I do in yours. The mere thought that I will never feel that again makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my mascara run more quickly down my face. It makes the thunder outside my window boom louder and it makes the lightning, blindingly, gleam brighter.

This is the kind of storm I would have loved to fall asleep with you to. I am reminded that we both love to fall asleep to the sound of rain and I cannot help but wonder if you are laying in your bed hearing the same rain I am. Can you sleep? Are you happy? Relieved? Because I am not. I am angry. You were never fully honest with me. You have changed and the individual that used to care about me is now only after his own interests.

And you didn’t even have the integrity or sagacity to tell me that it was over. Even when I asked, you could not offer a definite “yes.” You asked one of my friends to hint to me that you just wanted to be friends. What a stupendous demonstration of character! Get your life figured out. I don’t want to see your sorry excuse of a face until you can man up and realize that your laziness, selfishness, and lack of willingness to do anything that made me happy are the reasons this relationship is over. I am not a chore, and if you didn’t want to work for us, then you did not deserve any of the last six weeks. I deserve to be treated like gold, and never placed on the backburner. You will never find a relationship that does not require work. Please understand that.

And after all of this, I still desperately want you to be who you used to be; this, however, is too much to ask. It hurts me to know that the man you were a month ago would have done anything to make sure I never felt this way (funny that you’re now the one who caused it). It’s just not like that, though. If it were, I would not be lying alone at three in the morning watching lightning turn my room into daylight, and then night again. In this thunderstorm with such determined lightning and tenacious rainfall, all I want is to feel your lips kiss my forehead and hear you tell me that everything will be alright. I want to curl up next to you, our legs entangled, feeling your hand run from the top of my shoulder to the tips of my fingers, and feel marvelous and content and safe. I hope your bed begins to feel lonely without me in it.

Are you listening to the rain? Because I will fall asleep being lulled by this tornado warning, and I will be okay without you.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.

I would apologize for the consistent posting of YouTube videos with each new blog, but I'm just not sorry at all, especially when this is my new favorite song.

I've been listening to it on repeat while packing for SIRA (that's right, my first regatta EVER is this weekend, and I'm so scared I could pee my pants... but that's another story) and something about it kind of struck me the fifth or sixth time I heard it. It sounds simple, but in my head, it feels so terribly profound.

We are all at different places in our lives right now.

At this very moment, someone is heartbroken.
Someone is falling in love.
Someone is lonely.
Someone is hurt.
Someone is angry.
Someone is hopeful.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own emotions that I forget the beauty of the fact that we are all feeling different things at the same time and we are all hurting and helping and hoping. I feel like that is a big part of the human condition: Our striking differences, similarities, unity.

All I want is to find an easier way.

I don't know what my obsession with running away is all about,
but I would really enjoy hopping in a car and going home right now.
I'd get to my house by 6 am.
Perfect.
I miss my mom, and I miss my brother.
Honestly, I don't think I will get through this semester without at least one more mental breakdown. I'm stressed and I feel like no one gets it, or cares.

I keep telling myself that I've been awake since 5:30 this morning, that I've had two rowing practices, three classes, a shift of work, training for my summer job, and figuring out scheduling for next semester today. That I'm just exhausted and stressed and I just need sleep.

But that doesn't change that fact that I just want everything to all go away.
Or the fact that I have to wake up at 7:15 to schedule classes.
Or that my life is completely being overtaken by rowing until next week.

I just want to lay in bed all day, and hide.

We watch and wait, and do nothing but sigh.

In doing some research for a paper I am writing about Plato's allegory of the cave, I came across this:

"Socrates left no writings of his own; to him, living was more important than recording for posterity. But Plato and others have written enough about him that we can reconstruct most of his life.
Socrates did not give speeches or write books. Instead, he asked people questions, their answers leading him to a new query. This allowed him to reveal holes in people's beliefs, which made him unpopular. His questioning in pursuit of knowledge became known as the Socratic Method.
Because of his questioning, Socrates was ultimately indicted for "corrupting the youth of Athens" and for impiety, and sentenced to death. He calmly accepted his fate; life was not as important to him as living truthfully, which, he argued, included abiding by the law of the city he lived in. So he drank hemlock (a poison) and continued discussing with his students even as he was dying."
-ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE. Literary Cavalcade, Oct2001, Vol. 54, Issue 2

I think there is a lot I can learn from the way Socrates chose to live. We place a lot of value upon our lives, and I think we have the tendency to forget to value actually living, which, consequently, is far more important.

Living truthfully is important to me. I expect it of myself,
and I expect it of the people with whom I am close.

Tonight has been one of those kind of miserable nights where I just desperately want to run away from my life. And I tried. I ran for an hour, and while therapeutic, the only thing I could understand for sure was that I can not run away. I'm beginning to feel suffocated by my decisions, but I can not lie; I love where I am in my life right now. I realize more and more every day how imperfect my life is, and how many mistakes I make, and despite all of that, the thing I notice most every day is how blessed I am. I have a best friend who came to my rescue, I have legs to run, I have a heart to love, and I know everything is going to be alright.

This has been one of my favorite songs by Joshua Radin for a while.
I listened to it on repeat when I was running, and
I'd be lying if I said it didn't make things better.

This has got to be the good life.

Some days, not once do I think about you.
Others, I think about you a lot.
I know in that last email you told me you were not making any more efforts to be part of my life,
so, I may be naive, but I feel like this is the only way I could ever maybe have you hear me.
What would you say to me if you knew more about the woman I am becoming?
Would you be proud of me?
Do you care?
What are you doing right now?

Today, I thought a lot about these questions.

Even though it snowed today in Oxford, there are subtle promises of Springtime all around me, and everything about this makes me even happier than I already am. Yesterday we did eyes-closed rowing and I do not think I have ever been so relaxed, which is ironic, because I was pushing my body harder than I have in a very long time. While I was using every muscle in my legs to skyrocket my legs off the foot stretchers, all I could concentrate on were the click-click, click-click of the oars finding their places in the oar locks, and all I could feel was the boat gliding under me, pushing my seat forward as I pushed the oar into the pin. I thought about nothing, I had no cares, and I felt great. When our coxswain gave my boat the command to open our eyes, I was floored by the sunset that had painted itself across the sky while my eyes had been closed.
Suddenly, the sky was yellow and orange and red.
Suddenly, the clouds had scattered into thin wisps across the horizon.

Suddenly, everything was beautiful and okay.



To say that my life has changed in the past month is an immense understatement. This does a disservice to the wonderful changes that have happened. The child in me still wishes you were here to be happy for me. Here's the news. I met someone who has begun to prove to me that, even though I have been hurt, it doesn't always have to be that way. Love is not a secret I will always be kept from. I am saying this here because I have told him myself and because it's not at all a secret, but I'm really falling for him, Dad. I'm really happy, and I'm terrified, and I'm loving every single second of it. I wish things were different. I wish you were different. I wish I could tell you all about everything.

One of the last things that you told me was this:
"Life rarely turns out how we want, and the lessons learned are hard.
You feel that you can’t trust a man, and I hope you realize that there
are those in your life now that have not been worthy of your trust."

I know you never will
but I still hope you someday know
that is a blatant lie.

When You're Happy Like A Fool, Let it Take You Over

It's impossible to be sad when you're listening to this song.





In other news, I feel like everything going on in my life is just too good to be true.

And Here I'm Dancing On The Ground.

The contents of my spring break were as follows:

• Shopping for sundresses, with the hope that doing so would help me forget the 16 inches of snow that are on the ground.
• Getting lunch with my big brother and talking about the past and the future.
• Sleeping in my wonderful, warm, comfy bed.
• Sleeping a lot.
• Listening to live versions of "Crush" and "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band repeatedly.
• Watching my golden retriever play with a stuffed mallard duck for hours unend.
• Spending the night at one of my oldest and best friend's houses.
• Playing rummy.
• Home cooked food.
• Being sick for the first half.
• Being kind of sick but feeling better for the second half.
• Trying to do homework the whole time. Succeeding in writing most of one paper and kind of studying for one exam.
• Realizing that it is entirely possible to completely fall for someone after only having known them for a week.

I call spring break 2011 a success.

This is the way that we love, like it's forever.

For the first time in an extremely long time,
I'm excited
to see where my life will be going in the near future.


It's kind of crazy, and a little unprecedented for me
to sit back and just
let
things
happen.


Also, a person whom I am fortunate enough to call one of my best friends introduced me to this song. I love it.

Are you protected from trying times?

I am staring at the blinking cursor, it's
screaming
with its consistent epileptic attack,
screaming
at me. "Why can't you just
say something?"

I don't even have twenty years
to call my own,
and yet,
I miss my childhood
desperately.

Of course, I'm so excited
to see the rest of my life,
but I miss
being a child.

I've been listening to Matt Nathanson and Dashboard Confessional and Ryan Adams a lot lately.

They make me feel

happy.

There are infinite thoughts whirring, darting, attacking

my head,

and that's all I can

muster

up.

And yet, here I am: It's funny how life is seldom what we plan.

The persistent marriage of thunder and lightning is outside of my window;
an invitation.
To be part of everything around me.
Suddenly, I am reminded that we are all one;
the trees,
the thunder,
and me.
I can't tell you where any of it begins or ends, and tonight, I have little care.
All I can do right now is revel in the peaceful darkness,
and listen to the pitter-patter,
pitter
patter
And think about how fantastic this all is.
Not my existence. My life.

All I can do right now is feel alive.

There is just something so marvelously romantic about my life,
and I can not quite put my finger on why that is.
I do, however, know that
I am a being who was created to love and be loved.

And indeed, I do have the audacity to believe that my life is a great one.

And all the world that you knew wants to give the breeze to you.

I don't think any words can really begin to describe how much I desperately miss my mother and brother. No matter how many times I mention it, I can't wrap my head around the fact that this is how it's going to be for a while. I love the two of them so much. The mutual respect and indescribable love between the three of us is a true testament to the power of family. I can't believe how blessed I have been. Having the two of them in my life is more than I deserve, and I can't wait to come home for spring break so I can see them, along with the rest of my family :)

On a lighter note:
My blog hit TEN THOUSAND VIEWS yesterday! Almost 3,000 of which have occurred since I graduated high school, not even a year ago. I know that in comparison to other blogs out there, that's nothing. But, it's simply unreal to me that people actually care about what it is that I have to say. I apologize for the crap posts like this one, but thank you for reading the sporadic ones that actually do contain meaning and perhaps even insight. It means so much to me. I'm here to tell my story, and I am honored that other people care about it. I looked at my blog stats today and, since May 2010, I have had thousands of views from countries all over the world- I had no idea. SO! Not to be a loser, but shouts to readers from the following countries, and THANK YOU!

• Netherlands
• Germany
• Russia
• Thailand
• France
• Canada
• South Korea
• Brazil
• United Kingdom

That being said, thanks again to those of you who care to join along in my journey. Trying to learn who I am and what being on this planet really means for all of us. I'd love to hear all of your stories.

My mom told me on the phone today that I remind her of a nudist, minus the nudity. What in the world does that mean, you ask? "You bare it all, Taylor. You share everything."

The Sun's Well On The Way, Too Soon To Know

I am old.

Sometimes, I'm pretty positive that I am an old lady. Either that, or a loser.

I really hope someone can agree with me on the things about which I will discuss:

Let me paint you a picture. I am sitting in my dorm room, wearing Victoria's Secret yoga leggings, a pink sports bra, and a white zip up hoodie. I am listening to my iPod on Shuffle on my iHome, and I'm about to grab a book to read. I'm by myself, but I'm not lonely at all.

My hair and makeup look like I'm ready to go out, and that's because a half an hour ago I was. I had black tights, a black miniskirt, a cute shirt, a cardigan, and my Coach crossbody bag, and I was ready to go. Then, I decided not to. Is it weird that I, a nineteen year old college student, would rather sit in my dorm with a glass of wine, a book, and a pair of comfy pants? As fun as a party in the basement of a frat house, full of $2,000 worth of packing peanuts (yes, you heard me...) sounds, I just want to be here. I don't want to be hit on by a drunk guy, and I don't want the alternative of standing uncomfortably and letting myself lose every shred of self confidence I have because no one is hitting on me. Going to a school with lots of attractive girls sucks, but that's a whole different story. I don't want to wander drunkenly to a bar and have some guy who may or may not be attractive grind his junk all up on me. I don't want to wander around uptown, freezing, because it's 40 degrees and I'm wearing a miniskirt and a 3/4 length sweater. I don't want to risk walking drunk down slant walk. Sorry Oxford, but I don't go hard that often.

I just want to be comfortable, and maybe, just maybe, some me-time with an Anne Lamott book or an issue of Cosmo is my best option. I'm not saying that I need to be alone, because I wouldn't mind some company... but my roommate is home for the weekend, and my best friend is drunk already (she already told me that I've been "on her case all day," so I guess she needs some time away from me, anyways). Maybe being alone and having some time to sort through my life is just the break from the outside world that I need.

I guess I'm feeling sad, but I really don't know why. Today's the first day at school that I've been genuinely homesick, but spring break is soon, and I'm doing just fine anyways.

Oh, Look Now.

Several times in the past few days I have been asked if I have found a church to attend at Miami. For some reason, this kind of annoyed me. These inquiries came across as judgmental rather than concerned, as if I have allowed the college lifestyle to distract me from the romance occurring between my Savior and I.

Here is my response.

I believe, if I seek him, I can find God anywhere. He is sitting on my bed next to me, he is at the party I'll be going to this weekend. He is at the bar when I'm dancing, the classroom when the Spanish language or the concept of speech communication is being instructed to me, and the coffee shop when I'm working. He is in the cool wind blowing over campus on a wonderful day giving me a preview of the Springtime, the red brick buildings scattered about my university, and the rain that will fall tomorrow afternoon. I do not need to enter a house of worship to find God, for he is all around me.
I understand that He is not happy with some of the decisions I have made, but I also know that he loves me enough to know that he created me as an individual that learns best when it is from her own mistakes. He knows I need to screw up; after all, he made me this way. I believe that the mistakes I make are my own, and I can sense that those people who ask me if I have gone to church lately are passing silent judgment over me and the life I have chosen to live. All I can say, I suppose, is that he who has not sinned should cast the first stone.

I can honestly say that I am happy right now, and that's something I am sure of.

Man, it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has.

Seven Things and Seven Songs That Make Up My Life Right Now:

//Things:
1. Hosni Mubarak has stepped down! Being able to watch the vice president of Egypt's speech live was a moment I don't think I will ever forget. It was so exciting to know that I was witnessing a piece of world history unfold in front of me. I also loved that a, for the most part, peaceful protest brought this all about.
2. I do not need sorority letters to tell me who I am.
3. The fact that freshman year has to end absolutely devastates me. I never want this to ever be over.
4. I went to a good friend's house for dinner tonight. He cooked for me, and then we watched Toy Story 3. It is so nice to know that friends like him will always stick around.
5. As close as Valentine's Day is, I feel no need to do anything about it. I don't want to indulge in chocolate, I don't want to be a promiscuous hoe... I just want to move on from it all.
6. Katherine is sleep talking about 6 feet away from me... so amusing.
7. This week was brutal. Two exams, three papers, and a group project. Though I have a midterm on Monday, making it to Friday was a wonderful feeling.

//Songs:
1. Carve Your Heart Out Yourself - Dashboard Confessional
2. Romeo and Juliet - Matt Nathanson
3. One Hand In My Pocket - Alanis Morissette
4. No Hands - Danny Vola
5. Barely Breathing - Duncan Sheik
6. Suspension - Mae
7. Underdog - Audio Adrenaline

Tell Me About the Letters.

It's difficult for me to imagine that anyone will feel towards me the way Noah feels towards Allie in The Notebook. Every time I watch this movie, especially alone, I always think about this. It's even more difficult for me to consider that this story is fiction. Perhaps the story is, but I simply can not bring myself to feel that love like theirs doesn't exist.
I just haven't felt it yet.

I Can't do the Talk, Like the Talk on the TV.

Especially lately, I have been extremely hesitant to post anything more than skin-deep on any social networking whatever. Or with anyone at all. I feel like the deeper things about myself are things that people should find out from actually knowing me. You can read every word on this website, and of course you'll get a better understanding of who I am... but I don't want anyone to get to know me without, well, getting to know me.

But the truth is that I write a lot of things so that I can get them out of my head. Usually, when I give myself permission to publicize something, I end up feeling liberated after all is said and done. When I share something that once polluted my mind, I feel liberated and free.

A lot of people who write and publish things say that they wouldn't be writing if their readers weren't reading. As far as this blog goes, I disagree completely. If you are reading this right now, thank you so much for caring about what I have to say... but I'm sorry, I do not write this for you. Not to say that it's for me, either. I write so that I can learn about myself. I read my old journals like books, sometimes. This is how I know who I am. I guess I would rather encourage other people to find ways to get to know themselves better, rather than encouraging them to read what I have to say.

I hope some of this made sense.

The truth is that I have spanish homework that is just frustrating the living hell out of me, and I don't want to do it.

This is one of my new favorite song lines:
"I can't do the talk, like the talk on the TV, and I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be. I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you... I can't do anything except be in love with you."

Bienvenidos a 2011.

I feel like the new year actually calls for a reminiscent blog. Time to look back over the past 365 days, listen to "The Blues" by Switchfoot, and sing Auld Lang Syne to myself.

Should old acquaintance be forgot...

2010 was the year that, as a child, I never thought would come. The year of my high school graduation, the year college became a reality, the first time I would ever live on my own. This year was everything I thought it would be. Full of change, an unbelievable amount of fun, leaving my comfort zone, meeting new people. I can't begin to put into words how it feels to know that the year that took forever to get here is actually gone. My childhood is really over. A whole new chapter has been in the making, and it's unbelievable.

I brought in the new year at my friend Joey's house with disbelief that 2010 was actually here. I'll be saying goodbye to 2010 on my living room couch with disbelief that it's actually gone. As real as it's been, I'm ready to say goodbye.

One night, I'll celebrate New Years in Times Square with the love of my life. I'm confident of it. One of my best friends proved this year that it really does happen.

In the meantime, I'll welcome 2011 with open arms. I'm so excited to see who and where I'll be this time next year, but I'm in no rush to get there.

Happy new year.

Rejoice! Rejoice!

Christmas Truths:

1. Christmas has been kind of difficult for me the past few years.

2. Christmas is supposed to be the happiest day of the year.

3. Christmas has turned into the day that makes me the most lonely.


Here's the thing. I earnestly look forward to the time when I have a family of my own to celebrate the birth of our savior. I can't wait to spend Christmas eve with my husband, putting presents out for our kids. I can't wait to go to Christmas eve church services with my family, or watch my children open their presents at five in the morning. These were the Christmases I grew up having. I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I can no longer celebrate one of my favorite holidays the way I used to, and it really hurts to know that there is nothing I can do to change that. It makes me sad when I feel alone and know that I don't have anyone who really understands what it's like to be in my shoes at Christmastime, and no one who really expresses any interest in caring. These are times when I am single and miserable. When I miss the family I used to have. It doesn't feel right when I'm spending Christmas with strangers.

Anyways, I've decided to spend my Christmas eve reading the gospel Christmas stories, listening to O Come O Come Emmanuel by Bethany Dillon on repeat, and thanking God for the gift who is great enough to, more than simply conquer my loneliness, but give the entire world a chance at eternal life.

I'm working on remembering that the birth of our Savior is a lot to be happy about, and that the inconsistencies that make life difficult are minuscule. I have so much to be thankful for, and I don't want to forget that.




Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

River Flows In You

I'm taking a really fast break from my Journalism Portfolio, because I can't stop thinking about how wonderful this all is right now.

While I am miserable that I'm stuck working on this portfolio, especially since my major isn't journalism anymore, I am thrilled with how beautiful everything is around me. I'm in the dimly lit Kofenya coffee shop, sitting in the world's most comfortable chair, drinking a soy sugar free vanilla latte. I am facing High street, and each building is twinkling with Christmas lights and snow. Cars with bright headlights drive by, people walk down the sidewalk, and I know everyone around me is in the same boat: thrilled for break, miserable for finals. It's cozy in here, and the smell of Hazelnut and coffee hit every person immediately upon walking through the door. Yiruma plays through my headphones and I feel collegiate as ever.

It's one of those things where I just know I'm where I'm supposed to be.

Back to work.

Music To My Ears.

Today, I was at one of the dining halls on campus for dinner. I wasn't hungry for what they were serving, so instead I got a big plate of fruit and a bowl of raisin bran. I set down my fruit and raisin bran at the table we were going to sit at, and walked over to get a glass of water. I filled my cup up with ice, then water, and then turned around to walk back to my table, when I saw that the guy standing behind me was intently staring at my chest. I mean, making eye contact with my boobies. Needless to say, I was sufficiently creeped out.

I walked away, forgetting about Mr. Pervey Perverson, with full intent of sitting down at my table and eating my dinner. Upon reaching my table, I set my water down and noticed something, well, unusual.

Yes, you guessed it. Indeed, there was a raisin bran flake stuck on my sweater. On my right titty. Poor guy couldn't stop looking at the corn flake stuck on my boob. I guess this could be embarrassing to some, but I couldn't stop laughing.

Typical.

Breaking it Down Articulately

I'm one project and one portfolio away from being done with my first semester of college, and it's far too bittersweet.

In retrospect, this semester has been incredible. When I think about everything that has happened over the past four months, I can't believe how much I have grown and changed and experienced. I have learned so much about who I am and what I believe. My priorities are becoming more concrete in the sense that I'm beginning to realize the life I want for myself and what I need to do to get there. By no means do I have everything figured out; in fact, I think the biggest thing I've learned is how much more I have left to learn. But it's been amazing. In a few days, I'll be back home for a couple of weeks before rush starts and a new semester presents itself to me. I can't wait for what else freshman year has in store for me, but at the same time, I never want it to be over.

When I think about how much I'm learning about myself and how much I'm beginning to understand what my existence is about, I can't help but feel extremely blessed to have the opportunity to continue to learn at one of the best universities in the country. It's unreal how happy I am.

I'm also coming to grips with mistakes that I've made. Maybe that terrible night last summer that I wish more than anything I could take back was downright awful, but this semester has showed me that life goes on. It could have been a lot worse, and it's definitely baggage that I carry around and think about every day, but I'm lucky that it wasn't anything more than it was. I wrote in my This I Believe essay that I believe in learning from my mistakes, not letting them define me. I guess actions speak louder than words, because that's definitely easier said than done. The point is, however, that I'm not letting that night define how I believe I should be treated. My self worth is defined independently of how others see and treat me, and that's been something I have needed to realize and apply for a very long time.

I guess what I'm saying is college has lived up to its expectations. I've sat under oak trees and read books, I've listened to classical music in coffee shops while writing papers, I've been belligerently drunk, I've kissed boys, I've written terrible reviews for bad professors and great reviews for incredible ones. I spend nearly twenty-four hours a day with some of the best friends I've ever had, and have had some of the best conversations of my life. There are few things I love more than a good heart to heart, and I feel like I have one every day. Perhaps my blog has gotten boring and repetitive because I have no desire to talk about anything but how happy I am. Sorry for that.

You Can Climb A Ladder Up To The Sun

I had an awesome conversation the other night. I've told everyone about it because it was that awesome. A friend from my dorm and I should have been working on homework, but for some reason decided to  read The Lowest Animal essay by Mark Twain. We talked about everything. People, morality, relationships, gender roles and expectations, anger, God, weakness, love, sex, life.

I think it's important to have those conversations. He and I were up until 6 in the morning talking about everything, and yes, I may have been disgustingly sleep deprived the following day, but it was worth it. I couldn't let my life be a skin-deep kind of existence, not even if I tried. For me, it's always been about thinking deeper into things. It's always been  about questioning myself; it strengthens my faith, my core values, my weaknesses.

When the opportunity comes across for you to talk about your existence, seize it. If you are given the chance to learn more about someone, regardless of how well you already know them, please take it. It's unreal to know how quick friendships start in college, and I love it. Within a week, a complete stranger can become one of your best friends.  There are so many reasons why I love school, but this is at the top. I meet new people every day.

The fact of the matter is, anyways, talking about things is necessary. Admitting weaknesses isn't easy, but it makes you stronger. Your life is important. Talk about it with people.

Growing Love, But Like Water, Time Will Always Slip Through.

When I was in the car, driving home for Thanksgiving break with Brian and his friend Cat, we talked about living through things, and how much better everything is when you have someone to share it all with. Cat went to Europe recently, and said she loved every minute of her trip, but couldn't stop thinking how much she wished her boyfriend at the time was there to see it with her.

I think she hit it on the spot.

I love my life, and I am so proud of and happy with the independence I've established for myself. I know I can do anything, and while I rely heavily on those whom I love, I do not by any means need a boyfriend to affirm my self-worth. I am happy with my life just the way it is. Yes, I say it all the time right now, but really, I've never been happier. I know how much I will miss freshman year when it's over. I don't think I'd even want a guy by my side for this. I'm too busy figuring out things for myself right now.

Miami is beautiful today. And every other day of the year. At this moment, the snow is gripping onto the branches of the bare trees, and a solid sheet of white covers the roof of every building on campus. The red brick contrasts with the white of the snow, and its beauty speaks volumes to why this school is one of the best in the country, and why it has been around for over two-hundred years. Seeing these familiar buildings in this new season makes me so happy, but I keep thinking about what it would be like to see this all with someone whom I love. Maybe not today, or even for quite a while, but one day.

What I'm getting at, I think, is that I love discovering things on my own and by myself right now. I feel like I am, for the first time ever, legitimately independent. It's just me. There is no way to express the skyrocketing levels of contentment I feel. But, I don't want it to always be this way. I look forward to seeing new things and being at new places with a man I really love. I believe it will happen to me, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sometimes restless for when it will be my turn.

For now, though, I am happy. I don't know where I would start if I wanted to tell you about the love story that's happening between me and the life I've chosen to live. I could not be happier. But there's still a Snow White song echoing in the back of my mind, and it won't let up. Someday, things will change.

Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

I won a writing contest called 'This I Believe.'
This is the essay I wrote:

I Must Be Mistaken

As far as mistakes go, I am professional. I’m good at screwing up. The truth is, though, I think we all are. I love that about being human, being alive. Every mistake is not life or death; in fact, most aren’t. We are capable of dealing with them and moving on with our lives.

I believe in mistakes, and I believe in learning from them.

If there were a patron saint for messing up, my father would be him. After I turned fourteen, he married a beautiful woman and adopted three underprivileged young boys with her. I was so proud of my father; he had become a new person, completely different from the one who walked away from my family, leaving us in financial and emotional turmoil in the face of my brother’s first military deployment to Kosovo. However, just as quickly as he had become a new, good man, Dad went back to who he used to be. Before my half birthday, he walked out on my step-mom and baby brothers; I have not seen him since.

To say that my father has made an incomprehensible amount of mistakes over the past few years does not do justice to how much hurt he has put my family through. Any young woman with daddy issues can agree that there is no possible way to articulate how it feels to know that her father has missed years of tennis matches, her senior prom, and her high school graduation. He wasn’t there to see my brother, now an E-6 Staff Sergeant in the United States Army, return home from Iraq. He never looked back when he walked away from my beautiful baby brothers.

My father has never learned from his mistakes, but I’ve learned from them.

My father’s mistakes have shown me that I must be a good, virtuous person because the repercussions of being unscrupulous are quite unpleasant. I’ve learned that forgiveness is not merely a positive afterthought to an unfortunate situation, but rather an absolutely necessary means of coming to terms with the outcome of any problem, be it downright calamitous or a simple misunderstanding. I have seen what a life of not learning from one’s mistakes can lead to. In forty years, I do not want to find myself in the same situation in which my father has put himself. Though he has never meant to, he taught me that a life to be proud of comes not from perfection, but rather from embracing one’s flaws and working to better them.

Mistakes are, without a doubt, unavoidable; especially in my case. If I didn’t hit the trash cans backing out of the driveway or fail my Honors Biology test because I didn’t feel like studying, not only would my life be horrendously uninteresting, but I would never realize the immense opportunity to make progress. I believe in learning from my mistakes, not letting them define me. My father taught me that.




I know I said a while back that I would post the completed version, so here it is.

Joyful and Triumphant.

Back in Oxford after a surprisingly eventul Thanksgiving break.

Thanksgiving means a lot to me, because a lot of things have happened that worked real hard to try and ruin it for good. My father left Kate and the boys the week of Thanksgiving. My dog, the one whom I love and miss as much now as I did when I found out she was gone, was put down the day before Thanksgiving in my sophomore year of high school. A guy who really hurt me showed up at a party I was at on Wednesday this year, and I really let it get to me. It was the first time I saw him since the night that everything happened, and I just wasn't strong enough to handle it.

So many crap things seem to happen around holidays, especially my favorite one. But the thing is, I'm far too blessed to ever let the darkness have the upper hand. The shadow proves the sunshine (not so subtle Jon Foreman reference). I have a mother and a stepfather and a stepmother, along with the best big brother in the entire world. I have step siblings whom I love immensely. My friends are absolutely incredible, and I would do anything for them. I have absolutely no reason to complain, ever. I'm receiving a great college education, and I have so much love around me. I am so, so blessed. Around this time of year, I feel it's only right to take a step back and think about how happy I really am. It would have been so easy for me to let my father's shortcomings, along with every other less-than-desirable thing that I've dealt with, forever ruin a lot of things for me. I refuse to let that be the case. I have a life ahead of me that is full of far too much good.

I am blessed, and I don't want to ever forget that.

To Do This Holiday Season:
-Have homemade gifts for everyone.
-Attend Christmas Eve at Fellowship Bible in Bainbridge with my broski and sister-in-law. And hopefully ma!
-EGGGGNOGGGG
-Spend a day baking Christmas cookies with Ma
-Read the Christmas story in each of the Gospels.
-Watch all of the following:

• Elf
• The Nativity Story
• Christmas Vacation (YEEESS!)
• A Christmas Story

-Embrace ABC Family's "25 Days of Christmas," as well as "Fa la la la Lifetime." Of course.
-Fully decorate the dorm room.

I just wanna fully embrace the holiday season. Don't judge me.

Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel

'Tis the season.
And by that, I mean, the season to start hearing professors talk mercilessly about finals, and the retail world to explode. Thanksgiving is in one week, and Christmas is not far off, and this makes me hideously happy. Thanksgiving is, without a doubt, my favorite holiday ever. I know I should be working on this reporting assignment for my journalism class, but seeing as how my major is changing, I just don't care about this class one bit. It's difficult to find the motivation to work hard in a class that means nothing to my degree.

So what do I do instead?

Listen to Christmas music.

Here's your welcome to the holiday season, with my favorite Christmas songs, in no particular order.

Christmas to Christmas (Loving You) by Lee Greenwood
I know I said "in no particular order," but I will tell you right now that this is my favorite Christmas song of all time. This song was my childhood holidays, in a nutshell. Decorating the tree was always accompanied by this album, and this song was always my favorite. It's funny, because it's a cheesy love song about spending every Christmas with the love of your life and, after all of the chaos my family has been through, I still believe this song will be my life :)

When Love Came Down by Point of Grace
My family always used to put on music during dinner, and over Christmas, I feel like this CD was on all the time. My number one childhood memory is my mom whipping mashed potatoes and baking crescent rolls, finishing up dinner, while my brother sat on the couch playing guitar; we would wait for my dad to come home from work, and sit down for dinner. Needless to say, some quality Point of Grace takes me back.

O Come, All Ye Faithful by Starfield
It's just an awesome song. That's all, really.

Old Time Christmas by Randy Travis
We never really listened to country music, except during the months of November and December. We had a ridiculous amount of Garth Brooks and Randy Travis Christmas cd's, and they were played exhaustively. Nothing like an old time Christmas :)

O Come, O Come Emmanuel by Bethany Dillon
I found this song a few years ago and I just freaking love it. It's so simple and raw, and I adore the guitar in it. So, so, so good.

You may argue that this is coming about a week early, but I just love Christmas far too much.

You're so good at what you think you do to me.

Another November weeknight sitting in my dorm, and for the first time in what feels like years, I'm actually alone. My friends are eating dinner and I'm leaving for tennis practice soon. I can't even really contain how happy I am- not because I'm not with my friends, but because I forgot how great being alone was. I'm reviewing a lecture I have to report on for my journalism class, and listening to the new Anberlin cd. The only lights on in my room are the adorable Christmas lights we have around the back wall and our desks, and it makes the room just bright enough. It's cold outside, but the clouds haven't given snow a thought yet.  I'm sure later tonight I'll be surrounded by a handful of friends, but I just realized how much I took for granted the precious alone time I always used to have at home.

I'm sure what I'm writing right now is primarily garbage.

Home isn't too far away... just a week and a few hours. Most of thanksgiving break will, unfortunately, be spent at Great Lakes Mall at good old American Eagle Outfitters store #203 (hello, 12 hours of work on black friday?). Regardless, I'm thrilled to see my family. It's been over a month since I last saw my mom, stepdad, brother, and sister-in-law, and an eternal four months since I've seen my sister and all of my friends from home. I know the second I get home I'll miss Oxford terribly, but I still can not wait to just be home.

I feel the past 5 or so posts have been the same thing written over and over again, with different words. But I guess college is pretty repetitive. Sleep, class, working out, and eating are pretty much all I do. Unified for Unifat, club tennis, and now I'm on the Charter Day Ball committee! Otherwise, I do nothing. I love how much I'm learning, and I'm hoping eventually I'll be enlightened enough to write something introspective and thoughtful. Until then, this should suffice.

You Better Never Let it Go.

I guess you could call college the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I've never been happier, and that's the darn truth. Being on my own is bizarre, and extremely difficult to get used to. The thing is, though, I find myself often realizing how much I will miss this when I've moved on. I guess I'm trying to live it all with as much entirety as I can. My door is always open and I feel like I'm meeting new people every day. I'm learning so much, even though I hate most of my classes. People throw around phrases like "college is where you learn the most about yourself" often, but I never realize how true the statement really is. I'm learning so much about myself, and I know I have changed so much just in the past three months. I want to experience everything I possibly can, and I feel like I've done a good job of that so far. On top of some of the incredible and not-so-incredible things my classes have taught me, I've seen concerts, had my fair share of beer and liquor, worn heels uptown, joined my res hall's community council, played club tennis, kissed boys, spent more money than I should, and drank a lot of coffee. Surprisingly, and contrary to the "freshman fifteen," I've lost weight. I haven't been blogging because I've been so busy just living.

For those of you who care, I'm doing great. Botany is over, too, so I'm even better.
When I have something worth sharing, I'll be back with the quickness :)

I'm sitting in JRN 101 right now, the only class that stands between me and Fall break. As much as I love my life in Oxford, I'm so terribly excited to see my mom and my brother and my dog and, well, everyone from home. It's no exaggeration that I will seriously miss Miami and my friends here, even though it will only be a few days. Anyways, here's an update on my life:

1. I am currently writing this on my new MacBook Pro!
2. I dyed my hair. It's darker than I wanted, but I'll live with it.
3. So, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be a Strategic Communications major, with either a second major or a minor in Spanish. This means that my Intro to Journalism class that I'm sitting in right now is absolutely worthless.
4. My mom baked me an apple pie. Just dwell on that.

Take My Hand, I Will Never Leave Your Side.

I guess I'm going through a slump right now as far as writing goes. This feels ironic to me, mostly because I just won a contest for a piece I recently wrote for my University's summer reading program. Nonetheless, I really have nothing to write about. I have so much swirling around in my head and it takes so much to just get things sorted out for midterms, that by the time I get to thinking about anything else, I just don't care. I could talk to you at length about disaccharides, the elements of journalism, Cinderella, the use of the Spanish word se to express unexpected events, or concepts in group leadership. This is what my life revolves around right now. I guess it's kind of unhealthy that I don't give myself time to focus on much else, but really, my free time means working, playing tennis, and trying to meet new people.
I do not want to sound as if I am complaining, because I really have never been happier. There is not one thing I dislike about living in Oxford. I feel like I'm growing so much, and while I know less about what I want to do with the rest of my life, I'm so hideously excited for the future. At the same time, of course, I wish I could stay here forever. I can't believe how much fun I'm having.

In any case, I love my life right now. I may be more stressed than I ever knew I was capable of being, but things are great. I'll get things figured out one day, but for now, I just want to enjoy everything that I'm living in right now.

My current favorite song is "The Gambler" by Fun., and let me tell you, it is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. I want a story like that :)

I wish I could write journalism papers as fast as I can write one of these.

Also, I'd like to note that I've been struggling a lot with the whole concept of a blog. It seems so narcissistic to expect people to be interested in my life. I don't want to beg for comments and I see no point in telling the whole world my entire life story. After four years, I guess this has captured a pretty big chunk of my life. I'm not entirely sure of how I feel about that. I want my life to matter, but I think what I want to be important about it is that I worked to make other people realize that their lives matter. I don't really care about being brilliant and famous. Regardless, I'm not too sure what direction I'm heading with this website. I don't expect people to read this, and I don't want anyone to feel like they should. If my life is interesting (which I don't feel it is), then by all means, read on. But I'm not going to apologize for how hideously boring I really am.

I've Got to be Honest; I Think You Know.

I am fully aware that there are far better things I could be doing with my time right now. Nevertheless, here I am.

Five Things Going on With Me:

1. I am madly in love with 90's music. This may or may not be attributed to the fact that I grew up hearing my brother play Pearl Jam, Vertical Horizon, Tonic, and the like on his guitar. Some of my best childhood memories include my brother's Martin, and Pillsbury crescent rolls.
2. My nose is so runny right now, and I can hardly handle it.
3. The day after tomorrow, I get to see my Mama!
4. No signs of a migraine this week!
5. My current favorite song lyric: "Seems the road less traveled shows happiness unraveled, and you've got to take a little dirt to keep what you love."

She Moves Like Sea Breeze

Migraine headaches in my family are hereditary. My great grandmother had them, my grandmother has them, my father gets them, and so does my big brother. I never did, and we all assumed that it had passed over me. We thought that until, of course, college happened.

For those of you with whom I don't speak often, here's an update on the goings-on of my life at Miami. I play club tennis four nights a week, which is a blast. I'm meeting a handful of new people at tennis and I'm starting to get back into the swing of things. It's taken me a while to re-learn how to play tennis; it's been so long. I'm also a member of Unified for Unifat, a student-run organization that works closely with a primary school called Unifat, located in Uganda. It's a really intimate organization; we sponsor a handful of students and get to write letters and skype with them; I've never been given the opportunity to form such a personal relationship with a student in Northern Uganda, and I'm so excited to see what the rest of the year has for us. I'm on a broomball team with a handful of girls from my residence hall; let me tell you, broomball is FUN. I have a job at a coffee and salad place located in the business school, and I'm starting to make more friends there and actually enjoy working. I'm an active member of my hall's Community Council, and went to a training session put on by the Residence Hall Association Executive Board last Saturday. Finally, and most importantly, I'm changing my major. Never saw that coming, did you? Journalism? I'm hating it. Spanish, on the other hand, I'm absolutely loving. I missed Spanish DEARLY, and am happy to have it back in my life. I'm looking into either Mass or Strategic Communications with a second major in Spanish, or Spanish Education. I'm hideously confused about what direction I want to go, and I'm hoping I'll figure it out soon. Please, pray for me.

So, on to migraines. If you've never gotten one, I'm sorry, but you do not understand. There's nothing quite like spending your Saturday night vomiting profusely, unable to see out of your right eye or move your right arm, and sobbing hysterically in pain. Every blood vessel in my brain is all tuckered out, and I have, what I'm fondly referring to as, a migraine hangover. It's been a little bit of a miserable weekend. With all the stress I've been subjecting myself to, it actually makes sense that I've had two migraines in less than two weeks. Needless to say, I've regrettably turned down my second round interview for Campus Activities Council, because I don't think I can handle a daily migraine. I'd probably die.

They aren't kidding when they say that college is a time to discover yourself. I've been stretching myself too far, and I need to figure out my priorities and my passions and try to balance things better. It's going to take some time, but I'm hoping I'll get my life straightened out soon. Until then. I'm laying low from the crazy college lifestyle I'm going to try to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life. As much as I'd like to get my MRS degree and be done with it, I know that won't quite do.

I'll be more diligent in updating this thing, I promise. Let's hope life starts settling down for a bit.

Everything Has Changed.

I should be writing a Journalism paper, but it's just not going to happen right now.

I'm sitting at my desk in my dorm room, with the air conditioning off and the window up. I never met my great grandfather, but I know he'd be pleased with me. He thought air conditioning was no good. Tennis is on tv, but it's muted so I can listen to Noah Gundersen and Ryan Adams instead of Patrick McEnroe and Dick Enberg. Not that I have anything against them; tennis commentators have taught me everything I know about professional tennis. However, I do favor Noah and Ryan over the two. The breeze that's coming through the window is perfect and warm, and the trees behind the patio of Havighurst are mostly green; one bold red tree holds center stage. My door is open and my music is loud, and it's nice to know that the people in my building who were strangers three weeks ago are now my neighbors, my friends, my family.

I have a cup of hot lemon zinger tea, and it reminds me of home; I miss my family and my friends but I'm so overwhelmingly content in Oxford that I have no idea how I'll ever leave this place four years from now. I woke up this morning smiling and went to brunch next door with friends from my corridor. I keep meeting new people every day, and can't seem to adjust to how many more people there are here in comparison to my two-stoplight, rural, Perry, Ohio.

I know that Perry will always be home to me. My mom and stepdad always refer to Mentor-on-the-Lake as their "stomping grounds." Already I can see the crew and I saying the same thing about the Walker's cabana, and every memory attached to Perry High. It was a long road for me to realize that Perry was a great place to grow up. Now that I'm moving on and realizing that my childhood is a mere memory, I'm so thankful for everything that town gave me. Oxford is new and exciting and I'm loving every minute here, but Perry is my home.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm torn between what to call home. It almost feels like I'm cheating on Perry. I wonder if this is normal. Regardless, I know that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. I'm so entirely happy right now, and wouldn't have things any other way.

It's Only In Your Eyes.

I've been in college for two weeks now; here's a sampling of what I've learned.

1. Do not wear your lanyard around your neck, travel in packs, or move out of the way on the sidewalk so upperclassmen can get by. This screams "Hey there, I'm a freshman!"
2. A fact is something believed to be true. Keyword: believed. I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I'm actually learning things in a gigantic lecture hall. Even more unbelievable, the lectures are about botany. Yes, the study of plants.
3. Playing Marco Polo outside of one's dorm room window often leads to new friends.
4. Just because a police car is parked in front of a frat house with his lights on does not mean the party is getting busted. Regardless, running in heels is a skill I need to master. (Hello, traffic stop.)
5. You should know how to teach people how to play rock, paper, scissors. Some job interviews make you do that. If I could express to you how dumb I think that is, I would.
6. You don't have to run to a bus stop. If the bus driver sees that you need to get on, he'll most likely wait a few seconds longer to let you get on. This is another "Hey there, I'm a freshman!" things.
7. Nights really aren't meant for sleeping. Even though there are "quiet hours," it's not atypical for someone to come over at 1 in the morning. It's a new concept to me.
8. Days are pretty much for sleeping. I've realized that my Tuesday and Thursdays are nap days. I've embraced it.
9. Pictures of people from home hanging by my bed have their pros and cons. They're nice, and I won't take them down, but they can invoke super feelings of homesickness.
10. Narrative discourse is how a story is told. Thus far in the semester, I've studied narrative discourse in the contexts of Little Miss Muffet, and Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." Next week, Cinderella.

Needless to say, I'm loving college. If it weren't for people at home, I'd never want to leave. I don't think I'm ever going to get used to how beautiful campus is, or how many opportunities this place has to offer. The buildings are uniform, yet each has its own distinctive characteristics. There are trees and green space everywhere, and I can hardly contain my excitement for the autumn, when everything is orange and red and yellow. It feels like everywhere I go, I meet new people and somehow always find out that we have more in common than I could have ever expected. And yes, the opportunities? Endless. I might be going to Oviedo, Spain this summer. Oviedo's a two-to-three hour car ride from the town my great-grandfather is from. My Spanish professor, Alicia, told me I'd have a good chance of getting a weekend away to go track down my family. I'm joining the club tennis team, which travels all around the country. I'm also considering writing for The Miami Student, our newspaper here, and joining Unified for UNIFAT, an organization that works directly with the people of Northern Uganda.
I can't believe how happy I am.

I Won't Say You're wrong, But You Know That I'll Worry About You

As far as mistakes go, I am professional. I’m good at screwing up. The truth is, though, I think we all are. I love that about being human, being alive. Every mistake isn’t life or death; in fact, most aren’t. We are capable of learning from them and moving on with our lives.

Lately I’ve made a few mistakes that are bigger than most. I don’t want to go into the gory details because, to be honest, I’m just that ashamed and embarrassed of them. I’ve screwed up so bad that I’ve thought for hours about how I want nothing more than to take it all back. The fact of the matter is, however, I screwed up big time and I have to come to grips with that.

I believe in mistakes, and I believe in learning from them.

This is the first part of my potential This I Believe essay. We'll see how the rest goes.