I think that was the first time in forever that I went over a month without updating this thing.


I will eventually.

Music of the Moment?!

Making a strong comeback, my current favorite songs.
I'm keeping it limited to five; one, because there really are only about 5 songs that I've been listening to in excess lately; two, because I really should be doing my AP English work. I've been super studious all year long but today just isn't my day thus far.

Anyways.

1. Kylie, By William Fitzsimmons
I've finally realized my primary reason for adoring William Fitzsimmons; it's his whisper-sing. He manages to project his voice in such a way that it's obvious there's power behind it; he also manages to practically whisper at the same time. I particularly love Kylie because of the repetitive, monotonous phrase sung over and over again, "She spends most her life on the floor of hear heart..."

2. River Flows in You, by Yiruma
Lately I've been entertaining my family with Yiruma and the like while I do my homework. They are likely sick of it, but oh well. There's something, I can't quite put my finger on, about the piano that I, without any reservations, absolutely adore. When played, it can display a wider range of emotions than a human being can show under any circumstance. This particular song I heard when it was rumored that it would be "Bella's Song" in the Twilight movies. Having read the books, I think that this song fits the description of her lullaby far better than the one chosen; however, regardless of whether or not it was chosen, I love this song just the same. When I hear it, I can feel it surrounding me, becoming a part of me. I can't help but close my eyes to simply enjoy the beauty that is my existence.

3. I Never Wanted To, by Saosin
This CD has been in my car CD player for far too long, oh well. It cuts out about halfway into this song, but regardless, I love it. I think Saosin is a wonderful band, and I think that this song was thoughtfully created and well executed. Simply put, I just really like listening to it.

4. Where the Story Ends, by The Fray
I don't know where in the world this song came from, but I can say with certainty that I wish I'd had it in my life longer. I really love the lead singer's voice, and more than anything I think it's important to point out that I'm biased; I've never come across a song by The Fray that I didn't like. Decidedly so, however, this is one my favorites by these guys.

5. Never Think, by Rob Pattinson
I fall in love when I listen to this song. I'm not getting. Pattinson's voice is, without any doubt, the most painfully sexy string of melodies and harmonies that I have ever heard. "I'm coming out of this all wrong; she's standing outside, holding me, saying oh please, I'm in love... Without me you've got it all, so hold on."
There's no way someone could NOT appreciate the painful honesty that comes just from those words. When it's Pattinson singing them, it's an entirely new level of sheer beauty.

We are the only ones we are running from.

So it's been a while, and I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't busy.
School has been insane and even now, I should be working on a blog for PSL, but I'm just lacking the motivation. I'll get it back eventually, hopefully before Friday when it's due. Whatever.

So a quick recap:
I got a job!
High School tennis is almost over for me, forever.
Homework rules my life
Saosin is in my car CD player, and it's great,
Greek and One Tree Hill are on tonight!
I miss my college friends
I can't stand college applications,
and,
I'm thoroughly enjoying my senior year :)

More soon.

When Memories Fade, We've Got Each Other

Four days into senior year, and I've loved every minute of it.
The workload? Yeah, It's tough. I'm in five classes, one more than the general courseload for students at my school. Two of which are AP courses. I've had three or more hours of homework every night since school started.
But I'm so entirely happy. I love my town, I love my graduating class, I love my school.


It's going to be a good, good year.

The Last First Day.

To forgive is to agree to live with the unfortunate circumstances of someone's mistake. You deal with things, and you know? It's better to have people with you when you do.

Summer is over in a little under 12 hours. Hello senior year :)

"The Unwinding Cable Car" and "Time and Confusion" by Anberlin and "Lovers in Japan" by Coldplay are all incredible songs.

Life is great :)

Thoughts on an Accident.

I've learned a lot about people this weekend. I've learned about faith and compassion, and that their root is, undoubtedly, love.

Cody was hit by a minivan traveling at speeds of around 45 miles per hour. He hit and dented the front of it, cracked the windshield, dented the roof, and fell flat onto the asphalt. He was life flighted to the trauma unit in at Cleveland MetroHealth where it was eventually discovered that he broke three vertebrae and two bones in each knee, badly damaged an elbow, suffered terrible road rash and a ruptured spleen, and had a concussion. Tonight he is still in the hospital, but is, without a doubt, a guy with a lot of fight in him.

Yes, this all has taught me that we are fragile people. Our bodies are not made to last, and anything can happen at any time. I don't believe in luck, and I'm not sure that you can call it fate; I believe everything happens for a reason. It's certainly a reminder that we need God, that we are entirely dependent upon Him and His plan. But there's something about the way that he has created us that I witnessed this weekend:

We are all interdependent upon one another.

Cody has a handful of absolute best friends, and there is no doubt that they are incredibly close. They've spent every possible hour of every day at the hospital, and would sleep on the floor of his room if they could. I realized when I saw one of those friends today that Cody's condition isn't the only thing I should be praying for. His friend looked exhausted, pained, and worn out. I also know that the first thing tomorrow morning he'll be doing is going to the hospital to be with his best friend. He'd never consider being anywhere else. There's a lot to say for that. It's not that it's something admirable or respectable, and he'd never accept such a compliment. It's that he loves his best friend. It hurts him that his best friend of over 10 years, practically his brother, is in so much pain.
I'm glad that Cody has friends like that.

Here's the thing. I care about Cody a lot. A lot more than I've ever let on, and a lot more than I think I've ever realized until now. He's like another brother to me. We pick on each other and well, yeah, he's karate chopped my face and busted my lip open. Yeah. I'm sure I've bugged the absolute crap out of him time and time again, but I also know that I can trust him a great deal. I understand that he's not my best friend, and I wouldn't expect for me to be that for him. It does, however, mean so much to me that this guy who I care so much about has such an incredible support group. I'm blessed to be counted somewhere among that group.

I organized an impromptu "Get Well" scrapbook making thing at my youth group with my friend Amanda. We basically had everyone who came to youth group Sunday night make a page with a note of encouragement, maybe a picture, and some sort of bible verse. Amanda and I thought it would be a good way to keep his spirits high, and a great way for everyone at home to tell Cody that they're thinking and praying about him. We never realized that in doing so, we were providing ourselves an outlet to deal with the situation. It kept us busy, and we realized that what we really needed to do was just talk about things. Instead of always having it at the front of my mind, hanging over my head, I just said what I was feeling. We worked really hard on it over the course of Saturday and Sunday, and had a lot of great conversations laughing over memories of how ridiculous this guy is, or sharing our confidence for how quick his recovery will be. It was all for no reason other than that we wanted Cody to know that we care about him.

How this comes full circle, I suppose, is that we all depend on one another. We all love one another. We all need those people who we want around all the time, the ones who would sleep on the hospital floor if they could. We need the friends who will take care of us and of our families when we can't ourselves. We need the people who will remind us often not only that they love us, but why they love us. We all keep one another in check. God created us all differently, but we balance each other out well because we fit together right.

I would never in my life ask for something of this nature to happen to anyone just so that people can learn from it. The pain that Cody is in and the rehabilitation that he'll go through is something I'd never wish upon anybody. This hand, however, is the one that we've all been dealt. If nothing else, we've all learned to depend on one another. We need each other, and we are capable of a certain compassion and love unique to us; we were created in the image of God, weren't we? I'm happy that I have the friends that I do. I consider myself enormously blessed to count these incredible people as my friends. I'm better because I know them. Cody's injuries will heal and his pain will eventually go away, but the strengthened relationships we all now have because of this will be take much more to fade. We love you Cody, and we are so terribly glad that you are okay. :)

...My Hope Is In You

My friend was hit by a car today.

He'll be okay, but it's been a stressful few hours for me; I can't imagine what it's been like for his family.

With hopes now of only minor bumps and bruises and broken bones, I'm reminded of how human we really are. I'm reminded of how volatile things can be and how everything can change without a second's notice. It scares me that my friend is spending the night, and maybe the next few nights, in the hospital. It scares me that we're so fragile.

I hope that through this we all can understand that a little bit better. I hope that Cody knows what incredible friends and family he has. I hope that, despite the pain and lack of memory, he can have faith that we're all praying for him. We serve an almighty God, and I know that He, above everyone else, is with us all.

I know that Cody's faith in Him is incredible; it's something I admire. I know that he will be alright.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Psalm 39:7

The Story Behind The Story

I posted a collection of words that were an elaboration and explanation of my adoration for a certain song. The song's called "Southbound Train," and it was written by Jon Foreman. I posted it about 3 weeks ago, on July 4. This is the story that I was referring to. I was sitting right on the stage next to his foot when this video was captured, so I think that it's pretty cool that someone put this on youtube. I love it :)

Virginia is for Lovers.

It's been a great few weeks;

I'm entirely happy right now.

I may say this a lot, or not often enough, but I sincerely adore my extended family. I even begin to talk about how good my Aunt Tammy, Uncle Greg, cousin Marlo and her boyfriend Clint have been to me. To be honest, I don't know why they think I'm worth the effort but I'm so grateful that they've welcomed me here for two and a half entire weeks.

And yes, two and a half weeks will come to a close here in a few days. I'll be eighteen years of age in one week. I may or may not have some job interviews when I get home. My senior year of High School begins in a few weeks. There's so much that will change in my life from what it's like right now and what it will be like in a few weeks. I'll be a full time tennis player again, I'll be in two AP courses and a service learning class, I'll be trying to get a job again.

Yes, two and a half solid weeks of sleeping in and going to the beach and hanging out with some of my favorite people was much needed. I would not be lying if I said I'd rather stay here.

I'm beginning, however, to become open to the changes I'll be seeing in my life. I have a top three list of colleges: Miami, Florida Southern, VCU. Three different states, three completely different schools. I love them all.

I'm beginning to sincerely believe that things are going to get better for me. My high standards will eventually pay off. My sleeping patterns will improve. My studies will be serious. By no means am I excited to be done with summer. By no means am I even slightly content to say that summer will be over in a month. I am, however, excited to get on with my life.

This vacation was one of the best of my life, and for no particular reason. I didn't do a whole lot. I didn't get hammered drunk and I didn't meet anyone new. I spent a week on the beach at the Outer Banks, NC, and a week and a half with my favorite family in one of my favorite towns in Virginia. I've had good food and good southern lovin. I've let a few "Ya'll's" slip out and I smile more than usual. I love this beautiful state.

When I'm here, I'm happy. I grew up coming to this house. I've never been anything less than excited when I come here, and I've been visiting this same exact house my entire life.

Yes, it's changed. Few things on the inside are as they were eighteen years ago. Two less people live here; they have grown up with lives of their own. One has become one of my closest friends.

I guess this is the kind of thing that you just wouldn't understand if you weren't my big brother or myself. I understand that buildings are simply volatile physical structures vulnerable to weather and fire and the human hand. They're wood and furnishings and brick.

But this house is one of my homes. I walk in and know that I belong here.

This is another one of those things that I wouldn't expect anyone else to understand.

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.

I keep a stupid pink little book in my purse with me almost all the time because I realized that I have good thoughts when I don't have anything to write with or on. This book was a remedy.

The first page, I have some, what's called "Personal Motivation"
They're three different things that three different people have said to me over the course of my trip here on this planet. They're the three phrases that mean the most to me.

I flew today from my home state of Ohio to Virginia. And while I was sitting on my flight, I realized that if something were to happen and I were to lose my pink book, I wouldn't have any idea what these three phrases were anymore. Two of the three I could find again, but one is only written in there. It scared me to think that one of the greatest things someone has ever said to me could be lost forever, so I'm sending it into cyberspace because, although life doesn't have any guarantees, I need to know that I'll have these words to fall back on.

So here we go. Personal Motivation:

"Taylor
I believe you
I believe in you
You can become anything you want,
You are able to touch and change people
I will never encounter.
You are not insignificant.
You can become more than a rock and a tree.
But you are going to have to work hard,
and passionately."
-Stephen


"Don't cling to being a coward, You are more than that."
-Justin

"Go where you feel will make you happiest, and my heart will be there with you, feeling proud of you in all you will achieve. You are wonderful."
-Mike


I'm leaving out last names because you don't need to know who those people are or how famous or regular they are.
These three phrases, I'm sending out to every one of you. I believe in you as I believe in myself and as they believed in me. We're a generation dedicated to change. We're allowed to fall short, it's in our nature, and we're going to experience letdowns, but I have faith in what we can do.

She may not have said this directly to me, but I think that she somehow knew that she was speaking to an audience far larger than anyone of her time would have imagined:

"Everyone has inside of him a piece of good news. The good news is that you don't know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"
-Anne Frank.

25 Things About Me:

1. My mama is one of my favorite people. She and I have been through a lot together over the past few years and good lord have we made some ridiculous memories. When you live in a two hundred year old farm house on cemetery property for two years with just your dog and your mother, funny things are bound to happen. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.

2. I was a summer camp counselor last year (regretfully, I'm not this summer. I'll be there next summer for sure though) and I won the "Camp Mom" and "Camp Spirit" counselor awards. I have some plastic jewelry as my prize for them and every time I see it (it's on a picture frame of my campers and I) I still can't believe someone thought enough of me to give me not one, but two cheesy awards. It actually meant a lot.

3. However, the highlight of my week as a camp counselor was when one of the most challenging drama queen campers (she competed in pageants and was Miss Long Island two years in a row, and had no interest in being at camp or in making any friends there) came up to me on the last day while her mom was taking her suitcase to their car, and told me that I had changed her life and brought her closer to God. She's a really great girl.

4. When I'm older, I want to live in a city and ride my bike to work. Maybe just for a few years, but i want that life experience under my belt.

5. One of my favorite things about summer is the fresh produce. I could live off of blueberries and cantaloupe and corn on the cob...

6. I have a ridiculous zest for life and I'm more optimistic and open-minded than it ever makes sense to be. The five year perspective is my favorite way to live.

7. I had a dalmatian for 10 years of my life, and I miss her more than I've ever let on. She meant a lot to me; when I saw Marley and Me for the first time I bawled hysterically for over an hour. It was ridiculous.

8. I no longer have any communication with my father. Sometimes I think he might read my stupid little blog, but I know he doesn't really care.

9. College freaks me out. I know what I want to major in now (journalism), but I have no idea where I want to go to study it.

10. I've been playing tennis for six years. It's one of those things where when I'm on the court playing, I feel most like myself.

11. Breakfast food is probably one of my favorite things to eat. If I could, I'd probably have breakfast for dinner once a week.

12. I have a handful of best friends. Caitlin, Amanda, Kayla, and Zac. They mean a lot to me.

13. I'm flying to Virginia this evening. I'm excited to take a vacation from my life.

14. I really like grammar. Although I'm often annoyed by the whole "Who gets to make up the rules and why do they get to decide what's right?" thing, I still love making sure that things are correctly punctuated and in the correct tense. If I cared enough about this, I'd probably go back and edit it.

15. That's one of the many reasons I think I'll make a swell magazine editor. It's my dream to work at Relevant Magazine. I don't care what I'm doing there. If I'm living in Orlando, working for what has been my favorite magazine since I was 14, I'll be more than happy.

16. This past school year I was in a program called Leadership Lake County. I made some of the best friends of my High School career there.

17. I'm really awkward. Despite this, I think I'm still worth getting to know. I say that mostly because I want to meet as many people in my life as I can.

18. I am on my computer far too often.

19. I really like being outside. Unless I'm going out in public I don't wear shoes, and I absolutely adore going on Wildlife Adventures with Caitlin. Usually in rainboots and in odd weather at a weird time of year.

20. E! News absolutely annoys the hell out of me. Somehow, though, I find myself watching it far too often. It's pathetic, really.

21. I've seen my favorite band seven times, and I've seen their lead singer play an acoustic show once. I sat on stage. If you know anything about me or have ever read this blog, you know exactly what band I'm talking about. I'm not a crazed fangirl, I will be angry if you accuse me of such.

22. I drive a purple 1993 Ford Taurus. I call her the Tarusaurus, or the Purple Princess. She will stand the test of time; I love that car.

23. I'm so excited to get married and have kids. I mean, I can definitely wait until I'm ready, obviously, I'm just saying that I'm so excited to be a mom.

24. I struggle a lot, but I am a follower of Christ and I know that love comes from Him and that love is Him, and that by him I am able to love others. I'm so blessed to have this understanding.

25. I'm happy. I mean, extremely content, enjoying life. I have so many amazing people in my life and I wake up in the morning and can not believe that I have been so blessed.

Just Some Tentative Plans.

Birthday Plans for Caitlin and I*:

1819: Rustic Camping (Maybe)
1920:Prohibition/Flapper
2021: Jetson's (Futuristic)
2122: Drinking Games.


I mean, it all makes sense.





*It should be noted that Caitlin and I have the same birthday but are a year apart. Hence the names for our birthdays "1819," "1920," etc.

"It's The Rhythm Of My Heart, And My Sleepy Girl's Breathing..."

That goes up there as one of my most favorite lines from a song, ever.
I remember so much about seeing Jon play his acoustic show at Alive a few weeks ago. I tried to allow my mind to be a sponge to my surroundings; I knew it would be a night that I wouldn't soon forget. I talk a lot about how much the things Jon and the rest of Switchfoot have taught me, and I can say time and time again that I am who I am today because of them. My trying to talk about it will never have as great of an impact on someone as it had on me. I've come to grips with that, and I really enjoy having something that only I understand best. This is my story, you know? It's paved with a lot of mistakes and a lot of learning to cope. It just so happens that a lot of it was paved with songs written by Jon Foreman. I'm not a crazed fangirl. I'm a person with great respect for another person.

So when I got to sit on stage with the person I respect more than nearly anyone in the world, I began absorbing everything that was going on. It could have been no one in that tent but Jon and myself, and I wouldn't have noticed. I was so focused on the words he was saying and the notes he was singing that nothing else mattered. I heard him tap his foot to the beat of his music as loud as I heard him sing. And he told a story that stuck with me, and comes up every time I hear this song.

He visits a monastery a lot, it's a place where he can clear his head and become in tune with what his own conversation with God is saying, and be around so many other deep and passionate conversations of the same type. He's gotten into the habit of traveling to this monastery (which, incidentally, recently burned down due to California wildfires and is in the process of being rebuilt) by train. His trainrides are of course occupied with a lot of thought and questioning. I've found that he, like myself, questions things a lot and has become quite content with always searching for answers. It's a beautiful state to be in, really. On one particular trainride back home, the question of where home is came about, and he began to realize that our home, where we all really belong, is not a place that a train can take us to.

What I love about this song is how he talks about his wife. I feel like a lot of Switchfoot songs are a lot about life and the deep big questions about existence and God. I love that this song shows a side of vulnerability towards his wife and how beautiful he finds her to be.

I think there's a lot of different facets to this song and what it has to say. At the same time, it is painfully simple and clearly sung with a passionate longing for understanding.

"It's the rhythm of my heart, and my sleepy girl's breathing; it's the rhythm of my southbound train."

10 Things, Real Fast.

1. I've been watching too much Disney Channel

2. I no longer have braces and, just like Mike and Zac said, random ass guys keep talking to me. By the way, the way to my heart is not by reading my blog. Weirdos.
So you guys were kind of right. But I'm sure you two didn't want this for me. Hahahah.

3. I booked my plane ticket for Virginia. I'm going to be there for a little over two weeks. I'm so excited I could pee.

4. My chemical peel stuff has cleared up, for the most part! Now I'm just back to having regular acne. I never thought I'd be glad to say that.

5. I love Arrested Development. I never realized how hilarious it was.

6. I've made the executive decision to not bring my laptop with me to Virginia. I'm taking a vacation from the worrrrld.

7. I saw the new Transformers movie. It was the most stressful and incredible movie watching experience of my life. Note that in my new Blog layout, in the picture of me on the right I'm wearing my Optimus Prime tee shirt. I love it.

8. My retainer from my braces makes me gag.

9. I wish there were late night tv on that didn't suck.

10. I had a caramel apple yesterday, it was wonderful and covered in white chocolate, peanut butter, and regular chocolate :)

I am furious with my dermatologist.

Things/People that/who annoy me:

-Dealing with a relatively rare side effect from Chemical Peels called Post Inflammatory Hyperpigmentation. Basically, I have big brown blotchy spots all over my face and I have to wait until Monday to see what kind of treatment I have to get to get rid of them. It could take up to six months. So much for being pretty after I get my braces off.
-People who are obsessed with their significant other. Maybe I'm just so used to seeing that from the outside in that I actually realize how stupid they look, but seriously, I will never make my entire life revolve around a guy.
-Not that a guy will ever give a blotchy faced metal mouth a second glance.
-The fact that Rafael Nadal isn't playing Wimbledon this year. Seeing as how I'll be staying in my house all weekend, I've been watching a lot of the tournament. Although the match was incredible, watching Haas beat Cilic in the fifth set 10-8 isn't as exciting as watching Rafa play.
-The fact that I can't go anywhere without people looking awkwardly at my face.
-The fact that I'm letting this bother me so much. I just wish it would go away. It'd be different if it were hyperpigmentation on my stomach, or my back or something. This is my FACE. Now I'm acne hasn't gotten any worse, and my chin and cheeks look horrendous. I hate that I'm crying so much about it. But it hurts, so bad, and I hate feeling self conscious about things.

I guess this is kind of ridiculous of me. I mean, I know it is. But there's a reason why my mom is the only one who I've let see it. I keep crying about it and of course I know it's trivial but I was so excited to get my braces off and finally not have so much effed up with me. Maybe one day I'll have it all together.

I'll probably delete this.

Daylight is coming :)

Remedy Drive is playing, and a caesar salad and bowl of grapes breakfast of 12:00 noon is in my stomach. The pool is too cold for swimming, but the deck and the sun are hot enough to lay out. There's a glass of water to my right and my only complaint is that I have the hiccups right now.

Tomorrow night I'm going to see Transformers with Caitlin Brian and Sam.

My primary reasoning for posting this is so that when I go back and look at these some cold and crappy day in winter, I will remember what I have to look forward to.
Just thinking about having to brush my car off with snow makes me cringe.
Regardless,
I absolutely adore the summertime.

Salvation is Here. (Eternal Ramblings)

Six years ago I found a burned cd in my brother's humongous, impressively large cd case. It was white with the word "Switch" written on the top, and "Foot" written on the bottom. On the left side was a cleverly drawn lightswitch, and on the right was what was probably, assumably, supposed to look like a foot. My brother, I think, got a kick out of it more than anyone else did, and that was exactly what I needed right then.
My brother was, and still is to me today, indestructable. Although I certainly realize without a shred of a doubt that he is just as human and as flawed as I, he is my hero, my rock, and my favorite person in the entire world. And although he was the coolest and strongest person I knew, he wasn't around then.
A quick walk across the stage and the receiving of a diploma, and within a month, my favorite person in the entire world had left to be trained to become a soldier for the United States Army. He returned in December, the same brother I had known for twelve years, but also an entirely new man.
I can't remember much between that Christmas and the April that he left for his first tour of duty in Kosovo, a Balkan state overcome by poverty and war. I remember when our parents took the two of us out to dinner and told us that they were no longer going to be living together. We received the "It's not a divorce, it's a separation" speech, but he and I both knew (although neither of us vocalized it to one another) that we were facing the beginning of the end.
And yes, yes it was. A few weeks later, my brother left for the other side of the world, and I stayed home through December, watching my parents' marriage crumble.
And in retrospect, crumbling was the best thing that could have happened. My father became manipulative, and my mother was unhappy. However, as a thirteen year old girl, I had assumed that my life was just never going to be better.

I reached a point where I decided that I was one of those people who probably would just live unhappily. At thirteen, I had lost hope.

And on one of those days that Kyle was gone, there were a lot of them and to be honest, I don't remember anything distinct about that day, I found myself digging around his CD case looking for something that would make me feel like my brother wasn't in a country so far away from our own. I came across the cd with his stupid little drawings of a lightswitch and a foot on it, and I remembered my big brother. I put the CD in and was quick to fall absolutely in love with something that gave me hope.

It was not Jon Foreman's voice. It wasn't the lyrics that sung about letting love be enough, or being given innocence again. There was a whisper that was between every note and every word that told me not to give up, that hope always is to be relevant and that I will be okay. It was the first time in months that I felt content. My seventh grade year was, as most people describe their middle school experience: awful. But within the friends telling me a divorce wasn't a big deal, that it wasn't Iraq or Afghanistan, and that I was being dramatic, within every tear and every fight and within every tense "family dinner," I began to seek hope.

And six years later, I don't know if hope is something that you have or are. I don't know if it's something that you can find just as quickly as you can lose it. I don't know a lot of things, and as I get older, I realize more and more things that I do not know.

I do know, however, that hope is persistent. I know that we are flawed and that this concept of pressing towards something, or someone, better comes from someone who has no flaws. It comes from someone who sacrificed everything so that we could be seen in that same light.


Six years later from the summer I found the CD, I found myself living in a summer night in a crowd of people who may be hopeful, who may have lost all hope, or who may not know what it's like to live either way. I found myself in a crowd of stories, and i felt refreshingly insignificant to both know that my story is just as valuable as the story to my left or right, or three rows back, and to know that when I did look up in the sky, there was a universe far larger than I, and far more important. And still, I was just as loved and valued as every other story on that hill, in my country, on our planet. When, on the last chorus of a song that challenged me to overcome hopelessness, the rain began to pour, I felt alive. I felt truly alive, to look up and watch individual raindrops fall from the sky onto my face, and then to look forward and see a passionate face singing about lifting myself off of the floor that I was on. I felt alive to look back and see him, minutes before, as a silhouette, as if I were a part of a beautiful photograph. I felt alive to be sitting on a stage with the man who wrote me letters in the form of songs.

Everyone changes from age twelve to age eighteen. Everybody loses their infancy and is challenged to take on responsibility. I won't argue that my change was more or less drastic than that of anyone else's. I don't know any story as well as I know my own, so I can only argue that my evolution from hopeless to hopeful is due to a few people who God put in my life when I thought I was nothing. I now know that I am something, and I am so outrageously hopeful that my generation will be the one that can tell the physically and spiritually hungry and weary and ill and thirsty that there is a source of whole contentment, of entire health, and of complete hydration, and it can not be found in any food, drug, or water. When I realize how things have changed, and how I have changed, I can't help but be thankful for the vessels who carried me from point A to point B. We are all interdependent upon one another, and I don't admire these guys because they sell lots of CD's and have fans all over the world. My hands don't sweat and shake when I meet them. I am, instead, an individual no less or more than any of them, with no less or more answers, who has crossed paths with some surfers from the Pacific Coast.

You are, undoubtedly, entitled to your argument that a silly rock band from San Diego, California can't change a person's life this way. I can only say that from the day my parent's divorce was filed to now, the conditions of my life have drastically changed. The events that I found myself facing were greater, in every sense and assumption that can be made of the word.. So that silly little rock band from southern California may not mean much at all to you, but I have military deployments, divorces, and everything in between to show you that they mean more to me than I'll ever be able to tell anyone.

This isn't half my story; that's not to say that anything about my entire story is any more interesting or heartbreaking, but only to say that in order to understand me entirely, you'd have to have created me. I have my faith in that being, and it is my sincere hope that not only did you begin to understand why I am the way I am from this long-winded story, but that you have the same faith and hope in your creator, our creator, as well.

Here's the face of everything that breaks it down.

I spend far too much time attempting to answer my own questions.

I'm really excited for the rest of my life. I'm excited to meet new people who give me new points of view. They'll give me portions of answers to questions. And I find so much beauty and confidence in my knowing that I'll never have everything figured out.
I think it's so incredible that we're all different. That we're all different pieces, and we're able to come together in hopes of the eventual formation of a three dimensional puzzle that is far more intricate and valuable than thousands of pieces scattered, doing what they please.

But what I am having trouble understanding is this.
I have confidence that we'll come together under one God to move closer to the people our Father wants us to be. I thrive in movements, in revolutions. I find so much beauty in closeness and I adore seeing people happy with one another.
But me, myself? Intimacy scares the hell out of me. Friendship, I'm entirely comfortable with. I adore finding refuge in people whom I trust. But I don't understand how I can find that refuge in one person who sees the same thing in me. I don't understand how I can rely on someone enough to wish to be with them the rest of my life. I see other people doing it all the time. I see people fall in love, but I also see people fall out of love and it's just a not-so-subtle reminder that we are a volatile people, and we will all fail one another.

But if we go into these intimate relationships with the mutual recognition that we will fall short, and that we will fail one another, will it not make it easier to forgive one another when the inevitable does occur? So if I do have this understanding, then why do I fear letting my guard down as much as I do? I mean, you hear about girls with daddy issues and they're usually the ones who give sex to get love and always get let down. I'd never even think of letting anyone I hardly know have that part of me, so I suppose I'm not in that category. I'm too scared to be even remotely close with any guy. It's easier to have simple crushes on them and be let down before I ever realized I may have had a chance. I get hurt but I heal quicker and although I make no progress, I don't take any steps back either. I start with myself, and I end with myself. Yes, I have some best friends and some family members, and I definitely love and need them. But they have their own significant people whom they trust and know better than everyone. I don't have one of those people, and I suppose I'm both happy and sad about that. I don't have to worry about being let down at such an extreme level. But at the same time, I get to talk with my best friends about the people whom they love the most, and I try not to let the thought enter my mind that nobody feels that way about me. I have my best friends and then they have theirs.

And maybe this is just part of how I'm supposed to grow up. Maybe I need to be dependent on God and myself right now, and then when I'm at a better place in my life, some guy will come along and maybe I won't screw it up.

And I guess this is me answering my own questions. It's all I really can do, I guess. I'm not satisfied when my final thought of the evening ends with a question mark. I need a conclusion. I am desperate for resolve, and whether or not it satisfies my current needs or makes me happy or sad is unimportant. I just need to know that in a volatile world, I can find a concrete conclusion, even if I'm promised that the concrete will soon crumble.

And it's two bare feet on the dashboard.

Today was the last day of school; it was a half day because we take our afternoon class finals one day and the morning class finals the following day, and then leave. At eleven o'clock, I walked out of Perry High School for the last time as a Junior. I walked into the parking lot toward my car while the surrounding chaos ensued. A gold/brown Ford Ranger was blasting "Summertime" by Kenny Chesney while the assumed driver of said truck began driving away with the passenger door open. The assumed passenger chased after the truck, the driver slammed on the breaks, and the passenger got in. "Summertime" continued to play until I got into my own car where less celebratory music was playing.

People at my school are funny.

Helloooooo Life.

There are few words in any language that can begin to describe how ecstatic I am about being done with school. And I'm strangely okay with being a senior next year; a handful of people I know are freaking out about it. I mean, the college thing for sure is absolutely crazy. But I'm excited to have fun classes.

On the side of job applications, I've applied for at least 45 jobs in the past two months.
I would love any one of them. And if you're an employer who googled my name and found my website, I'm a hard and diligent worker devoted to customer service and doing a good job. And I get my braces off in less than 3 weeeeks.


Gosh, I love my life.

Hello, Saturday Night :)

The contents of my Saturday night:

-Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea Bubble Bath Soap
-Extremely smooth shaven legs
-A load of laundry and a clean room
-MTV.com's full length episodes of Laguna Beach
-Cocoa Krispies
-Marley and Me (which I'm currently watching for the first time, and by myself. I'm thinking this was a bad idea.)
-Garden Salsa Sun Chips
-Pink Lemonade

The only thing that has brought me down was the realization that my DVD player remote isn't working because one of the batteries exploded and there's battery acid all over it. Oh well.


I sincerely love my life.

..How to Deal

"You can't choose when to fall in love"


Think about it. Both ways.

Safety in Fatalities.

My mother has two sisters: one who lives close to me and one who lives far. The one who lives far, Auntie Tammy, has a husband and a son and a daughter. They live in Virginia, a distance far enough to make the trip to visit a hassle.

The visits, however, were always worth the hassle. My aunt and uncle have lived in the same beautiful, two-story house for my entire life. I’ve grown up visiting the same house for Christmases and Easters and summer vacations. I’ve always found it somewhat odd that a home so far from my own could always seem so close to me. I visit two or three times a year and yet, as soon as I walk in the door I know the fridge is fair game and the spare bedroom is mine. It’s my home away from home, complete with a family that is my own.

Packing up the car to go to Virginia was always a huge ordeal, especially when I was younger, and a pain in the ass. No, seriously, I was awful. I have owned up to how terrible I was as a child and am, admittedly, eternally in debt to my family for somehow still loving me at times when I was anything but lovable.

But packing! Packing was the chore my mother dreaded. Loading up the car and making sure there were enough things to keep me busy enough, making sure my brother had enough CD’s for his discman so that he didn’t have to put up with as much of me. The car ride was 8 hours on a good day; it was upwards of 12 if we got turned around, took the West Virginia way, or stopped for meals. Eight hours in a car for any child seems like eternal torment, but I was awful in a particularly terrible way. In every way, shape, and form, I was a horrendously behaved young girl. This was at no fault of my parents or relatives; no, this was simply the way I was and I do, indeed, feel terrible for putting my poor family through so many years of wondering if I would ever grow out of it. My poor older brother had to put up with me for so long before I became tolerable to be around, but he has loved me when I was anything but loveable and through the most unbelievable of situations.

On one particular trip, I’m not sure if we were going to Virginia or coming home, a terrible car accident involving several cars, fatalities, and a lot of blood occurred, and when our minivan came upon the accident, a majority of the ambulances had already left for the closest hospital. The fire department were cleaning up the pieces of cars that were once useful, but traffic was still at a stop. My mother quickly noticed that this accident had taken place on the same side of the road that my window was facing, and she knew that outside my window were a lot of pictures that she didn’t want her eight-year-old daughter to have inside of her mind. My parents wanted to keep me from seeing things that a young child shouldn’t be concerned with, and with much reason.

My mom turned around from the passenger seat and looked towards me very calmly, “Sweetie,” she said, “I need you to look over at your brother for me.”

For some reason, and probably for the first time in my life, I abided without question and turned to see my big brother’s soft eyes looking towards me. Being six years older than me and often referred to as my third parent, my brother knew exactly what my mother was asking of him, and he looked me square in the eyes as if to say “Don’t worry, you’re okay.”

I don’t know how my brother didn’t hate me; for the first thirteen years of my life I was anything but a good little sister to him. I was obnoxious and annoying and always hung around his friends. I was disrespectful and rude and unkind. Maybe he didn’t know I would grow out of those tendencies, but he did know that he loved me. He loved me enough to know that he didn’t want to see me hurt or scared or upset. So, he looked me in the eyes and without saying anything, he told me I was safe.

A sidenote:

I would like to make a side note, after reading my blog comments, that Caitlin Rebecca Casavecchia is counted very high among my blessings, because she is one of my very best friends and because we both understand that the true measure of our worth can be made only because we're the dulee's who were dumped on the side of the road and run over by a mack truck when we were once funny. It should, however, be noted that she and I are going at great lengths to strive to be funny again. It's beginning to work.

But seriously Dulee, I don't know how I didn't mention you in my reasons to be happy. You're the best and I love you, a lot.


:)

Question.

I'm absolutely terrified of the possibility that my life may not have a happy ending, and I'm terrified that my story won't have a knight in shining armor.

The Happiness Anchored in My Soul.

Reasons to be PISSED AT THE WORLD:
I got a traffic citation tonight. The cop said it looked like I was going fast getting on the on ramp and he was going 80 to catch up to me. Didn't have laser or anything. He said he was "sparing" me and said I was only going 75. Gee, thanks officer. And because I'm under 18, I have to show up at juvenile court next month in hopes of a not-so-crappy punishment.
My mother is furious about said citation. My insurance will probably go up, I might get my license taken away for up to 30 days, and I'm bawling my eyes out. This happens to me. Of course.
I don't have a job and if this punishment thing involves money, I only have 300 bucks in my savings account.
I'm broke and I need a job.
I need a JOB.

Reasons to be HAPPY TO BE ALIVE:
I got to see Brian AND Mark today. Having friends home from college is seriously wonderful.
I get to see my little brothers and my cousin and my aunt and uncle this weekend.
Dane Cook was on Oprah today.
The TV show "Friends" is fantastic and I love it.
The song "Dernière danse" by Kyo is absolutely beautiful and one of my favorite song. Not just currently, but of all time. The live version is even better.
Learning French and how to play guitar are high on my to do list.
I'm alive. My heart is beating and even though a fainting incident that landed me in the ER earlier this week could suggest that I'm not entirely healthy, I'm going to say that I am. I'm healthy enough to be here telling you about my crappy and wonderful day. I'm healthy enough to run and sing and live. I have food and I have a comfy bed.




REASONS WHY THE GOOD OUTWEIGHS SAID SHITTY DAY:
This time next year, the repercussions of my traffic violation will no longer be affecting me. It will be a thing of the past that will only come up in passing, be it conversation or random recollection. No, I'll never forget it. But I will also not forget eating homemade nachos in Brian's basement with old and new friends. The public justice system sucks and makes me angry and being angry is okay. I know that my legal punishment will be far less than that which will be inflicted upon me by my parents. I'll probably be restricted to driving only to and from school, and nowhere else for a few weeks. But it's temporary. It's all temporary. My blessings? They're entirely permanent. My relationships, though one could argue are volatile and temporary, are not impermanent. I will remember seeing Mark for the first time in over a year and seeing Brian for the first time since Christmas more than I will remember my speeding ticket. I will find a job. Things may suck for a while due to said speeding ticket, but I'm okay with it all because I know it will all come to an end.


I'm blessed. Even when I'm pissed off and angry and feel screwed over, I know that God has blessed me with far too much to ever want to be angry about any condition of my life.

pensamientos, esperanzadas, revelations, fears.

Today was the first day of May. That makes me happy, and it makes me sad.
I'm overjoyed by this promise of beautiful weather, of friends returning home, of summertime.
I can't believe that we're already beginning the fifth month of this year. We're in the midst of a change in seasons, our newly elected president has been in office for over 100 days now.

New things are becoming regular, and this makes me hopeful because it means that newer things are on their way.

These are things that have been on my mind lately.


I am taking two AP tests this year: AP Spanish and AP Statistics. They are both on Tuesday, at 8:00 AM and 12:00 PM, respectively. I'm dreading the entire thing, but am so looking forward to it all being over. I'm crossing my fingers for a 4 on the Spanish exam. The Statistics one? I'll be surprised if I get a 3.

I'm not sure if I've ever been quite this excited for the Summer, ever. Dulee and Brian will be home from College, we'll all be done with school. I feel like I'm getting all of my real friends back. I'm so excited for the beach and Transformers and Camping and Alive.

I've kind of hit another one of those brick walls when it comes to that whole romantic portion of my life. I may not like my sister's boyfriend, but he makes her so happy and it's so hard for me to just be happy for her. I've never felt like someone actually needed me like that.
I just want to be happy with no reservations. And I have so much faith that there's a guy out there who God created to be with me, as I am confident that part of my purpose of creation was to be with him. I know that. I believe that. But I'm going to be eighteen in less than three months and my love life (besides a few 2 and 3 week flings that ammounted to ultimately nothing because it never felt right) is in the same state that it was when I was 13. That is beyond pathetic. God has a plan. God has a gosh darn plan. But I'm human, and my faith is being tested, and I'm becoming impatient and lonely. I know that He can cure any loneliness. I know that, as well. But I also know that my physical self really could use a hug from someone not giving it out of sympathy or a feeling of obligation.

I say it a lot, but I just want to feel safe. There's a line in garden state that says that. I think it's really honest, and really beautiful.


I can't believe I'm about to be a High School senior.

Lately, I've been realizing how much beauty I have in my faults and insufficiencies. I feel like they're what make me who I am. I kind of love myself for them. I enjoy being a little screwed up. It means that I need a Savior.

"If It Means A Lot To You" by A Day to Remember makes too entirely happy, and too entirely sad at the same time. I needed a song like that.
I plan on listening to it a lot tonight.



I'm feeling hopeful.

Going through my head lately...

Habakkuk 3:1,2
A prayer of the prophet Habakkuk, with orchestra: God, I've heard what our ancestors say about you, and I'm stopped in my tracks, down on my knees. Do among us what you did among them. Work among us as you worked among them.And as you bring judgment, as you surely must, remember mercy.

Micah 6:8
But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously.

Psalm 139:13-16
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.



God is a lot better at running my life than I ever could be. These verses have been going through my head a lot lately, and with good reason. I'm excited for the changes coming soon in my life.

My Future?

Thoughts on my future:

Sometimes, my prideful nature gets the best of me and I'll admit, it's so difficult to remember that God can really do a much better job at running my life than I ever could. I've just been praying about where I'm going and what I'm going to do, and this is what I think.

My Top Two Schools:
1. Liberty University-Lynchburg, Virginia.
I was first drawn to Liberty when I realized that it was the two big things I want for my College years: to be close to my brothers and cousin and aunt and uncle and stepmom, and to be at a Christian school that will challenge me and hold me accountable. This was before I even researched and realized how honestly incredible all of their academic programs are. I want to learn more about Christ from a Christian perspective. Yes, most colleges teach classes on Religion. But how many of those classes are taught by a professor who is challenging me to go deeper in my relationship with Christ? I just love that it's a big school, but that so much of the focus is on the individual. It's so unbelievably affordable, too. I know it's far, and my mom walks out of the room when I mention it, but I'm slowly realizing that this is my life. I need to do what's best for me, and I'm praying it's this.
2. Miami University- Yes, so a massive public school kind of contradicts everything said above. But there's something about this school- the beautiful campus, the incredible education I'd receive, the fact that I'm far away from but still reasonably close to home, that really makes me love it. I think that if something with Liberty didn't work out, I'd go here in a heartbeat. The thing that's been bothering me lately is that I know that no matter where I go, I know I'll love it. The big thing is where I'll get the most out of. I think that's Liberty.

Majors?
1. Athletic Training
2. Journalism
3. Education (English or Spanish)

I feel so confused and mixed up in this whole thing. It's so stressful.

And then came You.

I say a lot that my life is blessed. And I mean it 100%, but I don't think I always think about what that really means.
Easter Sunday reminded me.

It means that I serve a LIVING Savior. It means that although I've done the sinning, He's done the dying. He's done the dying that lets me be who I was meant to be. That lets me feel happiness and know what Love really is. That lets me live.


There's a few verses in Micah that I'll put up later. It's four o'clock in the morning.

I'm going to close my eyes.

Move with me, Move with me.

It's so easy to get lost in constantly
having to preserve whatever face
you believe a person wants to see
rather than your own.

Yet we hesitate to surrender all of our
insecurities, only the ones we are most
comfortable relinquishing.

Such a Paradox, Isn't It, Isn't It?





There are so many reasons why I love this song.

photosynthesis?

So I've realized that lately, I've been narrating my life in my head. And it sounds good. I'd make a good novel, let me tell you.

And although my biology teacher, who looks like a frog, is quite insistent on the apparent fact that designing this photosynthesis lab is unbelievably important, i know that after this grading period, I'll care even less than I do now. Most of my lack of interest is due to the fact that this teacher has not taught me anything. I have not learned a thing from his lectures and I've been going by the mantra "give respect to get respect." He is not on the beneficial end of that deal.

So instead, I'm on a class laptop "watching a photosynthesis simulation" that will "help me design my procedure."

I still could not care less.


Anyways, my life:

1. I've been listening to this song "River Flows in You" by Yiruma every night when I fall asleep. It's wonderful. I like it.

2. I really want to learn how to play the guitar.

3. I'm desperately searching for a job. Needless to say, It's not working out too well for me.

4. After this school day, I'll have one more school day until spring break :)

5. I have bible study tonight! I'm supa excited.

6. I went an extra minute in the tanning bed yesterday and now I'm lobster red.

7. My mom came into my room this morning around 7:30 and was like, "Taylor- GET UP. IT'S ALMOST 7:30." At the same time, my alarm clock went off. It was then that I realized that I set my alarm clock for 7:30 instead of 6:30. But I still somehow got to school on time. So whatev.:)

8. I can't, for the life of me, decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. I've been going back and forth between education (either spanish or english) and journalism. Caitlin's resolution? Be a teacher and write a book.


yeah.

so take my heart, and make it new.

This is my testimony.
I told it in front of my church, and then I cried.
read, enjoy, do whatever you'd like.


I feel like the best way to start this off is to say how blessed my life has been.

Most testimonies start off telling about where a person was before they accepted Christ, but I can't remember a time when I didn't see myself as a Christian, when I didn't know that I was a child of God.

I grew up coming to church on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights. My brother was in the praise band, my mom was a Wednesday Night teacher, my father was a Tuscarora counselor.

I grew up knowing that Christ died for me, and through His love, I was blessed with an incredible, loving family. I praise Him for this every day.

And I also praise Him for both the blessings and hardships over the past few years that I never faced alone. I've turned my back on Him only to come humbled before Him again, more times than I can count. And whether or not I chose to believe it at the time, I know Christ has carried me through the best and worst.

He was there when my brother, a sergeant in the army, left for Kosovo and again when he left for Iraq. He was there when my parents divorced. He was there when i found out my father made some terrible decisions that caused my stepmom to be a single mother of three. He's been here all 749 days that have gone by since I last saw my father, and has reminded me countless times that although my earthly father may not be all I wish he were, my heavenly Father loves me more than I can comprehend.

And every year at Tuscarora, I am humbled by the unending love of our Savior, and by the fact that my name went through His mind when He was on the cross.

C.S. Lewis said, "I believe in Christ as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else".

I am who I am because Christ has let me live, and live to the fullest. For this, I am so unbelievably blessed.

somewhere in between what i feel and what i don't

So I've been banned from blogging in the spanish language lab. I got yelled at.
Bummer.

Instead, I'm sitting in the library internet cafe thing while i'm supposed to be doing cancer research for bio II.

what fun!


and also, i'm apparently typing like a maniac.
i can be heard.


So anyways. my life.
nothing terribly new. i'm training for a 5k and i'm sore all the time.
i have a three day weekend.
i'm still not done with my NHS application.
i can't make my mind up about anything right now.
i have this flower pen that i absolutely adore.
and also, i have the biggest craving for denny's pancakes and sausage.

but i've been doing so good about eating better!

but ohhh i need some denny's. terribly.

i have a dentist appointment tomorrow.

oh, and i love Jesus. a lot.

:)


have a nice day.

mi vida, en un minuto.

update on life.

1. i got fired from my job. well they changed my schedule without consulting me and because i was unaware my hours had changed , i didn't know that i was supposed to be at work last sunday. and then my manager called me once to try to tell me about a mandatory employee meeting but couldn't leave a voicemail so figured she had tried. so when i didn't go, they fired me. but never told me. so i called to double check and make sure i was working and my manager was like "oh yeah.. we replaced you."
whatever, i hated it there anyways. i just would have liked to leave on my own terms.

2. i'm currently really into this devotional called "community" that's based on the early christian church. i love paul's writings so i figured it'd be right down my alley. it definitely is.

3. i've refused to allow the "post-tuscarora blues" to set in.

4. i'm really tired. and i haven't done any substantial amount of homework since before winter weekend.

5. i need to finish my NHS and junior week applications. STAT.

6. there was a seminar at winter weekend about marriage and whatnot. i realized that there are few things i want more than to be happily married with children and a white picket fence.

7. i despise AP classes.

8. i have an orthodontist appointment tmrw. it's supposed to be the last one before i get these awful things off. :D :D :D

9. i love my youth group. and i really really miss the extended youth group. dulee, chris, brian's cash and kempert, jason, etc. etc. etc.

10. i'm going to bed now. with no homework done. and i don't care.

i've never made a youtube video in my life.

...until now, that is.

"...just you wait"

"i do NOT believe that i would have the heart for others, the hurting, the poor, or the broken hearted, if it were not for the experiences that God allowed me to have.

maybe in this season of your life you may feel left behind, ostracized, criticized, a 'lesser known';but maybe, just maybe there is a reason for it. you can't see it yet, but you will. you know what sticks, stones, and broken bones are and what a broken heart feels like, but realize that maybe it happened to you now because you know exactly what a broken heart feels like and someday you can help mend someone else's.

there is a reason. just you wait."

-stephen

forever my heart will sing of how great You are.

And I've found myself breaking about seven spanish language lab rules, yet again.
I'm drinking a caribou coffee iced coffee. I have my cell phone on my lap. and i'm not doing anything on the blackboard agenda today.
it's just not gonna happen.
I'm listening to music on projectplaylist.com rather than the dialogue i should be attempting to translate. (divine romance by phil wickham is bouncing around the corners of my head, aiding me in recalling the feelings i had 24, 48, 72 hours ago).

the feelings i pray will never fade.

i've been reminded to live. i've been reminded that we are not of this earth and we are called to love as we have been loved, and to fight, as we are living in a spiritual warzone.

i've been reminded to listen to God and i praise him every time i remember the smack in the head He gave me this weekend; i needed it desperately. i praise Him for being so persistent. i praise Him for refusing to give up on me even when i all but turned my back on the incredible life i have chosen to live. i praise Him for speaking to me, i praise Him for giving me the ability to hear Him and the ability to have free will. i praise Him for blessing me with a will greater than anything I could ever give myself, and i praise Him for giving me a purpose.

God put a lot in my heart this weekend. Some makes almost no sense to me. Some seems too good to be true. for me, this weekend was about being still and listening. I forget to do that a lot. there's a lot that i need to be praying about. there's a lot that i need to be persistently praying about. i feel like this weekend He told me something that was a source of reassurance, that i'll never be alone. In many ways, I will always have somebody, and I will always have His spirit. I'm smiling here, staring at this computer screen, knowing that He's reading this and that He's helping me articulate the thoughts that will follow this. I praise You for loving me this much, and for never leaving me, for reminding that I am safe. For sending people to remind me of all of this.

"for you i sing and dance. i rejoice in this divine romance."


me-me-me-memories:
-back in? beckon? beckham? [rules video]
-arguing with chris over arby's bags.
-brushing my teeth, brushing my teeth.
-trying to prank cody and chris; rachel and i hitting our heads and then getting water balloons thrown at us.
-moonshine, rockettt fuel pee, air wick, christmas smelling lotion. [love my room]
-the name game. hey! HEEEY!!
-dance dance dancing during true north's sing sing singing.
-"cannons" by phil wickham
-calling steve studmuffin.
-never have i ever?
-SLAPPPPPPS
-talking to dulee on speakaphone.
-amdanda, cody, chris and i carrying out tradition. OF COURSE. this time, it included rainboots and a denim mini skirt. and the most comfortable pajama pants i've ever worn in my life. and epicly failing the first time around.
-boyss winning bball :)
-playing knock out. TUCK YO ElBOW IN!
-finding out that ESP seriously does not work.
-the boy's fashion show? yeah..
-are you ready? are you ready? are you ready? ready for what? ready for what? ready for what? b-b-b-b-b-basketball game, what? basketball game, oh! basketball game!
-big pieces of pizza...
-promising to work out with pip in the morning...
-byron emmert. enough said.
-nail clippers...
-creeping on kasey and his chica.
-hillside/florida love <3 michelle, dan, jonboy, seth, sarah etc.
-junior week dance dance dancin.
-"chris alderson. i'm not in the girls hallway."
-"I GET THE PANTS!"
-why kathy babcock hugs make us cry.
-rachel opening the bag of ricecakes...
-"who's up there from mentor?" i don't know. "who's up there from mentor, do you know?" no, i don't. "hey, who's up there for us, taylor?" I. DON'T. KNOW!
-the busride home, chris' headphones hate me, 'my dick' by mickey avalon.
-i need the boots. i want clothes, rachel. i'm going to bust down your door and break through the window. i. need. the. boots. "okay so 8:30 in the lobby, then?" NO. don't tell them that! "okay so NOT at 8:30 and NOT in the lobby." i bet i'm on speakerphone right now. that would be a rachel beavers thing to do. no, it would be a taylor nyman thing to do actually. did you call me a loser?
-cody's birthday, enough said :)
-he's a skinny little motha...trucker.
-katie/caelyn/caitlin/etc. girl taylor/boy taylor. chris/kris. wanting to die when people didn't specify who they were talking to.
-random hugs and saying hello to everyone we saw.
-amanda trying so hard to wake me up in the mornings.
-the mentor signature cheer: "that's alright, that's okay. Jesus loves you anyway"
-knowing i'll never be able to think about wind the same.
-cartwheels
-the video from the busride there of cody creepin.
-sitting outside our room on the last night folding clothes trying to see if anyone would try to sneak out.
-sam eating ice cream with his hands
-amanda yelling at the people singing the birdie song and then realizing that everyone else in the room was at least mildly unconscious.
-getting no sleep, and loving every single minute of it.
-cody's mass text messages.
-"unless he sucks or lacks the proper fishing equipment. then it's not your fault."
-byron's "don't wait to fall in love" seminar.

the funny thing is, i know i'm missing so much.


I think the hardest part for me right now is that for four days, i could let my mind go wherever it pleased and i could focus on whatever i wanted to. i adjusted to much to these thoughts that now that i'm back at school, i realize that i'm having trouble pushing any of that to the side so that i can devote my thoughts to, well, AP spanish. or bioII. or AP stats. So i've decided that today is my day to adjust and that i'm going to spend all class right here. the more i can get things out of my system and down on paper or typed on here, the more i'll be able to focus.

hence the reason why this is turning more into a novel.

i just feel so happy. i feel so blessed. i feel so excited for the rest of my life. i'm full of energy and praise and love.

i am so happy. :)

i just want to be a small part in your passion play

william fitzsimmons has been serenading me a lot lately.

i met julie chavez rodriguez today.

i did yoga today, i really want to start doing it regularly now. it was the most relaxed i've ever felt.

i don't want to screw this one thing up, but i'm pretty sure i already have. not that there was ever a chance you'd see anything in me anyways.


it rained today, and it was beautiful :)

estoy perezosa. es un problema....

I don't think i've ever been this excited for a change of seasons. Yes, i know that the volatile weather of northeast ohio probably still has a few feet of snow in store for us before we can embrace the "april showers bring may flowers" mantra. But nonetheless, I left my house this morning and stood in my driveway for a few long seconds smiling about how beautiful it looks and smells and feels outside.
Spring is definitely my favorite season now.
I was tempted to drive with the windows down just because i love it outside that much, but yeah, it's still cold afuera.

I've been really happy lately. And not that it doesn't make sense for me to not be happy, because I mean look at my life- I have friends and family and a home and a job. An education, a future, a passion for life and love and tennis and everything within the cracks that fall through the three. But I've genuinely been learning to embrace all of this wonderful.

I'm sitting in spanish again, and i'm currently waiting for my "conference" with señora about a writing i did last week.

She gave me a 4 and wants me at a 5 level. Let's be honest, that's what i get for being lazy and starting my week's worth of homework Thursday night.

I have this terrible tendency to do solely what i wish to do with desregard towards what needs to be done. Eventually, of course, everything on the high priority list gets checked off but still, I've got issues man.
Like now, I should be doing estas actividades de escuchar del librito y no hay nada que quiero hacer más. (jajaja, chiste, chiste, chiste).

So here's my week:

Today:
School
Work out
tan?
homework/laundry/clean

Wednesday:
YPS annual workshop 8:00-3:00 (yes, i have to be in downtown cleveland AT 8:00 am. yayyyyy me.)
best buy interview 5:00
tan?
PACKING
not getting to work out.

Thursday:
School
Work out
Last swim team dinner
tan?
finish packing
go to amanda's

Friday:
leave for tusc :) :) :)




Of course, this week is the week that all of my teachers have decided to murder me with homework. yayyyy AP classes.

I'm now realizing that I'm honestly just saying nonsense in here because i don't want to work on these actividades. I probably should though. Or at least pretend to.

btw, william fitzsimmons is my new favorite person.

everything has changed, everything has changed.

william fitzsimmons:
"Last night I had a dream, I was in the graveyard, looking at my father, buried in the ground. Swear that I could hear him, tell me he was sorry. And everything has changed."


That is all.

oh, i've been driving on this road too long

There's this smell, this promise of springtime that was in the air all weekend.
And I've been listening to a cd that i listened to nonstop one spring a few years ago.

I feel happy.


Today when i was driving home from YPS, hearing this cd reminded me of that time and i realized that I genuinely can't remember how things panned out over the course of those few years. I know the order that things happened: Separation, Kosovo, Engagement, "Farmhouse"/Ron's, Farmhouse, Wedding, Breakup....Years....Engagement, Kenny's, Iraq, Wedding.

But in between Kosovo and Ron's. Those were a few months: the last few months my brother lived with us. And I can not remember them. I remember the promise of moving. I remember not knowing what would happen next. I remember being sad.

Looking back, i wish i would have written more then. I wish i could grab a journal and flip back and remember exactly what i was thinking and when. And that is why I am glad i keep this.

But i suppose what I'm trying to get at and what I'm trying to say but can't quite express is that I've felt different lately. Not a new different though. I feel the way i felt a few years ago. I don't feel sad and I don't feel scared. I don't know how i feel. I feel this familiar different refreshing sense of insignificance and youth and freedom. I feel alive and i feel all the beautiful and ugly components that are part of it all.

i feel okay again. i feel hopeful and i smell the springtime.

debo estar trabajando, pero..

today would probably be one of those days where my sister would call me, um, "bipolar barbie."
i've kind of had an awful week. and yesterday and today have been splendid. yesterday, this is great, i slept in through first block, made myself breakfast, and watched good morning america. it was fantastic. and i've turned into a workout fiend lately, bahh i love it. i mean i've always gone to the weight room, just because i know i need to to stay in shape for tennis and so that i don't blind people with awfulness when i go to the beach. but lately i genuinely have looked forward to going.
and tuscarora is a week from today. so that's super exciting.
and right now i should be working on spanish in the language lab; we're doing AP prep and wow that sounds hideously unappealing.
oh, and i accidentally bought an ipod on ebay! HAHA.

the odd thing is that absolutely zero circumstances have changed. i mean i've gotten over the fact that said boy just won't ever like me that way, and i'm strangely completely okay with that. my sister's still with the guy who's nowhere near good enough for her. swimming season has ended for me and that's a massive weight offfa the shouldas.

it just struck me that it's completely possible that the increased amount of daylight that's been showing itself lately could be part of this all. or maybe the promise of springtime, or the fact that i get my braces off in a few eternal months, or that i'm back to high school courses and my stress level has gone down. Maybe i've gotten into a routine that i enjoy, or that i've been doing more service hours than usual lately. or the increased amount of working out that i actually enjoy. swimming was great but i just don't have a passion for it. being able to push myself in the weight room, thinking about the three set matches i'll be able to win because of my offseason training, bahh. it makes me SO excited to pick up my racquet again. oh! and rafa won the aussie open. that's made me insanely happy as well.

for whatever reason, i'm completely struck by this incredible realization that i absolutely love my life. bah, i'm so blessed.

love and love and happy afternoons.

i just need to know that i'm not always going to feel this way.


please tell me that one day, i'll feel safe in someone's arms.
i need a reason to remain optimistic.

"she's got the moon in her hips, and her eyes burn up like the sun"

today sucked, so i'm really guessing tomorrow will be great.
i don't want to go to sleep feeling the way that i do right now, and it sucks that the one person who could make me feel better about all of this has no idea.

no idea at all.

i remember days when it took so much more to slow me down

songs that remind me that i'm alive:
(not why i'm alive. instead, they tell me exactly what i need to hear: that i'm not surviving, i'm living.)


1. such great heights-the postal service
i think the beginning of this song, if nothing else, just kind of makes me put the rest of my life on pause, if only for a few seconds.

2. let go- frou frou
i listened to this song a lot back in the days when i had a relationship with my father. i miss my trips to richmond to visit him more than i ever thought i would, and yes, this song definitely tears a lot of wounds back open, but i think that they're wounds that i'm not ready to let heal. the fact that a song that persistently whispers "there's beauty in the breakdown" is one that brings back these memories, it's enough to keep me hopeful for the future. i know that one day i'll meet someone who will promise me that it's okay to let things heal, and that it's okay to let go.

3. kreuzberg- bloc party
the buildup of the semi-monotonous guitar line keeps my attention throughout the entire song. had it not been for my adoration for song lyrics, i'd listen to this song solely for the instrumental portion. there's a lot of songs (the two above and several below as well) that i think would be best listened to driving through a brightly lit city in the middle of the night. don't ask me why, but listening to these songs just makes me want to be with someone i love, in a city where anything can happen, in the middle of a promising night.

4. boy with a coin- iron and wine
another guitar line that keeps me enthralled in the song the whole way through. sam's voice is really calm always, but it was surprising to hear his voice just the same, but accompanied by relatively upbeat music. i'm not much of a music video person, but the video for this song is really beautiful.

5. hide and seek- imogen heap
i know, i know. but this woman knows how to freaking sing. of course she's on this list multiple times.
this song eerily reminds me of drowning. on the flip side, however, my best memories of listening to this song are from summer nights when i truly felt alive. i've never spoken to anyone who didn't agree that this song is downright beautiful. techno a'ccapella never seemed plausible, but few things have sounded so great.

6. angeles-elliott smith
i just think that this song is really beautiful. if you know me at all, you know i'm a sucker for an honest voice and an acoustic guitar. mr. smith here got me good with this song.

7. betrayal and out of order-fiction family
after recently investing in fiction family's fantastic cd (which you should definitely do as well, by the way..), i've found that these are the two songs i listen to most. betrayal because well, being the crazy switchfoot fan that i am, i've know about this song for quite some time. it's amazing to hear it in a form other than a poor quality youtube video. the lines where he sings "i think it rained, i think it rai-ained" and "a pretty face, a pretty fa-ace" and so on are my favorite.
i love out of order as well, and i'm not sure why either. i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i've never heard anything quite like it. the tempo changes so often and i love that the words and the instrumentals don't harmonize perfectly. it's becoming a favorite, which is surprising, as i didn't like it very much upon listening to it for the first time. "i remember days when it took so much more to slow me down/i've been lonely too long" is my favorite line.




this list is going to grow.

you want me? well come on and break the door down.

somtimes i wonder if you think of me often.
and if you do, i wonder what conversations within your mind have taken place.
i wonder what your opinions are of me.



....
i'm currently watching romeo + juliet, the baz luhrmann one. it's really incredible. i'm thinking that i'm going to read the play again soon, now..

we're awakening.

what happens when what she thought was her comfort zone begins suffocating her? what does she do when she realizes what's familiar is the catalyst in her destruction? what are her options?

what do you do when you're scared and alone and no one understands? all the walls are falling down. everything's crumbling, and there is a certain beauty in the wreckage that can be found nowhere else.

the promise for rebuild is giving me hope.

seven things/seven songs

seven things that have occupied my mind over the past few weeks:

1. last night, i finished anderson cooper's memoir, 'dispatches from the edge.' i've read bits and pieces of it over and over again, but this was the first time i read it cover to cover. i can confidently say now that i want to be a journalist. that book is absolutely fantastic.

2. dark chocolate chex mix. i'm on my period, and dark chocolate chex mix probably was the best thing to happen to me today. there's little cookies and little m&m candy things and chocolate covered pretzels. dark chocolate chex mix was sent to me from God today.

3. i feel left out a lot, and i'm guessing it's all probably in my head. but if it's not, then whatever. people move on and if they moved on that quickly, i'll look back on this all eventually and be glad things turned out the way they did. i always am. i just have to see whatever decent possible outcome can surface from this all.

4. the 200 swim, i ask to do it every weekend. i hate it. but i still ask to do it. don't ask me why, because i really, really do not know. i haven't the slightest idea.

5. i hate my job.

6. so honestly, i waste too much time thinking about this guy i have a crush on.

7. i have to decide between swimming at sectionals with my team, and going to tuscarora. i think ultimately, i'm going to go to tuscarora. but making the decision is just too dificult to even think about.



seven songs that i, well, adore right now:
1. comfortable-john mayer
2. ok, it's alright with me-eric hutchinson
3. behind your eyes-jon foreman
4. hazy-rosi golan ft. william fitzsimmons
5. southern weather-the almost
6. dare you to move-switchfoot
7. love story-taylor swift


annnd, that's my life as of now.

the use of a semicolon?

so i can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse that my english comp professor last semester pretty much taught me to completely admire the beauty of perfectly exectued complex grammar. i read newspapers and books and other blogs only to my find myself nodding in assent to the correct use of a semicolon.

it's ridiculous.

i'm dreading next semester, which starts on tuesday. i actually have a full school day. gone are the days of sleeping in until 11, going to one class, and then being a bum for the rest of the day. it's quite unfortunate.

oh well.

"Life is better less alone"

I've started typing something at least seven or eight times now, only to decide the thoughts were dead ends that started out of boredom and led to more boredom. I'm sick of that. I'm sick of this consistent, unending writers block.

I'd love to feel genuine again, and i would love to remember what it feels like to write something beautiful.

In other corners of my life, memos to people who will never read any of this:
i miss you.
i have a huge crush on you.
i still have no respect for you. regardless, i still do love you. and i miss who you were to me.
please grow up to be as wonderful as you've been in your first few years of life. i love the three of you more than you'll ever know.
i am so glad you're in my life.



i watched the live webcast of heavy and light; the occasional reminder of how much i really do love the people who have made me who i am, the people around me, the people far away, is often delivered when it's long overdue. here's something that was said that night that i really loved:


"The show begins with words, because words are powerful. There will also be a lot of music, because music suggests it’s okay to be honest and because music reminds us that we’re alive. We’re glad that you’re alive and we’re glad that you’re in this room. Tonight has never happened before. This is not a benefit show. This is not ‘come on out for a good cause.’ This is an attempt to move you. Our desire is to invite you into a conversation that will continue long after the show is over. Consider the following: Your story is important. Your life matters. You are not the only who one hurts. You are not the only one with questions. You are not the only one who dreams. You are not alone. Every person in the room, every person who stands on that stage: We are all people in need. People need other people. We probably don’t have to convince you that pain is real. But in the face of that, we want you to know that hope is real and help is real. Welcome to Heavy and Light."

I know that you know that I know what I want :)

it's honestly depressing how much this song consumes my entire existence. i could have written this. i could have said and meant every word.
the thing is, the end of the song amounts to something.
i'm too much of a wuss to actually try to do anything more than bat my eyelashes and giggle more than necessary.
it's a shame, it's a bummer. it's the damn story of my life.

all I know is I'm not quite ready to let
go of this past year, I have so much
to show.. all I need is a sign from you,
that you think of me. If you don't, then
please just say so cause all I do, is
think of you.

Le bonheur ancré dans mon âme...

so i carry this lame little pink notebook thing around with me nearly everywhere i go; i keep it with me all the time because i feel like the times i have the most significant ideas and incredible thoughts are also the times when i have no source of documentation. Enter the lame pink book.
The other day i wrote something in it that i kind of like, here's some bits and pieces from it:

"I hope that you can see in me what so few people do... The point I'm trying to get across is that i think we would be good together... On any occasion and at any rate, I think that you should know that you're pretty great."


the rhyming was unintentional and i realize that it probably makes the entire thing about seven times cheesier than it already was.
but i kind of like this. in a weird way.

i was on your porch last night.

so sometimes i think it's necessary to stop and just dwell in the moment of realization that life is beautiful.
and maybe that sounds a little stupid and idealistic and ignorant.
but i'm also fully aware and completely positive that sometimes, it's exactly what i need, exactly what reinvents my faith in today and the possibility of tomorrow.

my life lately has consisted of sleeping, death cab for cutie, swimming, sufjan stevens, and christmas shopping.
i've been loving every minute of it.

i've also come to the realization that i'm commitment-phobic, prude, and probably will be alone for the rest of my life.

maybe something will work out in my favor.
otherwise, i'm looking forward to getting a new yellow laptop. and going out to breakfast with my brother this week.
what a life.

but, still call me baby

i'm beyond excited for thanksgiving. that's really all i wanted to say. i love thanksgiving.


:]


oh, and my big brother conquered Iraq.

you'll learn to hate me

i always reach a point where i don't exactly identify with a song quite as much as i did at the time when i first heard it. i don't think that necessarily means that it's any less relevant to my life, i just think it means that i go through phases.

this one though, it's different. i can hide in this song. i'm sung to sleep by it. it makes me feel safe.

without me you've got it all.

i really think it's part of who i am. it's what is in me, combined with my upbringing. i think that's the reasoning behind my sincere adoration for an honest voice accompanied by an acoustic guitar.
it's probably my biggest weakness, and also one of my favorite things in the world. hands down.

rob pattinson's "never think" has invoked these emotions stronger than i've ever felt before. there's something about this song, how it can give me a feeling of intense calm. how i'm swayed by each word that he casually mumbles. it's safe to say that i don't feel this way about a song very often, and for that reason alone, you should listen to it. now.

do you ever think, when you're all alone?

i need a reason to keep moving. to keep going. to continue putting one foot in front of the other.
i feel like i've been filling myself with hopeful promises that tomorrow will be better. that some day, some day soon, things will work out. things will be okay. and every day i am let down. i go to sleep every night hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. and my relentless hoping, my consistent idealizing has not paid off. i feel like it won't. i want it to, so badly. i want so badly to be happy. i want to love and be loved and to feel like i belong somewhere and with someone. i want to understand what it's like to honestly call someone home.
and i feel like, each day, the thought that maybe things could get better is getting smaller. i'm learning that not all ideals become realities and each day i'm learning to expect less from life. i hate that i feel this, i hate that i'm saying this.

is anybody out there?

i unfortunately believe whole-heartedly that one can reach a point where unhappiness is normal for her. where day in and day out, disappointment spits in her face ruthlessly. i know that there is a point where one can become so adjusted to feeling that way that she doesn't even realize there's anything better.
she doesn't even know she's unhappy anymore.
and although that is terrible on so many levels, it becomes serene. it becomes safe. feeling this way, it's okay. when disappointment isn't anything new, she doesn't even feel disappointed anymore.

but this master plan, of staying busy and finding distractions in order to temporarily forget about the loneliness that she feels, this band-aid being placed on a gaping wound, it only lasts so long. distractions will subside. business will become normal and boredom will surface. the wound, it will bust open, and it will be worse this time. it will be infected with people who were better off without you in the first place, with people who never saw you as worth anything in the first place. with the people who never really cared and even more painful, the people who pretended to care. the lack of sincerity will sting. the pain will be brutal.

i know that i don't deserve anything decent. i'm a flawed human being and it's absolute blasphemy for me to honestly believe that i deserve anything that could make me happy.
but that doesn't mean i still don't want it. that doesn't mean that after a part time job and YPS and LLC and tennis and swimming and college courses, that i can completely forget that i'm unhappy with everything about my life.
sure there are good days. but there are also bad ones. terrible ones.

i'm just so afraid, and it seems like nobody understands.
it seems like nobody cares to understand,
i feel so alone.

twilight has taken over my life.

so i really should be doing this spanish report- it's due in about 12 hours. but i honestly don't understand how it's even possible for me to concentrate on anything but new moon. seeing as how i'm 363 pages into it and had to force my eyes away from it to just get these few steps closer to actually doing my work.

i know it's so lame of me, but my goodness, anyone who has read these books knows exactly what i'm talking about.
it's absolutely killing me that bella is in so much danger and edward isn't there. even though i feel like her "hallucinations" might be real, and that he's actually always with her somehow that i can't figure out. i mean, i know she's safe because jacob is all big and bad now, and of course she's going to be alright because there's two more books after this one. but i still just want edward to be with her. i feel safer that way. hahahaha. i swear, i didn't a book could have so much power over my every thought. ughhhhhhhhh.

No One Belongs Here More Than You, by Miranda July

"If you are sad, ask yourself why you are sad. Then pick up the phone and call someone and tell him or her the answer to the question. If you don't know anyone, call the operator and tell him or her. Most people don't know that the operator has to listen, it is a law. Also, the postman is not allowed to go inside your house, but you can talk to him on public property for up to four minutes or until he wants to go, whichever comes first."


i love the painful honesty of this book.
and also, i've realized that i made myself lonely.
undoing that isn't exactly as easy as doing it was.

patron saint, are we all lost like you?

i can't wait to get my braces off.

i often find myself fantasizing about meeting the most perfect guy ever while on one of my endeavors to find a good novel while at borders or barnes and noble (preferably borders)...

i really am terribly, disgustingly lame.

on the other hand, i'm mildly content with that.

i'm going to sleep.


listen to "fin" by anberlin, please.
do it for me.
you will love it.

so get up and go.

i've realized that i really am alone.
i know i'm actually not,
but i am. i really really am right now.
i feel like so many people have walked out. i feel like i've walked out. i feel like i'll never know what it's like to be in love.


i saw nick and norah's infinite playlist last night.
it was such an amazing movie. really beautiful.
it gave me hope that there's someone for everyone.

...brings us closer to the God who's never been short on cash

There's more to life than what we see. than nice cars and houses. than cash.

it honestly pains me to see that some people don't understand that.

a friend who i seem to disagree on everything with said this to me:
"People are evil, they will do anything to get ahead in life, if you like it or not it doesn't matter. Sorry if its hard to accept, but its what happens."


that is why the world is the way it is today. we can't just shrug everything off. if we can't see more in ourselves, then nothing will ever change. maybe that is what happens, but that's all the more motivation to better ourselves. i honestly believe that we, as humans, are genuinely good at heart. we have a conscience and we have good intentions, but we let all the crappy things that happen to us cause us to believe that things really can't get better. they can, and they will.

well, the universe is a pretty big place.

i've found lately that a lot of my thoughts, and a handful of the things i say start with the words "i find beauty in.."

and i never realized how beautiful that is. in my struggles with pride and lust and self doubt, i still successfully find beauty in everything.

it's because there is. i honestly believe people are good at heart, and i'm not asking anyone to prove me wrong. i believe we have a conscience, i believe we know right from wrong. i believe that i'm not alone- in spite of the fact that most of the time i feel alone, i know i'm not. i believe that no one is alone, i believe that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel, and i believe that regardless of how far down you've fallen, there's always nowhere to go but up.

i've watched a fantastic movie a few times over the past week. it's called 'charlie bartlett.' of course there's the obvious themes of defining authority and doing stupid things in high school. but at the root of it all, past the prescription drug abuse and mild violence and acts of stupidity- there's something beautiful in it all. there's a message of hope, that we're never alone and that we're all more alike than we thought. we may have depressed and medicated mothers, or alcoholic fathers, we may have slept with half the guys on the football team or feel like we're all alone in the world for some other reason. but we're all people and we're all in this together.

all of my regrets are nothing new.

last night, i felt alive. i mean, for a few split seconds i felt every aspect of my existence and i realized how intertwined everything is with one another. i felt my flaws and i found beauty in them. "i could use a fresh beginning, too.. all of my regrets are nothing new" resonates through my mind today still, and i have a feeling that those words will haunt me for weeks to come.
they were moments that, even when i was living them, i knew that i would be incapable of reliving them. they were impossible to recreate. I finally saw myself. I saw my disgusting flaws, i saw the mess i've made of my life lately, and i saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I know i'll never see those exact glimpses of reality ever again, but the fact that i lived them is more than i could have asked for. i know that a music concert may seem an insignificant, even a feeble attempt at reaching someone, but i am living and breathing proof that music is powerful. that there is a connection between the stage and the crowd. those guys, they change me every time they sing, every time they pick up a guitar or a bass or some drumsticks. It was then that i saw how staggeringly complex yet terrifyingly simple my very being actually is, and i was okay with it. It felt like moving was asking too much of me but staying where i was in life was suddenly unbearable, it felt like it was demanded that i step outside of my comfort zone, that lately hasn't been very comfortable at all. it's been suffocating and i'm free from it. i'm free. suddenly, everything is new. I finally saw last night that existing is no longer enough. not only do i want to do more than exist, i know that i'm meant to. My existence has so much purpose and i hate that i've lost sight of that. i need to live. not just exist, not just be, i need to live. Finally, someone punched me in the gut and told me to just open my eyes- he dared me to move.

It was the sixth time i saw switchfoot last night, and i was reminded that my being is dedicated to a living God who has a plan specifically for me. i remembered the power of music, i remembered the power of love, and i saw for myself that the line between the crowd and the stage is being diminished by a few guys who just so happen to have changed my life. jon told us, the crowd last night that he was thankful for us, and that we've given each of them more than they were capable of giving us.

i disagree.


matt nathanson starts off one of his songs singing "I'm wide awake and so alive"
i couldn't agree more.

she's a good girl, loves her mama.

the girl i played my tennis match against today was wearing an invisible children bracelet :]

it was a reminder of how small this world really is.



tennis season, by the way, has been going swell. i'm currently 4-0 and although my varsity coach still doesn't think i'm good enough to play a real live varsity match, i know that i'm working as hard as i can, and i know that i've gotten so much better since last year. that's all that matters to me- i love the game and i am really blessed to be able to play it as often as i do.


sometimes i feel like the things i write in here are vague updates on life, letters to my father. i really do hope that you read this. i'll feel utterly moronic if you've never even been to this site, but oh well.

lake erie started today, i felt out of place but i loved it.

enough said.

I believe in your strength
Though I understand you've felt alone
'Cause when you need a friend
There's no one strong to fall back on
And your past will still burden you
But I'll hold you through the pain
So in the end it's not just you
With your memories and your scars
Fall on me if you ever forget
How beautiful you are
I believe in your words and your eyes
And when you speak of your dreams I realize
That I will envy whoever you
Give your heart to
And I will never let you fade away
And I want you to know that I love you
For all you are
And all that you will be



so i've been reading that 'Twlight' book, i can hardly put it down honestly.
i'm kind of wishing i could fall in love with a vampire.

and the hardest part is letting go.

speechless. it's love, enough said.
i know it's just a cover, but my goodness i would die to have a boy sing to me like this.




"i know i'm good for something, i just haven't found it yet."
"...but compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright."
"i can live without you but without you i'll be miserable at best."




my life consists of tennis, work, getting ready for school, work, tennis, sleeping, tennis, watching the olympics, tennis.


kyle leaves back for iraq tuesday.

and if i die right now, you'd never be the same.

just be here now, against me.
you know the words, so sing along for me baby.


:]



life is good.

"even our heroes ache with problems of pain."

i have nothing of importance to say right now, but jamie does.


"There's no genius ending to this writing, just the simple thing that we keep coming back to:
We weren't meant to be alone.
We need other people.
We need a friend.
We need a gang.
We need a family.
Hope is real.
Help is real.
Hope is real.
Help is real.
...life can be good. i am fighting to believe this in my own life. i have a long way to go but i'm learning that it's worth fighting for. Peace to you from across the miles.
jamie"





he said it perfectly.

"i want to fall in love with you"

I understand what Jon Foreman means when he sings "I don't belong here," but i think i can safely argue that feeling like you belong somewhere has absolutely nothing to do with location, but rather, it deals with whom you belong with. i've been learning a lot lately who i belong around. who i can be myself around.

this summer, it has been great.


i turn 17 in a few days. i'm not quite ready to grow up...




update on life. i just got back from a week in north carolina with my cousin's boyfriend's family. it was an absolute blast. i'm currently sitting at the computer in my aunt's house in virginia. i fly home tuesday, and my brother is home from iraq for two weeks.


you heard me, i said it. excitement, nope, can't be contained.

I Would Die For You.

http://prayforbj.blogspot.com/



Reading the blogs from right when BJ died... i cried.
What an incredible story- how great is our God!


Book to read- "I Would Die For You."

i've been waiting, i've been waiting for this moment all my life.

it's been crazy and i've been loving it.
junior week was incredible, i never expected to come home as changed as i have. things are great, life is great.
i bought a new devotional book called "community," it's a study of the New Testament and the early Christian Church.
and, i'm planning on getting a novel of some sort to read while i'm at the beach in NORTH CAROLINA next week!!!!

i really really really love the summertime.

songs bouncing around my head a lot lately:
"lost"-coldplay
"lazy eye"-silversun pickups


i went to the beach today with rachel, sam, caitlin, amanda, jason, and brian.
it's safe to say that i have awesome friends. and i love bw3's

hope life is treating everyone well.

que será será

i've been on a 'house' kick lately. i rented the entire season three on dvd from the library and have become mildly obsessed with it. i like the humor and the fact that every single word they says goes completely over my head.
last night i watched an episode about a 650 pound man, it was called "que será será"- spanish for "what will be, will be"
i honestly have yet to actually make a connection between the title and what the episode was about, but i really really love that phrase. it's relevance to the show doesn't do a whole lot for me, but its relevance to the way i look at my life is huge. i think i'm starting to realize a lot of little things that are teaching me more than i know. i've been learning to accept certain situations as fact, and i've also been learning when to argue- when to disagree and when to stand up for that which i believe. knowing when to fight is winning half the battle, i think.
if that makes any sense at all.

anyways, my summer's going great. i kind of would like to just sit at home for the night, but look at that, i actually have plans. hope everyone who manages to allow their eyes to cross this page every now and then is enjoying their summer as well. :]

i'm yoursss.

jon foreman's new summer EP
it's stupendous, you should listen to it.

i love the fact that it's summer and that the only thing hanging over my head is the fact that i'm a lazy piece of crap and won't manage to finish my online health work.

junior week is coming up, and i'm SO excited :]

a mirror is so much harder to hold.

i really would like this book.

you will catch me when i fall.

hello alllllll.
it's summer, junior week is in 4 weeks, and i love my life a lot.
my ipod has recently passed away which is slightly upsetting but i supposeee things will work out.
27 dresses makes me want to get married.
i get to play tennis tomorrow.
oh, and i love my life. a whole lot.


i think that you all should start listening to the relevant podcast, because i love it.
and also, i'm insanely excited for the new coldplay cd.

his head was a city of paper buildings.

Goals For Summer 2008
1. Read at least 5 books:
-Searching For God Knows What-Don Miller
-Flashbang-Mark Steele
-Pride and Prejudice-Jane Austen
-The Kite Runner-Khaled Hosseini
-
2. Get my overhead smash and serve right, improve my volleys
3. 200 service hours
4. Take at least 3 rolls of b&w 35 mm film
5. Write a short story
6. Run at least 3 times a week
7. Go to the zoo
8. Go to an Indians game
9. Get a job
10. Read the entire New Testament
11. Do something adventurous and out of the ordinary
12. Meet new people
13. Manage my time better
14. Talk to the TWLOHA people at warped tour
15. Save money for Honduras


Sitting in English class, procrastinating from working on my english final (hence goal #13) and i really just don't want to do it haha. Um, yeah. HOBY was awesome- any upcoming sophomores need to be their schools' HOBY ambassador next year, because it's incredible. and you meet cool people.
leadership lake county orientation was yesterday, i'm really excited for the upcoming year :]
my youth philanthropy and service committee at case is in two days- safe to say, i'm crazy nervous. but i'm also really excited for that program, especially since it's two years long. and i'll get to meet awesome people :]
i go to the men's homeless shelter at 2100 lakeside tomorrow to serve lunch and work with the residents in their garden- i'm so excited.
OH! and i got into junior week, so i'll be a counselor for that this summer.

BASICALLY. I'm so glad i decided to apply for all of these things early this spring. It's good to know that a lot of my hard work is paying off, and i'm really excited to meet all of these new people, and be part of all of these great things. basically, i'm going to NEED to learn how to manage my time better, but it's all going to be SO worth it :]
i've been really optimistic about things lately. i mean, i definitely can't say that things are going the way i wish they were. it's hard knowing that my father has a new daughter who he cares about more than me. it's a low blow. and it's frustrating feeling like my parents favor my stepsister. but i really really love my life right now, and i'm so insanely blessed. it always feels like the start of something good. beginnings are really great, yeah.
i think i'm going to try to write something that matters soon. something that counts, that someone cares about. i'll get back to you all on that one.

everyone should listen to the new death cab for cutie cd. it will blow your mind.

none of it's true, i never knew you.

i just want for you to know that you have hurt me. even though things have been hard since everything happened, i'm doing okay now. i'm actually doing great.
i've gotten used to you not being here, i've adjusted to a lot of things that i realized couldn't and wouldn't change. it's true that i miss who you were to me, but you've made it clear that you are no longer that person. i wonder a lot if you ever even were.
the reason i'm telling you this, the reason that i think you should know all of this, is because today was a reminder that you're not here because you don't care. i understand that you have a new life, and your wife may not even know i exist. i never would have thought that things would turn out this way, but i'm glad that they did. i'm moving forward, and i'm going to be okay.

everything's going to be alright.

this is home.

please come home.. i mean it.
things are so hard without you around.
i'm not doing good, even though i pretend i am.
i just want you to come home.
i miss you.

the fear you won't fall.

Digging a hole and the walls are caving in. Behind me, air's getting thin but I'm trying.
I'm breathing in, come find me. It hasn't felt like this before, it hasn't felt like home before you.
And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way.
And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could. Can't get my mind off of you.
I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it, That's part of it all.
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won't fall

joshua radin.





the more people i'm surrounded by, the more i learn what it is that i long for. what it is that i don't have, and i think there's beauty in that. i can't wait to be with the person who is home. i can't wait to be home to someone. i think excessive hours of playing joshua radin cd's have fed these thoughts.

i'm really confused about things.

and as our eyes start to close.

so i did this as a myspace survey, but umm, i'm quite proud of it.
these are songs that you should know, and love, and when you hear them you can think of me.
i would also like to say that i watched 'where the heart is' with natalie portman today, and it was incredible.
and also, i got to talk to my brother today, and i wish he would just come home. hearing his voice made me miss him even more, it reminded me that he's somewhere i'll never know or see. he's somewhere far away, and he's not safe over there. and i just want so bad to know that he's okay.

My Life:​​ The Sound​track​
Openi​ng Credi​ts:​​:​​ girl-beck/for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti-sufjan stevens
Avera​ge Day:​​:​​ flourescent adolescent-the arctic monkeys
Spend​ing time with frien​ds:​​:​​ nothing to you[remix]-two gallants
Drivi​ng:​​:​​ boy with a coin-iron and wine
Bad day:​​:​ pressure suit-aqualung
Fight​ scene​:​​:​​ open water-thrice
Menta​l break​down:​​:​​ ​9 crimes-damien rice
Life is okay:​​: 15 step-radiohead
Gradu​ation​:​​:​​ the compromise-the format
Longi​ng for love:​​:​​ hello july-caleb jude green
First​ glanc​e/​​new crush​:​​:​​ acoustic #3-the goo goo dolls
Secre​t love:​​:​ brothers on a hotel bed-death cab for cutie
Nightclub scene:: diplo rhythm-diplo
First​ date:​​: ​dernière danse-kyo
First kiss:: after tonight-justin nozuka
Falli​ng in love:​​:​​ come pick me up-ryan adams
Happy in love scene​:​​:​​ #41-dave matthews band
Sex scene:: what if you-joshua radin
Break​ing up:: die alone-ingrid michaelson
Long night​ alone​:​​: ​​everything'll be alright (will's lullaby)-joshua radin
Wishi​ng for love to retur​n:​​:​​ i am still running-jon foreman
Fight​ing to get him/​​her back:​​: ​i still remember-bloc party
Propo​sal:​​:​ baptize my mind-jon foreman
Weddi​ng:​​: never knew-the rocket summer
Refle​cting​ on life:​​:​​ god of wine-third eye blind
Refle​cting​ on love:​​:​​ on your porch-the format
Death​ scene​:​​: needle and thread-sleeping at last
Funeral:: ​​let that be enough-switchfoot
Closi​ng credi​ts:​​:​​ people, turn around!-delta spirit/the electric version-the new pornographers

as we are standing on our feet

i'm really fickle about a lot of things. and i'm beginning to realize that i really have no clue what i want. and i'm thinking that i don't have as much of a problem with these realities than i probably should.

i'm hearing from lake erie college today or tomorrow.
nervous? yes. incredibly.

i'm sitting in spanish right now. and i'm tired. and citySERVE is tomorrow, so i have to wake up at like 5:30ish to get out of my house by 6:15ish tomorrow so i have time to go to starbucks and get a gigantic cup of coffee and be at the church by 7.

bahhhhh excitementtttt :] :]


and regardless of the facts that i have no clue what i want in my life, i really have never been more content.

i keep hearing from verizon about something financial service-y. so father, if you care enough to read this still, can you please help me out here?

and as a side note, i really want some black bean enchiladas, and i still wonder every day if my father has ever read this. and if his wife knows who i am.

i won't worry my life away.

lately, it just really seems like everything going on is just too good to be true.
which is strange, because i got in a fender bender that wasn't my fault and i'm failing online health.

really, things are absolutely great.
wonderful.

give me your right hand, i think i understand.

i think that i've been learning lately that there's a lot of beautiful things around me. perhaps it's just the fact that yet another ugly winter is finally coming to an end and things are getting greener, but i've really come to the realization that there is beauty all around me, in so many forms.

jon foreman said something once about how flawed and heretical it is to believe that the occupation of a minister is more 'christian' than the occupation of a janitor. the truth is that we're all meant to do something- some of us are meant to be ministers and some are meant to be janitors, and i really and truly believe that no matter what you're doing, if you're serving God by doing it than you're doing what your supposed to.

i take comfort in knowing that, because i want to serve God whole-heartedly, things in my life will work out the way they're supposed to.


i'm honestly just kind of talking on here for no reason, because i'm sitting in english and we're supposed to be working on our rough drafts but mine is saved on my computer at home.

but yes, i've definitely come to realize that seasons do affect who we are and how we act. this incredible weather and the new people i've met lately have definitely changed what's been an okay year to something incredible. things with my father are horrible at best, but i have so much to be thankful for to even think that i'm unlucky. i am without a doubt, incredibly and undeservingly blessed. and there's a lot that i think i'm going to be ready to do over the next few years.

basically, i thank God for making me who i am, and giving me the ability to have both contentment for the way things are for me. and discontent for the way things are in the world around me. i used to say this a lot, but i really really believe that i'm going to change the world. and i understand that these words are useless until i actually prove myself correct, so i suppose this is just where it all begins.

i love beginnings.


songs i can't stop playing:
after tonight-justin nozuka (just ask my stepsister...)
the dress looks nice on you-sufjan stevens

riiiiide on the peace train

the weather's getting nicer,
peace village was wonderful,
tennis starts soon,
and i love my life.

also, i think that people should stop copying my words from here and my myspace.
it's kind of lame, think for yourself... please.

'this is our suchness.'

"All that we have is who we really are, with nothing added"
-J. Todd Greene

i'll look after you.

30 some days until summer vacation, 3 days of hell until this grading period is over. 10 days until my lake erie college application is due, i need to find a job, and i'm going on about 3 hours of sleep. i fell asleep twice in school today, and took a nap after school. and i have done none of the homework that i need to do today, and i'm going to sleep now because i really don't want to deal with any of this.

i need. a vacation. i'm thinking i'd like to ship myself to virginia for a week in may.
yep. sounds good.

I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome.

today was good.
today, in fact, was really great.
i made fish tacos with my uncle. we watched movies and looked up conspiracy theories and listened to 70's music. we drank coffee and did perfect pushups, i drove his truck. he asked me permission to tell my future boyfriends that if they ever make me cry, nobody will find their body parts. and then told me that he didn't really even need my permission because he was going to do it anyways. and i know that's something a lot of teenage girls get told, it's the protective male type thing. but i don't know, it meant a lot. i really really love my uncle.

and today, today i realized something that has kind of surprised me. and though it may have to do with my absent father, it has nothing to do with anything i just said above here. nothing at all. and i know that's strange to say because i honestly don't believe in coincadences at all, but the fact that i'm saying that the above paragraph is totally and completely unrelated to what i'm about to say. you could consider this a disclaimer, but i don't know. that whole honesty thing finally ate away enough to tell me this.

i have, unknowingly and excusably, become a coward.
all this time, i've been thinking that i love, LOVE meeting new people. hearing different ideas, listening to new thoughts. and i have honestly been fooling myself. when i look at the past year, i can not think of one particular person who i have let in my life, who has actually stayed. i believe the reasoning for this is three-fold:

1. i have built up a wall, pulling myself away from the intimacy that i desire. I'm afraid of being close with someone who is new. and i don't even need for anyone to know what has happened in the past- i just need someone who is willing to let me in and let me feel needed. and i don't think that's the way it should be. or that it's the only way it should be. i've forgotten how to act around people.
2. i have walled myself in with my personal security blanket, aka a few people who i depend too much on. i have a few best friends and a few family members who understand more than anyone. sometimes i get frustrated with them, or i feel like they don't want much to do with me (and who's to blame?) but i really know that they'd do anything for me, and they know that i reciprocate. but, i haven't let anyone else inside the walls i built up. i suppose it seems that nobody has really tried, and it feels like if they're not putting forth the effort then they don't really need me as much as i would need them if it got to that level. that makes no sense. but in any case, i don't think the fact that i've walled myself into a very small room with several people who may not even want to be there isn't a good thing.
3. i have lost sight of what a relationship is. i know, everything alllllways goes back to my father. but it's a fact that a girl's first male influence in her life is her father. and i really believe that the way a father treats his daughter has a tremendous impact on how the daughter sees her self-worth. and i certainly understand that relationships are give and take, but it feels like i've been doing way more taking than giving. i feel like i have no clue what i really have to give. even in the smallest parts of conversation, i don't know what to say anymore and every thought feels unoriginal. i have begun to feel that all i am is a composition of other people's ideas and thoughts. if our personality is the only thing that can't ever be taken away from us, then what's mine? i don't see how people can be so sure of themselves, when i feel so lost.

i suppose that now that i've realized these few things, i can do something about them. i have no, no, no clue what. it seems like things are overdue for a change. i need to meet some new people and let the entire freaking globe know that i have a whole hell of a lot to offer.

back in february at tuscarora kathy babcock said "...it's time to let your guard down." and looking back at it, it seems kind of prophetic.


i'm sorry if i wasted your time with this.


the songs i can't stop playing:
the boxer-simon and garfunkel
peace train-cat stevens

put your arms around me.

i feel like i should write something, but nothing's coming to mind.

and btw, the service/leadership thing. sooo fun. :]


i've been strangely obsessed with the idea of honesty lately. not so much truthfulness, but more the willingness to show vulnerability. acceptance, confession.. the whole 'no holding anything back' type thing. i get so frustrated with myself sometimes- i feel like a walking contradiction most of the day. and i think that confronting these kinds of things is more reassuring than feeling like i belong somewhere.

it feels so much like i don't belong anywhere right now. and for some reason, i'm more content than i've ever been. and yet, i'm disgustingly discontented with so much. i don't know. i don't make much sense. oh well.

i don't want to think about anything right now.
and it's officially been over a year since my dad stopped talking to me. ohh, anniversaries.

you're asking me will my love grow?

well i was chosen to do this thing affiliated with key club called 'lake county leadership experience' with 5 other kids from my school, 6 from another school, and 6 from yet another. it starts tomorrow, and i'll be gone until tuesday night. it's kind of weird because i have no idea what to expect, at all. but I'm really praying that God's going to use me to do some great things :]

please don't take my sunshine away

so i've been going through my myspace blog and a constant word document "journal", and i find it extremely hard to believe that i thought i made no sense in some things i said. granted, some things are worded strangely. but good lord, i used to have really interesting things to say. without even knowing it. some of this is thoughtful, some selfish, some comical, but it's all honest. a lot of these things have never been read before... so congratulations on being the first at something.

anyways, these are some bits and pieces that i've said over the past 2 or so years that stuck out. that i'd like to not forget. that i'd like for you to read. chew these up.

"i won't write you a sonnet or any poem, for that matter. i'd like to write a short story, or maybe even a novel, but i'll leave that for a day when i feel organized. I won't write you a play or an essay or a verse.. all i can offer right now is several incoherent and chaotic paragraphs beginning with nothing and ammounting to ultimately, nothing. maybe in the spaces and the letters i can find something that teaches me more about who i can be, but for now, i'll just write because it's who i am."

"I'm slowly learning that i need to be more proactive. i'm such a lazy piece of junk sometimes. i know i'll have fun going out with people, but i opt out of it for watching tv on the couch. why? i have no freaking clue. it's easier. i convince myself nobody likes me when i know that's far from the truth. i swear, i'm a psychopath sometimes. i'm even starting to annoy myself. i'm too shy around people i dont know, and i'm too annoying around people i do. i avoid conversation.. i avoid people in general. i need to take the initiative rather than someone else. as stupid and simple as that sounds... god, i'm so stupid sometimes. i feel pressure to be someone interesting, i want to be someone interesting and funny and enjoyable to be around. maybe i try to hard. maybe i don't try hard enough. "

"I don't need your help, i don't even need an ear or a shoulder; i'm sick of being upset over my father's shortcomings.. i just need your prayers. My earthly father may not be all i wish he were, but my heavenly father certainly loves me... for this, i am grateful. i am blessed. "

"I went to my cousin’s wedding, I’ve come to realize that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life."

"I’m going to stop telling people things because it just makes me feel worse."

"The stars give me a dazzlingly refreshing feeling of insignificance, the candles on the birthday cake make me excited to devour lots of calories, and 11:11 reminds me that I should go to bed soon. I appreciate all three, but I don’t need to wish on them for great things to happen. I already know that Great things are getting ready to happen to me. "

"You know what I wish? I wish people would realize that there will always be someone better than them at something and there will always be someone worse than them at something. I wish people would stop elaborating on another’s shortcomings or assets and just look at them as a human, just as flawed as themselves. Sometimes I feel like a friend of mine is the type who enjoys feeling like she is the best, even if she isn’t. And I feel like because I’m more than willing to admit, even display my flaws, this person is more comfortable with holding themselves higher than me. That’s what I think. Maybe I’m wrong. Probably. But that’s how I feel, and a lot of things that I feel, are wrong."

"Over the past few weeks, I’ve been learning how much I need to take initiative. And let me tell you, I’ve been kicking some major initiative butt."

"I guess I write so much because I wonder what would happen if I died... I always wonder what people would think and say and do if I was suddenly gone. I want to be sure that they’ll really know who I am. I want people to read these things one day and think about me as if I actually knew what I was talking about. So, if you’re reading this and I’m dead, let me clarify: I am crazy. Insane. Passionate. Thanks for reading about me."




i got a kick out of some of those.

you know how they say that like, whenever something bad happens, the people who stick around are the people who really count?
it seems like no one has stuck around.
i'm thinking that i'd like to just get away from here.

...my brother is a loser

so my wonderful big brother posted a few pictures on his facebook.
they were prettty much the same ones he put on his myspace, but reading the captions really made me realize how much i miss his dorky sense of humor and how much i wish he were here. i don't even know why i'm documenting these thoughts, because they're kind of pointless and who really wants to read them? but i dunno, his album title is "The Raq" ...it's honestly past midnight right now, everyone in my house is sleeping but me, and when i read that i laughed so hard. he's such a loser. i just want him to come homee. so bad.

otherwise, there's nothing exciting going on. at all. except gnocchi from this one restaurant in little italy is ohh soooo delicious.

mmmm.

i'm a youtube addict.
and also, i have a really big crush on john cooper.

oh, oh, be my baby.

"be my baby,
i'll look after you."
i think that's something i've always wanted to hear someone say, and mean it.
there's something about a song with such an intense amount of honesty- jon foreman's songs seem to fall under that category, as well as this one. it really makes me happy.


just listen..

i can't make it on my own.

a few days ago i received some advice worth sharing.
a few good friends of mine told me that the best thing i can do for myself is do what makes me smile.
simple. but i think i lost sight of that for awhile.

my time here is short.. and i'm beginning to realize that i need to do what's best for me. and if it really is what's best for me, it's what's best for everyone around me. i'm not concerned about some sort of legacy- but if i'm remembered for anything, i want to be thought of as a girl who lived her life for christ, loved the life she lived, and showed compassion and love to everyone.

"...do what makes you smile, taylor. do what makes you laugh."


on another note, 'ohio is for lovers' by hawthorne heights is a really good song to revisit every few months or so. hearing casey's voice is almost haunting...

invade my heart, this broken town.

here, my dear,
this is where we'll shake the nightmares free.
i dream to hold you in my arms.
wide awake, in my arms.
i think i figured it out:
we need to be together.
like the shore and the sea.
we are not one thing,
we are bound here together.
my ocean and me...
love, we sleep apart for the last time.

--in my arms, jon foreman.




i think the reason that i love his EP's so much is because they show strength in vulnerability. there's so much passion behind every word he sings and every note he plays, and when i listen to his songs i feel like i was meant to hear them. each word is so personal, and not only to him but to me and anyone else who really listens to what he's saying. these songs are intimate and romantic, defenseless but in no way weak. i've learned so much about myself in listening to jon foreman sing to me.

wait, wait, wait.

i think that there's a part of all of us that begs for normalcy.

is refusing to accept an idea, a person, a lifestyle, or a thought demonstrating weakness or strength?

is it possible to be lonely? or is the sense of loneliness we've all felt just an intentional or unintentional disregard for everything around you?

don't give up just yet, don't tell me what's coming. i just want to see for myself.

shaky hands and blurry facts.

i think that there are a lot of things that are meant to be heard, but are silenced. i've been learning lately that we all hold back a lot, and maybe that's not the best thing. of course we all know, for the most part, when we shouldn't say something. but lately it's been made apparent that i rarely know when i should say something. i think that makes sense.

in any case, i think that people should talk more. i think that the big conversations are more important than previously thought. and i think the notions i had going into these past few weeks has caused me to not take things as they come. i dislike anticipation.

there's a definite love i feel in me that nobody seems to understand, and i think that one of the best things you can do for yourself is to put life on hold and just sit in the dark for a few minutes. everything becomes a lot more real when you realize that the important things are the ones your eyes can't tell you about.

i think that i hold back too much, and that's my fault.


on a completely different note, this picture made me ecstatic:

my brother is on the right. it looks so strange there- iraq. it's so strange to see pictures of him there.
his first day of leave is my 17th birthday :]
without a doubt, the best birthday present ever.

she's not checking out any time soon.

untitled #2

A recurring theme in her life is one of disappointment. It is as if she always has everything planned just so her plans can be crushed at the last minute. She isn’t surprised when life throws her curves, because it means things are business as usual. She isn’t surprised when her day is full of frustration and letdowns. She isn’t surprised when he hits her, and tells her she’s worthless. She isn’t surprised when he actually leaves for good.
The day is no different than any Tuesday or Sunday or October 17th. They’re all the same. She wakes up, sits up, and goes back to sleep. Several hours later, she again wakes up, but with a goal in mind. Even when she has no reason to, she leaves her bedroom and makes something of her day. Even on the days when there is nothing to do but give up, she understands that living is her only option. She isn’t checking out any time soon.
She looks through the empty cupboards, and discovers nothing at all. She looks in her wallet and there also, is nothing. Nothing but a library card and a small rectangular fortune from a cookie at a Chinese restaurant he took her to years ago. When things were okay. Now, everything is different.
The fortune reads- “You will be gladly surprised by someone you love”.
She keeps it there until it comes true. It’s been years from the day she received it, but she hasn’t lost hope.
She gives up on finding food- hunger pangs haven’t even kicked in yet. She’ll find some later. She goes upstairs to get dressed and opens the third drawer to look for a decent shirt.
Something, something is not right.
Half of the clothing is there. Everything of hers is.
Everything of his is not.

Something is not right.

She looks out the window. The parking space his beat up ‘95 neon is always in- empty.
She looks at the front door. His beat up boots -he’s had those for years- gone.

And all at once, everything makes sense. everything comes together.
Agony flees her eyes in the form of salty tears. She can’t stand. The doorway, it catches her. Her face finds the floor. She can’t breathe. He can’t be gone. She can’t see, too many tears. All she can feel is the taste of salt on her lips. He can’t be gone. Her hair is in her face, her stomach is in knots.

He is gone. He left the door unlocked. He is gone. Gone. He left.

Stop.
Her legs find the strength to hold her body up. Her feet comfortably find the floor, and her balance is regained. Her eyes are red and her cheeks have been rained on, but she is strong in heart and mind and soul.

It’s a new day, and she’s not checking out anytime soon.

let my shadows prove the sunshine

“It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things.”
-don miller


i find it ironic that my father was the one who taught me to believe in philanthropy, but never love. he gave me the books and the magazines and told me about the people who were changing the world. he believed i would do great things, but i never would have guessed that he wouldn't be a part of them. what he's done makes him a permanent part of who i've become, but he will never be present in any other way. whatever i do will have a piece of him in it, but i'm sure it's not the way he would have wanted it to be. it's amazing that my shortcomings have been defined by who my father was to me and what he did to make things that way.

it's ironic that the only organization he didn't think was incredible is the one that changed my life. that when i told him about renee's story, he became uncomfortable. and now, 2 years after that, he no longer speaks with me. i have not seen my father in 384 days, and i learned yesterday that he got married again.

i've learned that things change, and people change, but i never thought that this is who i would become. it feels strange- to be saying that i'm thankful for receiving those awful emails and that one voicemail from him. i owe my father a lot, because if he hadn't hurt me so much, i never would have gotten the opportunity to get back up on my feet again. i suppose that don miller is right, the simple things that you never look for are the ones that change your life. i never would imagine that i'd come to the point where i was thankful for everything my father never was, but here it is and here i am. and if you ever read this, i just want you to know that you're loved and i miss who you were to me, but nothing more.

i hate saying this, but i'm better off without you.

there's something about this that makes me really happy.

wake up, you're alive.
we're on your side.

..all i know is that you have to be there

so i just finished making the playlist on my itunes for a mix cd i'm making for a friend. "songs that don't suck." is the title.
i felt compelled to share.
by all means, listen to every single song. And i mean it. In order, without interruption, listen to all of 'em.

Songs That Don't Suck.
1. Friendly Fire/This Holiday Life/The Beginning of the End of the World
2. So Contagious/Acceptance/Phantoms
3. Come Pick Me Up/Ryan Adams/Heartbreaker
4. I Am Still Running/Jon Foreman/Winter-EP
5. The Fallout/This Holiday Life/The Fallout
6. The Unwinding Cable Car/Anberlin/Cities
7. Motions/This Holiday Life/Friction
8. 3 Libras/A Perfect Circle/Mer De Noms
9. With Regards to Summer/This Holiday Life/Transient
10. Kreuzberg/Bloc Party/A Weekend In the City
11. Feel It In the Air/Band Marino/The Sea & The Beast
12. Open Water/Thrice/The Alchemy Index:Vol. 1&2: Fire&Water
13. 405(Live)/Death Cab For Cutie/The John Byrd EP
14. Don't Take My Sunshine Away/Sparklehorse/Dreamt for Light Years In the Belly of a Mountain
15. 8am Departure/The Perishers/Victorious
16. Sleeping With the Lights On/Teitur/Poetry&Aeroplanes
17. Angeles/Elliott Smith/Either/Or
18. The Blower's Daughter/Damien Rice/O
19. Amy's Song/Joshua Radin/We Were Here
20. Learning How to Die/Jon Foreman/Winter-EP


After having read through this, you may notice an excessive amount of songs by a band called "This Holiday Life." My Reasoning for this repetition: 1) I finally got to see them tuesday night. 2)Both of their CD's and both of their EP's contain incredible music, so i chose to throw in my favorite song from each of the 4. 3) they're awesome.
There are also multiple Jon Foreman songs, but if you know me at all then you know why.

in other news, i'm seeing yellowcard and the spill canvas tomorrow night, and i'm quite ecstatic. it's a good week for live music.

everyone's under friendly fire

so i'm writing this more for my own sake, so that i don't forget anything amazing about tonight :]

this year hasn't really started off too great, i suppose. and lately i've been honestly realizing that no, my brother will not be home from iraq for a while. i spent so much time pushing that reality to the back of my mind that when it finally worked itself back up and refused to leave until it was handled, i started reaching a different level of understanding about things. and a level i'm not fond of. i started feeling pessimistic and i really went to a place that i wish i never go to again.

and then tonight happened, and there wasn't much to it at all, but it knocked some sense into me and reminded me why it is that i love my life so much. 4 guys in a barn playing some live music, that's all it took. one of my favorite bands finally made their way to ohio, and i was fortunate enough to go see them, with lauraa. we came so close to not going, and good lord, i couldn't imagine not going, after having gone. haha. i don't know if it's the fact that i've been waiting for 3 years to hang out with these guys, or that they were some of the nicest people i've ever met in my entire life.

it was a small show, no more than 25 or 30 people there. and afterwards, laura and i got to talk to them and i got to tell them how i'd been waiting to see them live for 3 years. and they played my favorite song for me. and everything was just unreal and incredible, and i love my life.

so yeah, this holiday life, really awesome guys. insanely nice, incredibly talented, and i love them a whole lot :]

take you away, from that empty apartment.

i'm extending my apologies for making this blog-type-thing more of a messy bulletin board of random pointless songs and youtube videos, but i mean, this just can't not be posted.
i'm seeing them in 6 days :]


still waiting for an epiphany of brilliancy. until then, i'll just encourage you to read "the perks of being a wallflower" by stephen chbosky, and "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" by dave eggers. and while we're on the subject of book recommendations, "blue like jazz" by don miller is a book you must read at some point of time in your lifetime. and this spring sometime, "the orphaned anything" by stephen christian (the lead singer of anberlin) is releasing.

if you have the burning desire to discuss any of these books, hmm, give me a time and a place and let's have some coffee.


i'm going to finish my leadership lake county application now, sorry for wasting your time.

if i let it go, i want to know. something's about to change.

i feel like i haven't written something that meant something in a while.

i'll get back to you on that.

seasons are changing, waves are crashing.

that video is from heavy and light, which, for those of you who don't know, was a show put on by to write love on her arms shortly after casey calvert's death.
and yes, of course, you know this song. but i think reading the lyrics makes it more real..

i think that this song is a strange combination of things i wish i had the guts to tell someone in particular, things i wish someone in particular were here for me to tell them to, and things i wish someone who i don't yet know would say to me. and i think that it's beautiful, and honest, and true. i think that it resolves in a way that i didn't think was possible. it ends with contentment, which i think says a lot about how things have been playing out lately.

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

Cause you're my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
And I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

i've got sunshine, on a cloudy day.

i really love my life right now.

i'm skipping most of my homework tonight. i'm listening to good music. this holiday life is coming to ohio next week, and i'm finding a way to see them..

i really think God knocked some sense into me and let me know how insanely blessed i am. i am so insanely happy right now, and i have no clue why.

:]

10 things/aaron gillespie

occupying my mind lately:

1. college. okay, it's a long way away. but it's crazy that it's as soon as it is. and it's crazy that so many of my friends are going away to completely different stages of their lives next year. i won't feel left behind, but it'll be weird to adjust to.

2. spain. you know what would be cool? if, in 6 or so years i just picked up and went there. you know, with like only things that would fit in a backpack and a one-way ticket? i really daydream about being adventurous and spontaneous. too much.

3. where i'm supposed to be. physically, mentally, spiritually- is this where i'm supposed to be in life? how do i know?

4. being a follower of christ vs. being a christian. well yes, in my mind, they kind of are the same thing. except being a follower of christ doesn't come with the baggage and stereotypes that the word "christian" has.

5. wedding crashers. i really love that movie. it's hilarious.

6. if i'll ever be able to do the things i want to. if i'll ever meet the people i need to. if i'll ever meet a guy who sees something in me.

7. if my dad really has something wrong with him, mentally. lately i've really missed having a father figure around. i think it's because i don't get to see my brother and i really don't feel like i know my stepfather that well, that emptiness is being made more evident- that sounds cheesy. but it's true. just thinking about the way things were 4 or 5 years ago, and the way they are now. so much has changed, and i really wish there was a male figure in my life who would stick around long enough to mean something.

8. my brother. i miss him so much. there aren't words. i want him around so bad, and it kills me that there's nothing i can do to make him come home. i have faith that he will be home, and soon, but i just need a hug every once in a while. he's my favorite person in the entire world.

9.if i'm too much of an idealist. if i believe i can do more than i'm capable of. maybe i'm just fooling myself.

10. something aaron gillespie said. it's been echoing in my head ever since i heard him say it in a twloha video:

wake up in the morning and give yourself
a shot. do it. not for music, not for any
reason other than the fact that you're
alive. you've been given the grace to
wake up another day. just do it. just go
out there and give it a freaking try.


stick that one in your noggin, chew it.

withyouwithyouwit...

i'm ashamed of myself for liking this song.

but i really do.

yeah, well that's life.

it's kind of frustrating that i want a job so i can have a car, and so i can go to tennis camp. and having a car means i don't have to ride the stupid bus and that i can go to church when i want. but my not having a car keeps me from having a job, because how else am i going to get there, when my darling mother hates driving me anywhere?

i wish someone would just throw me a freaking bone.

i don't have self pity, i just care too much.

i've consumed roughly 6-8 "peanut butter patties" in the past few hours.
why in the world would girl scouts change the name from "tag-a-longs" to "peanut butter patties"? that's ridiculous.
you could call me an emotional eater, but i flat out do and do not want to talk about what's happened in the past two days. however, i know nobody wants to hear either way. enter the tag-a-longs. eff it, i'm still calling them tag-a-longs.

do you ever wonder if we're watching the same thing, so far away?

it's been exactly one year since i last saw my father.

i think i don't like today for a lot of reasons:

1. i've allowed my entire day to be ruined because it's been 365 days since i saw the face of a man who i don't even know anymore.
2. i've been forced to look back and see how much has happened in one year, and realize that i don't regret things that i probably should.
3. he probably doesn't even remember the last time he saw me, so this day probably was nothing more than a normal day to him.
4. february 25 will forever be branded in my mind as the most recent time i saw my dad, and it will always be ruined for that. even if i see him again, this day will still signify the last time i tried pleasing people who asked unreasonable things of me.

you're like an unwinding cable car.

questions posed to me by a few great men that play in a band....

i don't know why, but these kind of remind me of my father. in the sense that if i would have known about this music video 2 or even 3 years ago, i probably would have shown him it. i can see him repeating the questions slowly, commenting on their depth and straightforward-ness, and answering them. he always had an answer. i'm sure that's still true.
the thing is, i don't find these questions as ones that need to be answered, especially not right away. i think you answer them in the way you live and talk and do things. i think these questions find resolve when your life is over and you can look back and be content. not all questions are answered with words. actually, most aren't.
i think a lot of things are starting to make sense.


what makes us who we are?
eyes? hair? race? sex?
who will you love?
who will you trust?
where is home?
what hardships will you face?
what hardships will you overcome?
what makes you happy?
what are your passions?
if you could do it all over again... what would you change?
relationships? choices? direction?
what experience would you relive?
what will you achieve?
what will you be remembered for?
don't drop your arms.

everything has changed, nothing is the same anymore.

there's something extremely monotonous yet serene about being a shut in for three days straight due to the flu.

it kind of sucks, but it's been nice not really worrying about anything. i mean, i probably should be worrying about all the school work i'll have to make up by the end of the grading period and all.. but i'm really not that concerned. i have faith that i'll get it done eventually.

i have 4 applications to fill out too, oh darn.

and i got my license!!! i'm not really insured to drive a car yet, seeing as how my mother drives a car that my not-yet-stepfather owns. but eventually. which is so awesome. and now i get to tell my kids that i had a 101 degree fever when i took my drivers test in the snow with an unkind lady.

it's really unreal that tusc was a week ago. it seems like foreverrrr ago. but things are doing absolutely GREAT- that spiritual renewal stuff, wow... it's no joke.

:]

the chokolate cake theorem, the 5 year perspective, it's time. winter weekend '08 :]

There really are so many ways i can start this, and i really don't know which is best.

saturday night, sunday night, tropical rooms, volleyball tournaments, laughing, crying, screaming, cheering, praying, being.

there is absolutely nothing like -and no way to describe- the way you feel when you're praying so intensely and fervently that your knees are shaking and your heart is pounding- finding peace and clarity in the most humbling of positions.

praying with pip, amanda, jason, and mike. humbling, powerful. being on my knees, completely giving everything i have to my creator.

crying. sobbing. hugging rachel ebbert for what was probably around 15 minutes. hearing chris tell me "i'm here, taylor. you're not alone, i'm not leaving". the love i feel there is a level of love i hope and pray everyone will feel. there is no way to describe it. there really isn't.

"it's time."
muttered hundreds of times to Him.
"i'm all Yours."
thousands.

our guys winning the volleyball tournament. the girls getting second! our tropical room. our signed door. good morning baltimore. the weekend of chewed up tootsie rolls- sculpted or uh, stuck up my nose. pre-session bible studies. I am the light of the world. the five year perspective- FLUSH THE MOUSE! knocking bottles off of heaters. I am eternal. stuff, what i do, image- THIS IS NOT WHO I AM. don't believe the lies. pray pray pray. whose i am. love vs. i'm passionate about..

i don't think i can tell you what it's like. i can try, and i'm sure i will eventually.
but there's just so much to say that can't just get woven into words...

weeeeeepies.

"i watch the stars from my windowsill/the whole
world is moving/but i'm standing still"

i think we've all felt like that at some point in time. the idea that you're the only one not changing, you're the only one who has stopped to take everything in and to not only see, but understand the scenery. the feeling that you're alone, and that nobody notices... that your life is a sport and you're nothing but a spectator. perhaps the times when you feel that you're the only one staying the same, are the times when you've changed the most.

i don't know if this is comforting or just the ugly truth. i can't tell if it makes me feel better... perhaps the satisfaction that i've begun to understand these thoughts and these concerns that have been swimming around my head for the past few weeks is enough for me to just reach contentment.

sometimes i'd prefer to give up. to lay in my bed and watch movies and eat macaroni and cheese and ben and jerry's for the rest of my life. the occasional visitor would be enough to bandage the loneliness. i'd be fine with that, if it meant i didn't have to actually face any real problems. it's disgusting that this is ideal for me.

and we're waiting, we're waiting...

i've had over 150 hits in less than two weeks.
who in the world actually reads this?!
hahahaa.

it's a snow day, i'm freezing, iron and wine is in my ears (who's surprised?), and it's time for me to face my giant, today's the day.

you know that phrase, the "today's the first day of the rest of my life"?
it's really making sense.

SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH IS ONNN.

eyes wide open...

an itunes reviewer recently regarded iron and wine as "an endless, intricate hum"

i really think that's the perfect way to put Sam's music.

there's something about this guy that just relaxes me. i'm suddenly at ease. i'm not sure what it is... but i really really love that about him.

if God made her eyes, for crying at birth...

i don't have much to say...

except that "boy with a coin" by iron and wine is probably my favorite song right now. and for as lonely as i've felt lately, in general... i'm insanely content, incredibly blessed, and honestly happy.

there's a lot of little (and gigantic) things that i really would love to change about my life. but i'm beginning to take the stance that things are the way they are for a reason, and i'm really really content with that.

it's relieving to know that i'm not worried about whether or not this is where i'm supposed to be. i've never felt more out of place, and it's never felt more intentional on God's part. i'm glad i feel out of place- it reminds me that i'm really not alive to live an ordinary life.

hey- you, in the dark.

i miss my brother.

there is no way to make that sound any prettier or more appealing. that's the truth, and i hate it. not that i miss him, that he's gone.

i just want you home.

from where you are

i really don't have much to say, at all.

except that the last part of John 16:32 has proven to be extremely comforting lately..
"...I am not alone, for My Father is with Me."
-Jesus.


my plan was to be a vegetarian for 31 lone days... it's been 35 now and i can not bring myself to eat meat. this is strangee.

oh, and i'm sick. with one of those stupid cold-type things.
not exactly my favorite thing in the world.

also, my mom and father engaged in a text message duel today. words such as "dumbass" and "bitch" were thrown to the table...
yes, i have 23 chromosomes from each of them.
wow.

the silence is fine.

i wrote this awhile ago- it's been pushing a year.
the thing about this story is that it's my baby.. it's a literary question mark with a vague plot and a vivid setting. i love that about it, regardless of whether or not some critics do. i probably go back to this story every few weeks or so, making random alterations and corrections. although this is the official second draft, this sucker is nowhere near done- this is probably the unofficial 948257th draft. it's constantly being changed and reworded. and i highly doubt it will be done anytime soon. but if you'd like to, read it.. and if you feel compelled to, gimme some feedback. you don't have to be a blogger user to comment, you just have to have the capability to type.
so here we go.



Untitled//Draft#2

It is late and just like the summer itself, their time together is fading. Their affection towards each other, and the smooth August evening, is evident in the way they lie and the crisp silence all around. The sun has retreated past the horizon, leaving behind it a brilliant canvas painted with night. She looks up breathes in, finding a place in her memory for the dancing of the stars, a ballet that can only be choreographed by God himself. A satellite skips through the sky and while it catches her eye, his eye stays fixed on her. She is perfect in an imperfect way, and that in itself is more than he could ask for. It is by chance that they met, and through fate alone that they lie here tonight. He lies close to her, wearing an old pair of jeans and his favorite tee-shirt; his sweatshirt is now around her shoulders, keeping her warm from the cool summer night. They look back up at the dark night sky, ornamented with suns and planets and worlds they never knew existed.

The likelihood of the two of them meeting was improbable, but odds seemed to be on their side this summer. They managed to prove everyone wrong when they fell in a love deeper than either is even aware of. A love neither of them are capable of grasping- their minds are young and naïve, but their hearts are strong and are together tonight, underneath the stars.

They are quiet, for there is too much that can't be communicated with speaking and listening. They are both aware that she will be leaving tomorrow, there is a train ticket and a packed bag to prove it. But still, it isn’t real. No, it just is not real to them yet. He breathes deep and pulls her closer, and it is as if neither of them are concerned with what the rising sun will bring.

Though they wish to believe that the stars will always be visible, it is understood that the sun will soon shine. Trying to push the thought out of their minds, their efforts do not prevail. Thoughts on what the sun’s rising will bring are pushed aside, for they are not ready to leave their spot under the stars. No, not yet. It is silent, neither of them speak. Words aren’t enough for this night.

As she rests her head on his chest, becoming in tune with the persistent beatings of his heart, the two of them begin to grasp the idea that this moment in itself, is perfect. Perhaps words will not do, but the presence of one another and the visibility of the night sky says more than arranged and organized letters can articulate. There are no shooting stars. No, there are no fireworks. It’s just the two of them and the dark sky freckled with dazzling moons and stars.

He breathes in deep and considers telling her, but holds back. He wants so badly to tell her to stay, that he loves her, that he will never forget her. That he is scared to be without her. But these thoughts never turn into words. He says nothing at all. He knows she is leaving. He knows she is as deeply in love with him as he is with her. They have never said so, but that doesn’t matter. This summer taught them that love does not consist of words, or even actions. Love is fear, and it is not perfect. Love is not doing, but being. This love, the imperfect, fearful kind… this is the love he feels. The love the both of them feel. He met her only two months before tonight, and now, he is certain that God made her for him. She is beautiful; a beauty he is sure only he is able to fully appreciate. For that, he is grateful. She is everything he didn’t know he needed, and now that she is leaving, he is lost and vulnerable. He takes in another breath and holds back, clearing his mind and stroking her hair. The silence is here, and the silence is fine.

'have mercy on me, o God'

i really have no clue what to say, but i feel that i should probably say something to clarify that the point of this blog is certainly not to complain about my father. besides obsessively checking my email, i've come to grips with the fact that things are the way they are.


i think that psalm 51 is incredible, and i think that it would be decent for my mental health if i stopped listening to 'down with the ship' by the damnwells.

tuscarora is in 18 days....
:]


i'm considering the possibilities that i should probably start wearing socks and that i probably crack my knuckles too much, and that easy mac isn't the most ideal food for me to be obsessed with.

i'm still here, listening to this.

RE: please read my dear father.‏
From: Bob Nman (rhnyman@comcast.net)
Sent: Tue 4/03/07 7:53 AM
To: 'Taylor Nyman' (astandupkindofgirl91@hotmail.com)

Taylor,



I need to talk to you today about a few things. For some reason, I am always made out to be the bad person, I know I am not perfect, but I need you to consider a couple of things about our relationship. Just as your Mother did, you felt that withholding information from me was somehow justified. I have never asked you just to “nod your head in assent to please me”, this was your choice. I thought we at least had trust and honesty. My opinion is that the basis for ANY relationship is trust and honesty. It is time for me to let you know that these cornerstones are why you’re Mother and I began to have difficulty in our relationship and why I left Kate. I need to talk to you about this. Please look up the definition for lying and we can discuss.



I do love you.



Dad

i read that too much.
trust and honesty? you?
you were never honest with me,
and i don't trust you.

your restless child over state lines.

"If my life was a distance, what mile would you claim?
if my life was a story, how i wish you would explain all of this.
if your voice was a siren with nothing left to sing, ...I'm still here listening.
I'm your restless child over state lines
so don't you let me down, for once in your life.
we're all growing up, faster than our skin
looking for our fathers, so where have you been?
don't you let us down, for once in your life.
if you leave me i will go down with the ship."


-the damnwells








i miss who you used to be to me.

hello july.

i wrote something beautiful the other day.
honestly, i was happy with it. it said what i wanted for it to say.
it was about you...

it's too bad you'll never read it, and you'll never even know.






jamie tworkowski wrote a blog the other day, and it honestly felt like it was me talking, but with a more articulate and mature voice. he was talking about being both an introvert and an extrovert. and about how writing for an audience is the only thing that makes sense.
it's like, i wish i were 5 years older than i am, so i could work with him. jamie and i would make a good team, because in so many ways, we're the same person. he puts my thoughts into better words. :]

boy with a coin.

i've been home for a while now. I'm accompanied by a large purple bag of dark chocolate m&m's on my left, my cell phone on my right. I'm upset the tennis channel is not available to me, because i would love to watch the Australian Open. that's my excuse for being unhappy. it's not the reason.

iron and wine and my newest find, caleb jude green, are surrounding me. their voices are calm, and that's what i need now. i've consumed roughly 400 calories worth of m&m's and i really do not care as much as i probably should.

i really love the acoustic guitar. more than most things. i suppose you could blame my brother for that- i was brought up hearing my favorite songs sung to the tune of my brother's martin, and even later, his gibson. i still have to come to grips with the fact that i won't get to hear him play his gibson until june.

it has recently been discovered that the large bag of m&m's is probably the source of my current stomachache. i keep eating them.
they make me feel better.

so out of place, and so disconnected.


i feel as if i would be most content laying on the couch all week watching the open. of course i wouldn't care that much because rafa probably won't make it past the semis, but watching him makes my day. i'll just record his matches, and watch them over and over.

it's disgusting how much i avoid human interaction.

phone calls from kuwait and the lack of meat in my life.

i received a phone call from somewhere in Kuwait today.

it was, perhaps, the happiest moment of my day. And seeing that Rafael Nadal won his first round match at the Australian Open in 3 sets, i got new school supplies, and i took a 5 hour nap, that being the best part of my day is saying a lot.

The person on the other end of the phone line and the other side of the world was, of course, my big brother.

He's safe, he's fine, and there's camels everywhere. apparently they're like deer there.. dead on the side of the road and such. and women are wearing their "cover up things" and men are wearing their "man-dresses".

my brother's lingo is my favorite.

in other news, i have now realized that restaurants need to cater to those who have different eating habits and morals. there needs to be more variety in menus. I'm officially halfway done with my being vegetarian for a month, and it really is nearly impossible to eat at restaurants. went to applebees for lunch today and i ended up getting a side of overcooked seasonal vegetables and a side of macaroni and cheese. every other dish contained the words "chicken", "sirloin", "beef", or "fish". It's unbelievable that people can't come up with even one or two dishes that don't contain meat. sheesh.


my new semester starts tomorrow!
i'm quite excited for hon. english 10, spanish IV, u.s. history, and art III.
third block lunch sucks ass, but oh well. i'll survive.

thoughts on new hampshire.

I really like Barack Obama. I really really dislike hillary clinton. and my favorite moment of the new hampshire debates was definitely the "mandates" exchange between romney and thompson. and also edwards' stupendously brilliant comment- "I didn't hear these kinds of attacks when she [hillary clinton] was ahead." oh, and rudy giuliani needs to learn to keep his mouth shut. i left the room halfway into the republican debate because i was so sick of the man talking over everyone and bragging about how he handled 9/11 and the 15 keys to success blah blah yadaaa. what i would like to hear is each candidate's specific plans for the future.. when the candidates start looking at the past, all they do is begin attacking each other. yes, i understand that we have to look at how each candidate from their respective party dealt with issues in the past... but i swear, if the romney campaign would invest more in pointing out his qualities rather than his republican opponents' flaws, he'd be a lot better off- he's a semi-likable guy even though he did get plowed over during the debate. when i hear and see the propoganda trash talking so-and-so's opponent, i just lose respect for the guy who felt the need to trash talk a guy who very well may win over him. can you imagine losing to the dude you said was a terrible candidate compared to you? honestly, i've lost hope for the entire republican party. not one candidate really has much of my respect. anyways,i can not see a republican being elected into office after the bush administration that everyone seems to despise is led by a republican, duh. hoorah for independents supporting obama.

i just want you here.

i refuse to say goodbye, and yet, here i am. there's salty water that just fell from my eyes. i can taste it. words can't come close to describing the pain that i feel at this moment. i have never felt this way, ever. and i hate it.

"wake up, you're alive"

welcome to the new year, taylor.
it's not a new beginning, it's just a new day. with a new number. you're not starting over, you're picking up from where you left off the night before. do what you want, do what you feel is right, and learn how to follow through. 31 days without meat? insanely doable. test yourself. i promise you, you can do it. your father? do what you feel is right. that's what you did before and now you don't hear from him. don't avoid him because you're afraid. don't carry on this childish argument, but stand up for what you believe is right. it's been almost a year, and you still haven't seen his face. it's okay. you're doing fine, and 2008 will be fantastic. it's a new calendar day, and there's no difference- but take the time to listen to "the blues"- you know why. take the time to think and write and learn more about who you are, and about the people around you. love your life, it's the only one you have. pray. don't stop. never give up, and stop seperating who you are from who you wish you were. make your ideals realities, and put everything you have into the betterment of yourself and the world around you. things will suck, but that's okay. there's always someone on your side. wake up, taylor. it's january 1st. no different than december 31st or the 16th of october. you're alive, and that's all that matters. get up and do something. keep your guard up and never get shut down. love yourself, love others, and yes, he will come home. he will.

love,
taylor.

hey, you, in the dark...

i'm comfortable with who i am, but i couldn't be more insecure.
i'm practically fearless, but i'm scared by any potential uncomfortable/unsafe/harmful situation.
i'm scared of what i want the most.
and what i can't get rid of.

i wish i were better.. i wish i could relate to people more. i wish i weren't so content, yet discontented with being lonely.

a good friend of mine told me something a few weeks ago that still kind of floats around in my head... amidst the chaos, you know. we were talking about the kid in my spanish class who i really wish i had the guts to talk to. of course, i'm afraid of awkward silences, and even more i'm afraid of sounding like a moron. saying stupid stuff. anyways.. he said that someday, someone will come along and will love me regardless of how stupid i sound. and not even in spite of that, he will love me because of that. he won't see through my flaws, he will embrace them, and love me for being who i am.. my imperfect, annoying, overthinking self. i just wish that guy would come along now. life would be so much easier if i didn't always feel alone.

i'm full of contradictions, can't you see?
this life that i'm living, it isn't for me.

life is hard, but it's worth living.

"Life is hard for a lot of people, but it's worth living... hope is real...storms do pass."

-jamie tworkowski




merry christmas.
:]

now you're sitting on the half priced clearance rack...

i think that people should grow up.

have something to say? say it to my face. i'm not going to pretend to be friends with morons who think they have the right to talk to and of me in a disrespectful manner.

materialistic people tick me off.

in other news, precalc sucks and i'm in la clase de espanol ahora.

i'm hungry.

you're all i want, you're all i need, everything.

self explanatory

when i closed my eyes, i could see the light.

i'm going to give up on writing you something dazzlingly profound. who wants words that fit together perfectly anyways? all anyone really wants is the truth, even if the truth stings more than any amount of horrible words strung together ever could. the truth sucks because it's unavoidable. it's relevant. the truth is the cards you've been dealt, the truth is living with what's already been put on the table for you. that's all anyone wants to know. you just want to know what you've got so you know how to deal with it. it's a lot harder to do that when all you're fed is beautiful words that happen to be lies. not that i write anything that is in any way untruthful, but i'm going to just stop trying to make something beautiful, because all i want is something honest. i have yet to fully achieve that. i doubt i ever will. but it's more expected than something beautiful, because anyone can see beauty in anything. honesty is for everyone and it's always the same. not that what i write shouldn't be beautiful, because of course i want to write something that's pleasurable to read... but what's the use if it makes no sense and is full of lies.

you get what i'm saying brick wall? no, no you don't. but that's okay.

so take my hands, i lift them high.

"come like you promised you would, i want to surrender for good..."

i don't know if it's the way they're sung, the way they're heard, or God's grace wrapped around the two- forming what can only be described as beautiful- but whatever the feeling is that makes me want to close my eyes and smile to my God, the God of the sun and the rain and the world... this a sensation i'm blessed to know and love.

none of us want to be alone. no one wants to sit alone and wonder why they were even created in the first place. i hate that i question my creation- not because i wish i didn't exist, but because i wish i felt more purpose. which is insanely contradictory towards my entire being, because i am insanely driven and insanely ambitious- i'm practically in love with the possibility that one day i can and will amount to something fantastic and meaningful.

And yet, i remain in the same dark corner pondering the same questions that have taken up most of my thoughts for the past several years, from the time jon first proposed them to me.. the primary one being WHY AM I EVEN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE? and so i sit here, and the question still stands. i take comfort in knowing the question has been answered through my existence. that for me to answer that question, i need to live first and then see what i've got.

when the time comes, i'd like to lay on my deathbed and look at the canvas i've painted upon and realize, yes, that's why i was here. when i look my heavenly father in the eyes and he calls me his child, i want him to say "thank you, daughter." i dream of him taking me away from this earth only because my work is done.

they lie, when they say the good die young.

so take my heart, and make it true. make it new, and make it like you.

ready now by desperation band.

one of those songs that really will change your life, and i mean it.

with the rhythm of my heart and the ringing in my ears

for some reason, this picture reminds me of every switchfoot concert i've ever attended.

i saw it, and smiled.



"oh, and the wind starts to look like her hair,
and the clouds in her bright blue eyes
as the sea and the shore fall and rise
like her breast as she breathes by my side
and the moon is her lips as the sun
is headed on down to the sea,
like her head as she lays down on me
until we reach ocean side.

over and over, i hear the same refrain.
it's the rhythm of my heart
and my sleepy girl's breathing
it's the rhythm of my southbound train"


that, my friend, is absolutly beautiful. thank you, jon foreman.

i'll tell you all that i need right now.

i need someone to hug me and to tell me that everything will be okay.
after a while, i stopped believing myself when i said that.

the embrace of someone that cared is really all i want right now.
nothing more.



while i sat crying over my precalculus homework that i've come to realize i will never understand, i realized the above. we, as humans, desire relationships. closeness. nobody wants to be lonely. we're all experiencing lonliness on different levels. i get down on my own self pity, and then i find out that the mother of a girl i know only has a few more hours to live. we're all lonely. we all are.

starting today, i refuse to have any amount of pity on myself. life is too short to care about the speedbumps, because they're going to come whether i like it or not.

le blog de la clase de español

it's 10:11 am.
starfield is in my ears, and spanish class can be found somewhere around the madness. directional present tense interviews, with the humming of beautiful words in the background... and i don't really mean the spanish language. tim neuman is singing about life, which i like. it's nice to hear that an ordinary life isn't what i was made to live. so here's to everything being all for Him... and i don't mean tim neuman.


refreshing... multitasking- it sure has it's good side.

it would be a lie to run away.

thank you for your words.
the words that became lyrics, the lyrics that were sung to the most beautiful music i've ever heard.
thank you for your encouragement. thank you for reaching through my headphones and picking me up.
thank you for being the cause of so many tears that needed to flee from me. you've opened doors.. you've been to parts of my mind that i didn't know were there.
i owe you everything. you taught me to think, to write, and to learn. you made me aware. you taught me that rhythm breathes and that life has far less boundaries than was once percieved.

i thank you for being with me while i sat alone in the dark.

you taught me to know when to let go and when to hold on. you taught me to cope. you made me think. i've thought more about your words than everything else that's crossed my mind, combines. the syllables uttered from your mouth have tangled my mind for years now, and i've become a better person from that.

the fact that your songs will never leave me gives me peace. you've given me the understanding that people will fail me, and that i will fail everyone- and the fact that i've learned to apply it to my life gives me comfort. i trust you, i trust you more than almost anyone. you calm me, you teach me, you comfort me.

you know who you are, and even though you don't know who i am, i'm forever grateful to you.

tell me your stories.

tell me your stories, and make me smile.
you know, if you wanted, you could stay for a while.
i'll listen to your secrets, i will understand
just come with me, please take my hand.

i know you don't know me,
just maybe my name.
but that's not me, it's you to blame.

if you can do that baby, i think we'll be fine.

the soundtrack to my life would contain lots of new folkish music. john cooper, delta spirit, rocky votolato. throw in some bright eyes, anchor&braille, and a little ryan adams as well. so play that at my funeral.

an acoustic guitar, a raw voice, and honest lyrics.. it's without a doubt, one of the most succesful recipes for beauty. if there were a recipe for beauty. don't show me some size zero model with legs up to freaking everest and blonde hair to her waist. give me some headphones sufjan stevens is whispering poems about ypsilanti through. that's something i can appreciate.


there's nothing on tv now and i'm supposed to be writing an essay.


BLAHHHHH.

don't let them push your head into the sand.

i'm reading this book called "prep" and it pisses me off because i hate, HATE how much the main character and i are alike. in every way i hate myself, she does as well. it's a disgusting look in the mirror.

perhaps it's God telling me yet again, that things need to change. maybe this time i should listen to him...

i had oral surgery a few days ago and i'm still down for the count. and i look like a twelve year old.. it really does suck, cause what sixteen year old wants to look four years younger than they actually are? really. the first part of the surgery was a tooth extraction, and that's the part i hate the most. not the second part where they went into the roof of my mouth... even though the recuperation from that portion of the procedure has been no less than hell. i hate that i look like a moron. not that the frizzy hair and acne and braces weren't enough, let's knock out a tooth and make sure people have no idea she should have her drivers license.

i'll stop complaining..

my thanksgiving was actually superb. i had incredible food, and i got to spend it with my brother. i know that a lot of the things i've experienced lately are things i will never forget.. the last time i was in my old house, with take out olive garden, when i found out my dog was staying in virginia probably to eventually be put down. thanksgiving at my aunts. this whole surgery ordeal. i feel reminiscent, not because all of this is new, but because all of this has, yes, happened before. i have moved in with mother's boyfriend before. this time, however, i really really hope that it works. my brother has prepared and left for a deployment before... and the fact that this all is old news is refreshing because i have a vague knowledge of how to deal with what's being thrown at me. i hate feeling distant from everything and everyone, but i understand that that's what happens when there's too much on my plate. i step back, and usually nobody notices, which hurts me for a while because i wish i felt missed. but the fact that everything has come full circle is nice, because i know that things will eventually get better.

that's really reassuring, especially on days when i feel pretty much like scum.

heaven knows..

amazing.

baha

current weight: 124 pounds.
goal weight: 112 pounds.
deadline: february.

i miss you.

my mom took my dog and i didn't even get to say goodbye.

i hate moving with a passion. i've realized that every big decision made for me in my life revolves around my mother's happiness and contentment, and i'm even angrier at her now because she took my dog.

MY DOG. my baby, who my family got when i was 6. it's not fair. i know nothing ever stays the same, but i hate this. my dog means everything to me.

she didn't even have the guts to tell me she was taking her with her.

this further supports my thesis:


everyone leaves.

don't drop your arms, i've got your heart.

she cried, because it was all she was able to control.

for jacqueline

a very close friend of mine lost her cousin this week to "brain stem glioma", a brain tumor.

she was seven years old.

life really is something i find myself taking for granted way too often, and though i never knew her, it seems like this girl loved her life.

i never would have wanted to be reminded how blessed i am to be alive and healthy this way, no, never.

http://www.jacquelineteigeler.com/


i'm so sorry laura. i can't even imagine what you and your family are going through. you're in my prayers.

i'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean?

here's what i do.
i stumble upon a remarkable song, and play it over and over and over (and over).

past song obsessions:
"it's about time" - barcelona
"africa" - toto
"come on get higher" and "car crash" - matt nathanson
"carelessness" - fair
"talk show host" - radiohead
"people, turn around!" - delta spirit
"flourescent adolescent" - the arctic monkeys
"white daisy passing" - rocky votolato
"world spins madly on" - the weepies
"always love" - nada surf


ya know, the songs that just make you feel fantastic when you hear them. or maybe not even fantastic, they bring out something in you that you didn't know was there. they make you feel a way you've never felt before.

currently, "my song" is "for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti" by sufjan stevens, who, by the way, is a genius.

genius.


i just can't stop listening to it.

most recent thing to make me laugh: the "my life will never be the same, thanks to mr. richard stavar" facebook group. good lord, the memorable stavar quotes bring me right back to honors english 9... i can't believe i'm saying this, but i miss it.


in other news, reggie dabbs is cool, but you already knew that.

talking to herself to apologize.

i cried when i saw that.

almost.






look up the lyrics to "monday comes around" by switchfoot.
i'd like for jon foreman to make that song an acoustic one.

i think that i was stronger, when all this was still a mystery

ignorance is not bliss.
i wish i didn't worry so much.

..."the air in my lungs is hard to find."

rooftops and invitations.

i don't really feel like saying anything.

i currently have nothing important to say. no lyrics or quotes or youtube videos to post.

basically, i'm pretty boring right now.

i'm also a moron.

fin.

dear self.

dear taylor,

it's been an interesting few years. don't argue that one. you've learned a lot and more importantly, you've learned that there's a lot that you don't know.

you're moving on mentally, spiritually, physically. there are no fresh starts. those things in that email to your dad, you can't take them back. and don't think for a second that you should. you said what you meant and how you felt- you need to realize that what you say should not be altered in order to please who the audience is.

remember the most important things to you: God, love, family, friends, switchfoot. they make you who you are.

stop arguing with compliments. you don't have to agree with them, but you should accept them regardless of the validity behind the statement.

you really should read your bible more.

even when it doesn't seem like it, there are people who are there for you, regardless of time and place. call one of them, but don't rely on them for everything.

you don't owe anyone any explanations. just love everyone and love yourself.

you're a deep thinker. you always have been, do not ever compromise that part of who you are for anything. think. always, always think.

understand that there are things that you will never understand.

live. there are people who are by your side- we're all failures and therefore we're all in this mess together. divided we fail. never ever forget to live.

wake up, taylor. you're alive. breathe.

it's clouded; and so is my head.

avoiding the truth only works for so long.

so here it is, it's going out in the open, and i'm going to learn how to live with it somehow.


my big brother, my rock, one of my best friends, the one man in my life i know and trust enough to look up to, my favorite person in the entire universe- he's leaving for iraq the first week of january.



i have never been so scared in my life. and i don't know what to do or who to talk to.



i've come to realize that nothing is ever easy.




if someone actually reads this, please, please, keep my brother and my sister in law and the rest of my family in your prayers.

jim sturgess, say what?

trl, what a horrible show.

jim sturgess though, he's quite the cutie.


if you haven't seen across the universe yet, you haven't lived.

any self-respecting beatles fan needs to see this movie.

she's walking up to him so slowly.

i'm kind of disgusted in the fact that i'm such a wuss sometimes.

i doubt he knows i exist, and i'm too scared to change that.

it's about time to fly away.

i have trust issues, in the sense that i want to trust but i don't know how and i don't know who.

sometimes i feel daring, and then i end up getting hurt.

somtimes i feel like playing it safe, and then i end up feeling lonely.

it's about time someone came along and showed me option three. options one and two are slightly bleak, a little upsetting, and in no way optimistic.

i'm fine on my own. i'd be better with someone else.


"they don't love me, they can't love what i don't show.
it's about time to fly away, but wait... this one is
different cause she's lonely."

baaaaarcelonaaaaaa :]

a chicken can't cross the road?

currently, in chemistry class, my group is chelsea sheridan, and ahhhsome.
-chelsea sheridan


rule to live by:
life can be more easier (if that's even possible) when you allow yourself to laugh at your flaws, your insufficiencies, your mistakes, and your shortcomings.

my own immaturity and slightly obsessive infatuation with guy who is barely aware of my existence is enough to make me roll on the floor laughing right here in the perry high school media center.




"a chicken can't cross the road.. knock knock"

i wish i were chelsea sheridan.

and heaven knows, i tried to find a cure for the pain.

i can't wait for jon foreman's solo ep's

for those of you who didn't know, the tracklist for the "fall" ep is going to look something like this:

-the cure for pain
-the southbound train
-lord, save me from myself
-the moon is a magnet
-?
-?


i'm quite ecstatic. for those of you attending the columbus show wednesday night, i envy you.

rant.

i cry, and i scream.
i make a fool out of myself on a daily basis, and if i had the right state of mind, i'd live by the phrase "no regrets".
i dwell on everything, and i forget how to live when i want to most.
i try to be attractive by showing how much i love my life.
...the life i don't even know how to live.

i'm foolish and i think too much. i confuse myself. i need constant reminders that i'm in good hands and that things are going to be okay. i always forget that. i laugh at things that aren't funny and i pretend things are perfectly fine, when deep down i'm terrified of losing everything and everyone- i spend a lot of time wondering if i already have.

music is not my life, and i think that the people who say that are just being dramatic. i'm often listening to it, though.

i'm opinionated, but i have trouble expressing my point of view, and even more trouble supporting it with evident facts. i can't stand it when older people think their opinions are more valid than mine because they've lived longer and seen more. i also hate when older people thing that because i haven't seen, heard, or lived through it all, that my opinions aren't valid. it often seems that the individuals who believe that are the ignorant ones.

i struggle with lust, pride, depression, hopelessness, idolatry, concentration, and getting through the day without considering what this world would be like without me in it.

i wish people would understand me, but i'm also glad that not many people do because who i am is something no one but me will fully have or comprehend.. and even i don't really understand much about who i am.

"what am i doing?"

.
"What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing. I'm doing the best that I can. I know that's all I can ask of myself. Is that good enough? Is my work doing any good? Is anybody paying attention? Is it hopeless to try and change things?... I'm fucked. Maybe I should quit. Don't quit. Maybe I should just fucking quit. Don't fucking quit. Just, I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do anymore. Fucker. Fuck. Shit."

-i heart huckabees.




i think that the unnecessary use of a ridiculous amount of profane words just adds to the honesty that this statement really does entail.
i like it. it kind of makes me smile.

200 hits? say whaaaat?

seeing as how there have been over 200 hits on this site since i put that counter on the bottom page on here, it'd be sweet to know who actually reads this stuff besides me.

and also, you don't have to have a blogger account to leave comments.

i mean, i don't really care. but feedback, arguments, and the occasional question of my sanity are all always appreciated.

i have a ridiculously messy room and a head full of thoughts to sort out calling my name, perhaps i'll elaborate on gamma and micro waves later. if you're lucky.

micro-waves.

In chemistry today, my teacher was talking about wavelengths, blah blah.. And something actually interested me with this all.

There's a very narrow spectrum of light that we see. In all the different waves throughout the universe, we see a ridiculously small amount of it all.

It's funny how we all can let what we see tell us what we know and who we are. When all we know is what we've seen, there's far too many things that are unexplained- nothing makes sense, nothing matches up. When we realize there's more than physical beauty, there's more than what the newspapers tell and more than what our eyes tell us exist... everything comes together. We can't let our eyes define how our entire existence will map out. When faith and love and optimism come into play, there's no doubt in my mind that there is someone keeping us all in check, someone who can see faith- we just have to go the extra mile and believe that it's there.

I know it's far fetched, when we've been taught to use our eyes to see the world around us, but there really is more than meets the eye.

I may never be able to see faith. Or love. Or a person's state of mind. I can point out examples, but these eyes can't tell me everything i need to know- they can only show me that narrow spectrum of light... and i think that's something I'm glad I've come to realize.

musica del momento- woah crazy

music of the moment gone wild.

1. Maroon 5- Songs About Jane
That's right, the whole thing. i'm in love. every song is absolutely incredible, i'm thinking this is going to replace "i think i've found it" by delta spirit on my top 5 best cd's ever. it's just that good. highlights of the cd: "secret", "through with you", "this love" the whole damn cd just makes me so happy. kind of perfect right now.

2. Car Crash and Come On Get Higher- Matt Nathanson
Both songs are just so good.. actually, pretty much anything matt nathanson is.. but those two songs, off of his new cd.. they're just too good.

3. The Freshmen- verve pipe and As I Lay Me Down- sophie b. hawkins
I'm also on a 90's high. wow did that decade have kickass music. those two songs are just kind of the best.

4. The Adventure- Angels and Airwaves
Found this gem. it never gets old.

5. Feelings Show and Realize-Colbie Caillat
She kind of reminds me of Toby Lightman. i dunno, those two songs just say a lot about stupid stuff going on now. kind of. they make me happy in the sense that i know i'm certainly not alone :]


el fin.

top 5, cause i'm lame.

Taylor's Top 5 Best Songs Recorded in the Past 10 Years.

1. Only Hope- Switchfoot
2. Needle and Thread- Sleeping At Last
3. The Fallout- This Holiday Life
4. Champagne Supernova- Oasis
5. White Daisy Passing- Rocky Votolato


Taylor's Top 5 Best CD's ever.

1. New Way to be Human-Switchfoot
2. Cities-Anberlin
3. Ocean Avenue-Yellowcard
4. I Think I've Found It!-Delta Spirit
5. TIE:
No Name Face-Lifehouse
Act I: Goodbye Friends of the Heavenly Bodies-Neverending White Lights

honesty.

"That which is hidden is empowered. So let these songs be the enemy of all that is shadow in my life, let these songs be my hymns to a generous God, the father of lights. Let these hymns be the enemy of the counterfeit... I feel like there's beauty in honesty, and there's something that needs to get out regardless of the reception at the other end."

-Jon Foreman


that sums it up right there, that's why jon foreman is the reason i am who i am today.

life vs. death

i don't want to die.
i couldn't even imagine dying at my own hands.

i'm learning that my problem is that i don't like how i'm living.
i don't like the way things are, not one thing.

it's like a lose-lose situation... live and hate it, or die without knowing whether or not things could have gotten better.

i'm pretending to be optimistic. things will get better. they have to.
and if they get worse, they can only get that much better.




i have an infatuation for a guy who pretty much is kind of unaware of my existence. just throwing that out there.. for the sole reason that i needed to say it.

screw optimism.

have you ever gone through a time where you saw no reason not to give up? all i want to do is just forget about everything. i feel like the only one pushing me to actually be somebody is myself.

i wish i had parents that cared. i really, really do.

now i understand why God gives them to us. i just don't know why he didn't give them to me. i have a guy who forgot about me, a lady who refuses to take me to church, and another guy who forgot my birthday. there is one wonderful woman, unfortunately, she lives two states away and i don't get to see or talk to her often.

i really don't understand why i have to put up with some of these things.

sometimes, i just wish something went right.

"all that i know is I'm breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing."

thanks, stephen...

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.


-stephen christian

blahhh

i'm realizing more and more that i'm a walking contradition.

at this moment, i could not be more content and i could not be more discontented.

i love my life and i hate it at the same time.


this blog should be retitled "Taylor, the Bipolar Moron"
seems fitting.

oh, i applied for a job at sheetz. exciting.

el fin.

I Like Chipotle.

i finally saw invisible children: rough cut this fine evening.

fantastic time. chipotle is delish as well.

i idealize, and my ideals are becoming realities...

it's like i'm learning for the first time that yes, i'm inspiring change. i'm part of a movement that will change the world.

life is good when you have something to live for.

everyone leaves.

oh, these beautiful tears of realization. sobbing over the truth is, in fact, better than living with lies.

everyone leaves. whether or not they want to, intentionally or unintentionally.. everyone always leaves. my father could care less about me, it feels like he's found he achieves his monthly fatherly quota by writing a check to my mom and to the cell phone company. i'm grateful that he does that... but he just doesn't care about what i have to say. he can pretend he does, but i know that he doesn't.
My brother, the ONLY man in my life who i can depend on, is leaving for iraq. i know it's not his fault, i know he'd stay if he could... but the bottom line is that he is leaving.

everyone always leaves.

a rant. probably not even worth your time.

i can't describe what it's like when i'm out there on the court.. when it's just me there. there's nobody backing me up. it's my decisions.. my faults. i really can't even come close to putting into words how passionate i really am about the game of tennis. i'm not as great as i wish i were, but i'm always, always striving to improve. i get so excited when i learn new shots.. i get so pumped up on the court even when things are going bad. Tennis matches don't have clear turning points, a clear middle. there is a beginning and an end. and how you carry yourself in between all of that is what i love about the sport. everything is mental. it's about confidence. it's about optimism. it's about living in the moment that is occuring right now. if you're up and you dwell on it, you fall back. if you're down and you dwell on it, the set is gone in a matter of a few quick shots. Being a confident, polite, yet incredibly competitve athlete is what makes me love tennis so much. it's a lifelong sport.. i don't care how many stupid discussions i end up getting into with kayla, who claims softball is better.. you can't play softball when you're 60. if softball is what she loves, then fine. my mom and her dad can attend all of her softball games they want.. it hurts that my future stepdad hasn't even expressed any care in watching me play.. i don't need an audience.. but i shouldn't always feel obligated to defend the sport that makes me who i am. i feel most like myself when i'm on the court. i love everything about the game of tennis, and nothing will ever keep me from playing it.

that's life.

"that's life" is a phrase i won't settle for.

i'm willing to rise up above the sadness and worry that this life offers me. i'm living for more than that.

scream, shred your lungs...

i just want to scream.
a good scream. or at least i think so.
i want to go outside and scream.
forget about everything. the laundry, all the stupid men in my life, the homework.. everything.

i don't even care anymore. i'm trying hard in school because i need a good GPA to be accepted in the intrax study abroad program. i want to get into college.

i'm working hard in tennis because it's what i love. it's who i am. i feel most like myself when i'm pouring myself into some form of written documentation, or when i'm out on the court. it's just me there, me and my opponent. i've learned to be independent because i've learned to rely fully on myself, in the sense that my errors hurt myself, my triumphs are mine and mine only.

put me on a tennis court, sit me down in front of a piece of paper and a pen.. then you'll know who i am.

¡vamos!

i want this so bad.
i feel called to do this.
more than anything i've ever, ever felt called to do.

i'm learning that there are no coincidences in life, and the strangely, perfectly timed "coincidences" are sheer signs from God.

i dont want this because i want to run away from everything, though sometimes, running away seems like the only option, i need this because i need to find myself. i'm learning more that i need to learn who i am through understanding myself, and not through comparrison to another. i'm taking every opportunity i get. i'm learning that if i want something bad enough, and if my wants and needs are aligned with God's wants and needs for me... then i need to work for it, and he will provide.

yes, factoring in the charges, $11,100 is a lot. it is a huge ammount of money. but i know that i can raise it. i know that my family, my friends, and my community will support me. this is my decision.

spain, i will be seeing you in a year and four months. i promise.

i'm obsessed with this song.

this is off of daniel victor's latest project, neverending white lights.
the song is called "this longing"

the lyrics are very strong, and i dont know why i felt compelled to share these lyrics with the brick wall that reads this blog.. i think that i have a feeling that these words may be significant at some point in time to me, or perhaps they are now but i don't know why. i think that one can always relate to a word, a line, a stanza, or an entire song.

this is poetry at it's best:


This endless longing as it was before
And all my angels came alive once more
They said, "Hey, you in the dark"
Another day spent in a broken shell
And all my demons they know all too well
They said, "God, you take your soul"
This life was meant to take from your breath away.
I seem so empty
My endless longing goes on
I'm living like I'm lost these days

la cuenta hoy: 6-7, 2-1, match called.

i've completely lost interest in the men's side of the US open..
i'm almost positive it will be a federer/djokovic final, federer prevailing.
disappointing, because i'm not too fond of either of them.
nadal is out, roddick is out. damn.

on the woman's draw, i'm still rooting for henin. she's my favorite. peer is out, vaidisova is out, and sharapova is out. it seems that the US open this year has been full of more upsets.

in other parts of my life, i played a varsity exhibition match today, should have won, but ahhhh well. i've realized that winning isn't as important to me than not losing is. a loss is a loss.. i think about what i did wrong, what i need to change, work on improving, then move on. but if i'm at game, set, or match point... that's where my unforced errors come in. i was at 5 set points, and then the chick forced it to a tiebreak.. how do you go from 5-4 to 6-7? GRRR. whatever. i realize that i attempted to change the topic, and that didn't happen. my apologies. no more tennis talk. i could analyze my game for hours.

i talked on the phone with my guidance counselor type lady from intrax study abroad, and if you didn't believe me before, this is legit. i'm going to spain from january to july of 2009!!! the finances will be difficult to figure out. i'm going to rely almost entirely on donations from family, friends, and the community. i know that i can raise the money, and i just know that this is what God wants me to do. I really have been deliberating whether or not i'm doing this because I want to or because i feel that GOD wants me to... i've been praying for a sign.

yesterday there was a newspaper article about foreign exchange students staying in northeast ohio. my mom's friend called her today, and out of nowhere (my mom hasn't told her friends about my plans yet), she says that she read the article, and the first thing she thought of was that she could see me being a foreign exchange student. in spain.

yes, friends... I'm taking that as a sign. if this is God's plan, he will provide. I have faith in him, and i have faith in myself. i know that things will take their course.

hmm, what else to talk about..

i've been strangely dehydrated lately... yeah yeah, i know that the hours upon hours of tennis i've been playing lately could probably contribute to that. but i've been GUZZLING water. like, 5-10 bottles a day.. i suppose that's good.

my honors pre calc class is kicking my butt.

ah well. i need to shower. i smell horrible.

7-6, 4-6, 6-7, 2-6

it's strange. i feel like i know him.
he's so great at what he does, and no one quite understands how much respect and admiration i have for him.
i feel like i should call him and tell him how well he did.
he maintains a positive mentality, even when he's in so much pain, and when he knows hes losing.
this sound stupid, and i apologize. but this is seriously keeping me wide awake.

the fact that there's always going to be a winner, means there will always be a loser. lame, obvious, and corny. but it's upsetting.

it was a valiant effort, rafa :]

we are what we are not.

it upsets me that i, along with many others dwelling in this spinning and orbiting sphere, allow my shortcomings to define me.

we are what we are not.

it's like, we'd all be the same if we were great at everything.
instead, our uniqueness is defined by our mediocrity, we're limited to our inadequacy, we are, in a sense, our flaws. whereas, our attributes, our greatness, they're sheer positive afterthoughts. they're great, but they're nothing new because we all have them or wish we did.

i wish we could rise above our averageness and prove to ourselves that we are capable of being compassionate, excellent, great beings.

rafa on to third round of US open, less than a week after knee surgery.

he's amazing.

i can feel the pressureeeeeee

just because i wish i could sing.

she's so kickass, it's unbelievable.

more later, perhaps.

i am so happy right now.

i won the longest tennis match of my life today. 3 hours.

and let me tell you, it's the best i've felt in weeks.

good match to the girl from hawken. 6-2, 2-6, 6-4

boy, do i love tennis.

and life in general.

my apologies to people who know me that have noticed a suicidal tone in me lately. i promise i won't kill myself. life just sucks sometimes.

but it's the little victories like this that make it all worthwhile :]

musica del momento - part V

1. carelessness; fair
this song is worth way more than 99 cents, just because of how incredible the chorus is.
2. come pick me up; ryan adams
blame elizabethtown. ryan adams is a new love of mine.
3. amazing because it is!; the almost
i could listen to it.. over and over and over.. and i have. it's the best version of "amazing" grace i have ever heard, hands down.
4. wait for you; elliott yamin
i can never get this song out of my head.
5. motivation; this holiday life
hearing how remarkable this song is... just got me ridiculously excited for the new THL album :]
6. love and seagulls; kite flying society
you can't help but be happy when you hear this.
7. gimme some motivation; delta spirit
seriously, delta spirit is my favorite discovery of the century. they can do no wrong, everything i've heard from them is genius. i love harmonicas.
8. feel it in the air; band marino
i was reading the twloha story, and when i read about the band marino concert, i decided, why not.. so i went over to their myspace and found this gem. it's superb.
9. pressure; paramore
i give kayla credit for this.. there's an incredible youtube video of this song, acoustic, outside... she showed it to me. it's probably one of the greatest things ever. i wish i could sing.
10. angeles; elliott smith
the words "elliott" and "smith" say it all. you can not go wrong with this man.

"surprise!!"

i don't know why it bothers me so much that none of my parents decided to give me a 16th birthday present... it's not like i expect it. but i dunno.. it just feels like the only reasonable explanation is that i did something wrong. you know when something bad happens and you think that maybe it's just a surprise.. that everyones gonna come running with cake and streamers and tell you they were all just kidding.. i used to try convincing myself of that, until i realized i'd just be let down. every. single. time.

ramblings inspired by renee's story.

very random line.. here you go:

"I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. 'Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars.'"

why do i find this to be one of the most beautifully written parts of the story? i honestly do not know. "...if her story had an audience". i can repeat that in my head time and time again.. there's hope in the way he writes it. he knows that her story will have an audience. perhaps he didn't know renee's story would reach an audience with as large of a magnitude as it has, or that people will know renee as one of their closest friends, even though most have never met her.... but he knows that her story will be heard.

i think there's some renee in all of us. i know there's a lot of renee in me. sometimes, when i read this story.. it feels like jamie is speaking directly to me. it feels like he's the one telling me that there's more to live for. that there is hope. he's telling me everything will be okay.

to write love on her arms.

i can't call this website a blog if i don't post the twloha story. hey brick wall, who is the only one i've found i'm speaking too... please realize that jon foreman and jamie tworkowski will be quoted nonstop as this blog (and my life) unfolds... both remarkable writers, revolutionaries, idealists. they've made me who i am and they've been sent from God to assist in rescuing me from the darkest times of my life. it's true. if you have yet to read this story, you've been living under a rock. this story shows that love is pain, and that love is strong, and that love is the movement. let it dazzle every angle and dimension of your mind, as renee's story will be with you for a very long time. please remember, rescue IS possible.


TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS.
by jamie tworkowski

Pedro the Lion is loud in the speakers, and the city waits just outside our open windows. She sits and sings, legs crossed in the passenger seat, her pretty voice hiding in the volume. Music is a safe place and Pedro is her favorite. It hits me that she won't see this skyline for several weeks, and we will be without her. I lean forward, knowing this will be written, and I ask what she'd say if her story had an audience. She smiles. "Tell them to look up. Tell them to remember the stars."

I would rather write her a song, because songs don't wait to resolve, and because songs mean so much to her. Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness. These words, like most words, will be written next to midnigh